Fart Humor Quarterly

You've waited 364 days, now show how 420 friendly you are and out chill them all!

2011-04-19T18:11:00.000-07:00

It's 420 eve right now and I'm feeling particularly festive for the upcoming celebration to take place. For decades this one holiday has brought together respectable people from all walks of life. Long boarders, mushroom drawing artists, alternative nerds, collectors of wizard memorabilia, and if you live in boulder Colorado then your parents will be right along side of you taking that hit for freedom. I mean, you get high everyday anyway but this is 420 man, show the whole world that the weed smokers can have a holiday that's as/if not more second hand embarrassing then the drunks with saint Patrick's day. Now grab your pipes and hookahs and gas masks, put on something comfortable and read these five tips on making your 420 the first one to remember.

1. Dress accordingly: Theres gonna be allot of stoners out there tomorrow so your gonna need to really step up your game in the dressing department to really impress your fellow dankers. Hats need be festive, whether that be rasta colored dread bags or weed leaf print visors you need to let people know where you priorities are...and where the budz at. A safe call for shirts would be going political, a hope Obama tee, the classic Che or the Buck Fush stand by. I wouldn't recommend pants, but if you have no other choice then go extremely baggy and preferably with patch work on them. My obvious choice would be the cargo short with it's relaxed fit and abundance of pockets you ll be good to stash hella paraphernalia and really show everyone the variety in your pipe department, because hey we both know one measly pipe ain't enough, jah know what I'm sayin?

2. Get enough rest the night prior: You don't wanna end up oversleeping you're holiday away and every minute waisted is a minute you could have spent high, or talking about getting or being high. I've seen too many fellow pot enthusiasts fall victim to being sleepy from the night before and can't handle the immense amount of chilling that can take place on 420. If your still tired after you wake n bake then simply just do more drugs or mix drugs. Dude, it's four twan...you won't get hurt trust me, I'm a Dr...Dr. Feel good that is.

3. Try to remember: this is the day you've been training for all year now show off what you've learned. Gather all of your epic tales of smoking and what the outcome was. Remember, it's not about the quality of the story but the quantity of your stories. Mention how high you were, who else was baked and mention who was being a buzz kill. This is also a good time to get bonus points by sharing you theories on which cartoon characters you think smoke, teachers and bosses you suspect of being stoned and also blow smoke into your dog or cats face. Now you're pet has no choice but to be as irie as you.

4. Food: Probably one of the most crucial parts of the whole day, the munchies. Make sure you've borrowed enough money off you square pops to fully support your food fix today. Go big, order allot and mix foods. Try to head to holiday friendly restaurants like 'cheeba hut' to keep it local. I would recommend the footlong white widow, a special brownie with a large cotton mouth quencher as a starter. Also, make sure to mention how high you are or the cashier is just gonna think your some normal customer...get chill and let the giggles flow.

5. Do whatever you want: The most important tip I can give you is to disregard all common sense and well fare for anybody but yourself. Drive high, operate heavy machinery high, etc. Blast the bob marley out of your back pack with speakers while long boarding through traffic, pass out in fields, openly smoke out of your lizard pipe in public, flick off cops and other old people. It's a little known fact that it's actually illegal for a cop to arrest someone on 420 if they're having a good time. Watch weed themed movies, loiter on St. Marks, start a protest about 9/11 at union square.

However you spend your day tomorrow I hope you keep it green, go hydro, don't catch an edge and keep it chill.
One love,
FHQZ

Makeing it in NYC: The kings of the food court.

2011-04-15T12:43:00.000-07:00

You know how the song goes, if you can make it here then you can make it anywhere. I have been living here for while now and I can honestly say that I have not made it here and chances are I may not make it anywhere. The same cannot be said for a couple of guys that I know who seem to have it all out here in the big apple. Rich and Canyon Duff have skyrocketed off the charts as of late and I want to take a closer look at what it might be like to live like these two celebs amongst friends that I used to know.

