Friday, July 31, 2009

A Clay date, a pretty great date

Now I've been on what I consider to be allot of dates with Clay, and I've cherished them deeply. But Clay has grown up, and has hit the town with some ladies apparently. So if your sick and pathetic like me and you lay in bed at 3 am thinking of what it's like for a girl to go on a date with Clay then your in luck because I am that pathetic. "Everyday from now on your only gonna get fatter and hairier, I had the fattest hairiest day of my life today"-Yabo, that one quote sums up me writing this post entirely, just a bitter fat man covered ii ass hair who's envious of a hairless hunk. Here it is, a NYC night with a Korean socialite


Knowing Clay he is probably gonna take a girl out to the worst, embarrassing hip and expensive bar that the city can puke up. This bar is ideal because a)it has vanity mirrors ideal for steeze checking your 3 haired moustache B) great way to give a girl even more incentive to take a quirky myspace photo, or wait is anybody on myspace anymore? Icelounge or myberrics photo then.

"The second she lifts her butt cheeks off my
penis I'm tweeting"



things seem to be moving a bit too quick for our bachelors taste, so he breaks out an old stand by...get "wierd". This not only lets her know your an artist but it's a perfect opportunity for her to take more photos of herself and immortalize you through an image of a series of images ten pages long of tagged photos on facebook of other guys at other bars. And besides, who doesn't love tagging.


one wild and crazy night,rebel rebel

A true man of passion and courage, Clay takes a calculated risk...conversing with the woman. Now your guess is as good as mine on what could have been discussed in the picture below, from corn conspiracies to hamburger grease paintings one thing is for sure the sound of her vagina clamping shut is echoing throughout the bar. He should be talking about shopping or oral sex, something women can relate too. I may or may not have used that line from a movie, If I didn't then I'm way funnier then my mom and friends think...just throwing it out there that I'm not sure.


If only there a was an app for this situation...


No matter the context of this next photo I can't get around the harshness. What's worse, a girl pretending to puke into her purse to the camera while your not looking or a girl actually doing it?Truly a brain buster.

ouch



I'm only assuming this guy did not help
the situation...

So, with a forty five dollar bar tab and a half a chubby nestled in his white Capri's, Clay calls it a night. No luck this time, but this was only a scrimage and the big game is coming up anytime now. All he's gotta do is increase his offense, lay off the dot com talk and his spirits up.

all this and more can be yours ladies, all this
and more.
I for one would love to go home from the bar wasted sitting on the back of that stallion.

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Holiday wishes...


As none of you know tomorrow is my birthday. I'm gonna be 22 years young and I will most likely be as bitter as I am every other day. BUT, I've compiled a list of gifts that would make me less miserable to be around tomorrow so I strongly encourage everybody to stop what they're doing and attend to my impossible to obtain desires.


1. New NYPD training film: Imagine if the problem with the police in NYC was as simple as giving them an actual training video instead of that old copy of Andrew Dice Clay's stand up that they make the new recruits watch everyday and then reenact to the general public.

Not a role model


2. Bag of Salvia: I want to get a bag of that Salvia stuff so I can sell it to the kids at the middle school across from my street, it's called profit...every heard of it? I was selling them ground up Crab apples but a few of the kids got really sick and may or may not have died : (

Artist rendition of the after math of the crab apples.



3.For Clay to stop tagging: Besides the fact that everyone of my friends has become a "tag artist" as of yesterday, I'm concerned for his well being. Oh, and it'd be nice to take a sip of my beer while on his roof without getting paint in it.





4. Destroy Peters Painter hats: Sounds like a riddle but come on, there are more hats available buddy. And lets face it, the last thing Peter painted was the town red while going on a pierogi shopping spree.

Not bad Peter, not bad at all...




5. Frog bong: Call me a perfectionist, but wouldn't it just tie together my lily pad hookah?












You think you know but you have no idea...

As some of you may know I live in the Williamsburg/Bushwick area of Brooklyn. Allot of people classify the whole are as the Hipster bubble but I don't really think that's accurate. I mean sure, there are allot of hip handsome people still here but i thought I'd give some insight on some of my favorite groups of people who live around me.