Let's start things off with where these two work...the 9th street espresso at the prestigious Chelsea market. I know what your thinking, what's the big deal? Don't they just pour coffee at the food court of the worlds most pretentious mall? You'd be dead wrong...the Chelsea market is full of C list celebrities, the mid wests wealthiest single mothers and even Europeans! All of the other boutiques in the mall gather around 9th street to get there java fix, from the nice people at the organic sock stand to the chefs at the lobster on a stick Boothe. And 9th street espresso's got prim real estate in the mall conveniently located across from the fountain and to the left of the bathroom. That's not all, for just a few dollars more per cup you can have a real life zany New Yorker pouring your coffee. It could be an artist, a part time lesbian or even someone with dyed hair...pretty wild stuff. Oh, and if your wondering about how the coffee is then hear it from the source: "Dis be da best coffee in the funking world"-Canyon Castator, coffee/espresso scientist, "The coffee is like...drinking wood"-Rich Duff, barista genius.

And it only gets more decadent after work lets out. Going to bars that have no name or require a password to get in, buying sweaters, talking about coffee, going to Serena's, painting yourself naked, hanging at work on your free time, eye rolling or just funking around town. The key to making it in this town is to keep things exclusive, you don't need to have all your friends around you to have a good time because you'll be making new friends in no time, and they're obscure ironic joke references are real side splitters...just make sure they don't rip the denim shirt.

Do you like what you hear? I know I do and I can't wait till I can land the job of a life time. It's hard to comprehend for most, and seems like a pipe dream to me but maybe I'm not cut out to be a NYC superstar. For now I'm just gonna keep reaching for the stars and maybe I'll be in a cool mall too, I'll just keep pedaling out snowboards for now.

Romance novels vs Urban Literature

2011-03-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

For anyone who has ever grazed through one, then you know how ridiculous romance novels are. The cover is almost always a Fabio-esque character either on horse back or part horse, centaur if you will, sweeping some woman off her feet in a meadow or a shoe store and then 200 pages of soft core pornography. I used to think that these books were the most embarrassing things on the market, that is before I discovered Urban literature. Urban literature are romance novels for black people and filled with all kinds of wildly offensive stereotypes about both black and white culture. Here are a few book synopsis' I've come up with for both.

Romance novel: "Only at night"

Katherine is a stay at home mom. Her husband John is a successful adviser on wall st and is on the road most of the time. The one joy she found was through reading her favorite books, hopelessly romantic tales of women just like her getting swept away from their mundane lives and taken on an erotic adventure. She didn't think anything of the books, just harmless fun right? That is until she herself was taken into a world she'd only read about. Join Katherine as she's swept away from suburbia by a tall olive knight named Armando who's time traveled to capture Katherine for the purpose of making love on every battle field he and his army of hunks enter. But there seems to be trouble in paradise as she quickly finds out she is the apple of more than one knights eye and her knight in a shining loin cloth, Armando, turns out to be the jealous type. Who will win Katherine's heart, and what will happen when her husband John enters the mix...

Urban literature: "Good girlz do bad thangz"

Chantel and her husband had it all. She was the best prosecutor in the entire state of Florida. Her husband Tyrece, former NBA center and current brain surgeon couldn't be happier with the ways things were going. That is unitl the streets started calling and Chantel had to answer. Growing up things weren't always this easy, she clawed her way to the top and hustled along the way. Only now her past is about to come back in the form of Darnell, the 6'5 super model drug lord ex boyfriend who needs Chantel to accompany him as he embarks on his biggest drug deal yet...the white house. Thangz get tricky when feelings spark again with her old flame, only Tyrece aint going down like no sucker. Right before the white house deal goes down Darnell get's into a car accident and is brought to the ER only to have Tyrece left with the choice to save his life or smoke him.

I can't decide which one I would rather buy, both sound like books I can't wait to read on the train in front of other people.

Draft 1:The crying girl and the Blue man group tickets

2011-02-21T13:14:00.000-08:00

I went through my posts recently and stumbled across stories that were never posted for one reason or another, some are really angry or hurtful ones that I knew I couldn't post and others were just not sounding right. Here's one of them, I remember I just couldn't write it as funny as it actually was.

The other day I was walking downtown and remembered a story that I had completely forgot about until I saw the sign with the Blue faces staring me down. This takes place a few months back so my memory is a little hazy, insert weed joke, or shall I say "purple hazy". Here is the tale of the blue men and the blue girl.

I had just about made my rounds of picking up hangers and sorting them into a giant trash can on wheels when I got to the last floor of the building and ran into Emily, a visual designer from London, whom I was obligated to say hello to every time I saw her because I said it one time months prior. I asked how she was doing, she never asked me because my response was not the one people want to hear when they ask that because mine was never good, and this time she was not doing so well either. She explained how it was her and her husbands anniversary coming up and she had got them two tickets to see the Blue man group live. This of course sounded like a nightmare and I tried to leave but she made it too awkward for me to walk away. She explained that they loved watching Arrested development and as a surprise to her husband she picked up the Blue man group tickets and planned to get extremely high and go to the show. Unfortunately, her husband was stranded in London or something and there was the dilemma. She started crying and I had to idea how to comfort her so I didn't. With tears streaming down fer face and snot running into her mouth she offered me the tickets and I took them.
I thought the whole thing was really funny and I thought that it was great that she pictured me as the main demographic that the blue men catered to. I wasn't and neither was my girlfriend, this became really obvious as me made our way to the theatre the night of the show and stood in line with a hundred German tourists shouting about "zet blue man goop". The tickets were in the front row and we got rain coats to put on. The show commenced and I slouched down in my chair the same way I did throughout school, praying that I wouldn't get picked on stage to chuck marsh mellows down this blue mans throat. They played pvc pipe drums that sprayed paint all over the place, did mime style stand up, had weird movie clips that explained they're from another planet...the girl at my work was right, I should have gotten high. I may have not gotten high but I ate like I was.

The show ended and I exited the theater feeling weird. The tickets were a hundred dollars each and I had an ok time. The girl came up to me for days after asking me how it was in detail and she was not impressed with my review and she got angry and cried. She was kind of always crying and then she moved back home shortly after. Now that I think back It was actually pretty fun.

Top 5 things that are pretty cool but have the worst following...

2011-01-30T19:26:00.000-08:00

Sometimes life can be cruel. Every so often you can stumble onto something that is funny or entertaining or kewl but the people who are obsessed with it make it crusty or embarrassing. Here are five things that I've noticed that are ruined by the people who support or engage in it.

1. Mitch Hedberg: I can't deny that I do find Mitch Hedberg's stand up funny when I can get myself to listen to it. You know what's not funny? The chubby guy with bad posture sporting a visor beanie constantly quoting bits of his stand up out of context. I happen to work with a guy like this, and when he's not bragging about the blunt he rolled before work, he's repeating some joke that doesn't tie into any part of reality. "Hey ______, can you go meet the FedEx guy downstairs"? "You can't please everybody and last night they were all in my audience...Mitch Hedberg, man". What does that mean? The way I see it is the least Mitch Hedberg could have done before he died was take all of his die hard fans with him.

2. Sex: I used to love sex up until last night. After drunkenly coming home to watch Seinfeld my roommate came home with a girl and I was awoken to the sounds of my awkward friends orgasm moaning through the plaid sheet that we call a door. Horrified, I opted to sleep on the cum stained futon in the living room. I literally laid awake with the blanket over my head like you do when you're five and you think there's a monster in the house...or like you do when you're 25 and Peter Goldberg. I guess it's no more awkward then pretending that we don't hear each other JOing all the time... my life sucks.

3. Skateboarding: No other activity could attract so many degenerates on earth like skateboarding. Whether you're stopped on the train, street, bodega they will feel comfortable enough to approach you and "rap" about how they used to/currently "shortboard" and how it opened their eyes to alien abductions and eastern medicine. If it weren't for my love of both, and ying yangs, I don't know how I could put up with it.