That Guy: This guy is probably the most popular amongst the Williamsburg population. Seemingly harmless from a distance but upon closer examination you can tell exactly what's on this guys mind. In his late 20's to 30's he carouses the Bedford strip in search of organic flax muffins and a soy chai latte before yoga class. Sporting the latest clothing and accessories he some how manages to throw the whole thing off by trying to slip in a little piece of his former self such as a pair of clogs, hemp anklet or some rock climbing fleece. Driving a bike with an "impeach Bush" sticker on the back he's dead set on making some changes. He's found his oasis here in Brooklyn to relive his glory days at the local bar but don't even think of smoking near this guy outside unless its a clove or American spirits or you may get an eye roll or at worst a shake of the head in disgust. He's a huge spin doctor's fan.


I Hope he eventually drowns in chocolate silk.


The LUG(lesbian until graduation): It was only a matter of time before people had to not only change their entire image and personality to fit in, but now their sexual orientation. Parading around in their vintage tattered clothes they are here, they are temporarily queer, and they are young good looking artist girls who've chosen a shorter hair style. Power marching to the record store or the more expensive organic bodega, they are holding hands with authority. A mear look in their direction with a friendly smile will be followed with a "WHAT! Never seen a Lesbian before you PIG!!!". As shocking as a new Eddy Murphy movie, these girls are more upset that nobody cares anymore except their parents. Oh, and they work at every bagel store in Brooklyn.

There's no way their just doing this for attention...right?


Too cool for school...or anything: This guy has got it all figured out. The king of Brooklyn in his mind but would never admit to it because even thinking that he's cool makes him uncool but he knows he's cool because he's doing everything to be as cool as he can in a whatever way. Residing in the heart of the hipster scene he knows everybody else is just a poser. Reading "on the road" on the train strictly to be double ironic, wearing the latest clothes as a symbol of irony, riding a fixed gear bike and laughing at others riding them because he's doing as some joke inside his head. He's obviously on another level of cool and is hoping that he can find a girl smart enough to see his intentions by looking at him, but do you think the girl is gonna look at him and think everything he's doing is strictly to be ironic and anti hip or she's just seeing a skinny kid in glasses reading a popular book on a single speed bike? Don't tell him though...

This is the kind of guy that wouldn't laugh at a
fart joke unless it was on vinyl.
Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate...
I'm a hater!
Cpt. FH

















Friday, July 3, 2009

It's been a long month, a long hard month

I've been getting allot of guff for not posting anything for a solid month now and it's starting to really get me depressed, I can barley enjoy getting intoxicated at 2pm without feeling alittle bit guilty of depriving the world, 4 followers, of my thoughts and bitterness. During the course of this month I've made several big changes in my life. One being that I got a new Job and the other being that I got my phone stolen at Enids in Brooklyn. So here is a test post of words followed by pictures that I may find on the Internet to fit my story.

Landing the job- During the grueling 5 day interview process I kept as calm as a trained surgeon, cool as a cucumber, and as chilled out as a fat college girl on her 4th bong hit. I made several visual presentations and exhibits to show how I can perform quickly under pressure, and I chose the most professional art media for my presentation...a collage of magazine cut out's of guys who looked really well dressed and handsome. As amazing as this was, they said I should have just brought my resume like they requested. Strike one...




I thought it turned out pretty tight


Key points- Allot of people make the common mistake of breaking down and admitting their faults in the interview process, but not me. I showed time logs of never being late, rave reviews from previous employers, and I did not mention that I wash my hair with apple cider vinegar to get rid of my dandruff. I did however recently run out of vinegar, thus flaking all over a box of black t shirts in the stock room and blaming it on the kid from Laos that doesn't speak English...sorry Yang Yee.




It's my only vice.


Drug testing- I did not do so hot on this portion of the interview process, what can I say, sometimes a guys gotta hit the mask 5 times a day.



My other vice




Mission accomplished- In the end I got the job and I'm doing great. I called out my first couple days due to a nasty case of pink eye and ringworm but other then that I think they really like working with and around my discus ting open sored body. They also have a vending machine there that specifically caters to mountain dew lovers, which I'm so down for now. Here are a few of the Delicious flavors they offer


Voltage and revolution were Delicious but supernova
was in a league of its own.
One Love,
Cpt. FH