4. Dollar slice: If you live in NYC and you've been to St. Marks then you know about the infamous dollar slice. "Two brothers pizza"to be more specific is an oasis to all jugalos, teen age punks on dates, train hoppers, scratch ticket enthusiasts and heroin addicts alike. It's also visited by people like me, thrifty assholes who will accept a lesser quality product for a cheaper price. How can I sit there and enjoy shoveling that wet diaper of a slice into my gullet when two 14 year olds with pantyhose arm stockings and dinner plates in their ears are finger fucking in the corner, chin beard Mcgee with the "voices in my head tell me what to do" t shirt is shotgunning his third mountain dew and the seven year old kid finally makes his round to me trying to bum a cigarette?

5. Weed: I have nothing against the idea of getting high at all, in fact sometimes it can be kind of fun. My problem is with the culture around it and the endless paraphernalia that follows it. Say what you will about harder street drugs but none of them are on t-shirts, belt buckles, flags, guitars, tire flaps next to the truck nuts and the sticker of Calvin pissing on George Bushes face and giving you the middle finger. More then 90% of the time I can tell that someone is really into getting high without the novelty "McCronalds" shirt on. I know the day when people can just get high discreetly is very unlikely so until then whoever has the rights to the picture of a pot leaf and has 4:20 trademarked is gonna continue to make millions to fund their chill lifestyle.

Zayn, Zayn, Zayn...

2010-12-02T19:09:00.000-08:00

Zayn, you have some explaining to do...

2010-12-02T18:57:00.000-08:00

I just logged into my facebook page and received this message, enjoy...

Looks like ol' Zayn got himself into another pickle...

El vortex retirement...

2010-11-29T21:19:00.000-08:00

If you are an avid visitor of the slap magazine website, being your thirteen and your parental controls block out thrasher for the hubba ad's or your Neil Thurman, you have already heard the news that El Vortex has announced his retirement from skateboarding. If you don't skateboard, your not gonna understand a single thing in this post so you might as well just skim through this and pretend it was a mock review of Jack Black's "Nacho Libre". Though the decision made me sad, I have come up with a top 5 reasons for both El vortex to come out of retirement and to remain in retirement.

Top 5 reasons El Vortex should come out of retirement:

1. There is nothing better to do in Longmont.
2. Meta Sam is still trying to push 3 cases of El Vortex's spitfire wheels to people with enough common sense to avoid buying wheels that have been yellowed for years. D5 is rumored to have offered a deli zone sand which for a case and a shout out in the next video.
3. Troubled teens are still smoking cigarettes at the skate park, only now they do not have a over thirty Lucha making fun of them in poems in which they can't understand.
4. A high school girl at the skate park saw the El Vortex article on Slap and Neil is claiming to be his secret identity, even though no photos of the real El Vortex show him sporting matching quarter sized flaming suns and ying yang tattoos on his upper arms.
5. Though it's not the most serious notoriety, Colorado should really be known for something better then "home of the skate ninja".

Top 5 reasons that El Vortex should remain retired:

1. Coach is in better shape then him.
2. 70% of his following are now of legal age to purchase alcohol and no longer need to sit through a penny lane open mic night to get a hold of a few Sparks malt beverages.
3. Even Kris with a K voted against him in his last Slap one in a million entry.
4. With no reason to go filming, he can avoid the obligation of inviting creepy Jake along and the awkward free lunch.
5. We can finally find out who he is and end the mystery once and for all. I'm about 90% positive it's either Raul Pinto or Jarred Stoots.

Whatever his decision is in the end I have to say that it's been one of the most entertaining parts of skateboarding in the last ten years. In a sea of Baker Deathwish weed hype videos, which is the ICP of skateboarding, or another talented well behaved robot wonder kid, it was refreshing to see someone have the courage to hide behind a mask and tackle pros visiting town or fart into a camera. RIP El Vortex.

Robin Williams: Great actor, ok father...

2010-11-29T12:48:00.001-08:00

I've taken a longer break from writing then usual as of late and have been working on a lot of exciting projects and one of those being the article you're about to read. I had the pleasure of spending some time with the actor, nay, the man known to the masses as sir Robin Williams. A talented actor, a devoted husband and father, I had often found myself restless at night wondering what the man has been up to lately. So, after pulling a few strings I got to sit down with Robin and his family to to ask a few questions and observe a week in the life of the Williams clan.

I arrived at the Williams compound greeted with a "BOO" as Robin jumped out at me behind a fern and started laughing. "Haha you scared me Robin, I'm Seth Powers I'm going to be interviewing you and the family for a little bit" i said nervously. A blank stare fell upon his face and he replied "you really have nothing to be afraid of Steve" as he lead me into through the front door into the living room. "As you can see I've done pretty well for myself" he said as he pointed to a piece of Flub hanging on the wall from his movie "flubber". I had to admit, it was pretty humbling standing next to an actual piece of goo from the movie. "Wow, is that real goo from your movie"? I asked. It's flubber not goo and flubber like all other forms of magic and happiness are make believe and are not real, a real actor would know that" he replied with a smirk. I was embarrassed and quickly changed the subject. "Hey is that your son, handsome young man" "blah blah boogaly woogly sweet baba lama" Robin replied. Robin jr. looked on angrily. "Some times you want to have a talk with your dad and not the genie from Aladdin" he yelled, then he flipped over his Jumanji game board and ran to his room.

I thought this would be a good time to spend some time with misses Robin Williams, but she was out sun bathing with the pool boy the whole week as he serenaded her shirtless with his saxophone. "Oh Robin, yeah he's a real Casanova...who wouldn't want to have sexual intercourse with the man child from Jack"? "And boy was that role a stretch" she said. I was starting to feel awkward at this point, I mean come on! Why don't these people respect this man like I do? He's funny, charming, witty and...suddenly it hit me that I don't really even like Robin Williams at all. I really liked Ray from everybody loves Raymond, how on earth did I mix these two up? I was pretty drunk I guess but geeze, I felt bad for Robert or Rob or whatever his name was and I wanted to find him to apologize so I went back to the house and Robin had locked himself in his room. "Rob come out, I'm sorry I confused you with Ray Romano from everybody loves Raymond" I said. "Rob come out, I'm sorry I con..." It's a yak back he yelled, surprised you didn't know that. He invited me in the room where we talked and laughed and he even farted in a can and tried to get me to smell it just like in "Jack", a tempting offer but I passed.

So anyway, I've been pretty busy lately.

Stories that have made the rounds, but never made it to writing...

2010-10-07T16:23:00.000-07:00

In an average week for me I would say something unbelievable, horrible, funny, disturbing happens about 3 times. I have allot of stories that I've accumulated over the twenty three years I've lived on this earth but I also have the pleasure of being surrounded by people who have almost as bad luck as me and are usually out of their minds. This is a story that happened in 2006, there were six of us in a four bedroom house infested with mice and in a rough part of town. All kinds of stuff happened at this house, but this is the story I feel should be told first. The story involves two of my friends, one of which is Mike Katz, and the other is a gremlin that I love dearly, Yabo. So, here is the story of Mufasa the 365 Ib black man.

A typical night, meaning every night, was capped off with drinking loads of cheap beer in our living room and blaring music from Yabo's laptop. During these living room sessions a man wandered onto the porch and introduced himself as "Mufasa" and began explaining that he in fact used to live in our house. Words were exchanged and long story short Yabo did not feel comfortable letting this guy come into our house. We had heard the story and thought it was funny and weird but was quickly forgotten. In a house where Prostitutes are fighting your friends and then out of nowhere giving strangers blow jobs in your front yard, selling drug addicts fake crack and having them come back throwing bricks only to hit the one Innocent bystander in the chest, stoner girl friends fighting stoner girl friends, and two weapon crazy best friends in the addict making mid evil weapons and bombs...well, things don't seem weird when on Colfax ave.

A few weeks had gone by and Yabo had returned from school to an empty and dimly lit house with the door open. He turned the lights on and headed upstairs to hear the shower running and figured that someone got drunk and decided to shower, leaving the house open to all due to their own negligence. So Yabo went about business as usual in his room whether that was drawing demons, eating mac n cheese, or picking his nose while farting I couldn't tell you, but what I can tell you is that it all stopped when the bathroom door opened. I tall sillhouette of a figure stood there and as the steam cleared a freshly showered Mufasa walks out of the bathroom with yabos towel around his naked body. Shocked, Yabo asks "dude, what the fuck are you doing"? Mufasa explains he used to live in this house and it's ok cause he needed a shower. "You gotta get out of here man or I'm calling the cops" Yabo says, while Mufasa assures him that it's ok because "I got you guys a pizza, it's on the counter". Upon further inspection there was in fact a fairly fresh looking large pizza on the counter, which someone would later come to eat because it "looked buttery to them". Exactly how Yabo got him out of the house after that is a mystery to me but he did and that's what mattered.

Following the visit we all heard the story and couldn't get enough of it, we even stumbled across a closet where he stored some of his goods. But none of the stuff we ever found after he left compared to when Mike Katz came home from vacation, not knowing of Mufasa nor his antics, went to his room and came out holding up a pair of size 38 soiled phat farm jean shorts and asking "Uh, who's are these"?

Took a brief hiatus from writing but now I'm back...

2010-10-05T20:11:00.000-07:00

It's been a pretty crazy month, I'm still living on Canyon's futon and providing the living room with a certain aroma only a true best friend can produce from his feet. I got a new job, I work for a chill snowboard company and half the clothing has stash pockets for...shhhhhh, ya know, buDZ. Things were really looking somewhat up until I got robbed three blocks from my house by a child with a knife. I've been pretty paranoid latley and my pride, or what's left of my pride, is bruised. Not to mention I have a whole new fear of black people in general, but mainly black children. After all this trama I've been through I figure the least I can do is give my advice and insight on what to do if ever in this situation from the eyes of a twenty something white guy who's super good with advice.

First things first, panic: As soon as I noticed this young man trailing me and following every move I made after picking up a good amount of money, I made sure to make every suspicion I had of this very vocal and aloud. "fuck, I can't believe this kid is following me and I have all this cash and various ipods" I said, then quickly realizing I made a mistake I followed it with a smooth "I wouldn't go messing with me though, espicially since I got diagnosed with being insanely crazy". This let's all young thugs know that yes you do have tons of money but you are also inanely crazy, which means you are capable of doing all types of crazy stuff including wandering around Malcom X ave really high with lots of cash on you.

Step two, run away: I wandered into the street where the young man quickly followed me, I knew at this point that something was wrong cause even though I was a little high I could clearly see him making gestures of slitting my throat towards me. "Yo, what time is it" he asked hopeing that I would pull out my phone, but I came right back with "I don't got the time, especially for this". I'm not sure what I meant by it exactly but when I said it I gave him a look like there was nothing in the world he could say to top that line, while he just looked at me with a "I'ma steal dat phone" stare. The light turned green and I started skating and I looked back and he was chasing me, I skated faster and he ran faster so the chase was one...sort of.

Get caught by thug tween: As fast as I thought I was skating, the kid caught up to me relitively quick. He was yelling "gimme dat phone, gimme dat phone" and the closer he got he began swinging at my head and head realated areas. I stopped short and grabed my board knowing that the joke was on him cause now I had a weapon ...but as soon as I picked the board up he kicked it away."Oh fucking...oh boy", my mind was blank as I stared the cock eyed angry young man face to face. He asked for the phone again and I said "uhhhh, no you....this is like my phone man". The second time he asked he pulled out a knife fromthe pocket of his khakis and put it towards me.

Give your phone to the kid: At this point we're in the middle of the road across from an elementary school where children are laughing and playing, older kids are playing dice and no gooding stop and watch as I'm being threatened at knife point. He has no interest in my wallet, my ipod nor anything but my phone so I pulled out my $40.00 cracked screen phone and he took off. I was left standing in the road sorounded by people who witnessed a grown man being robbed my a child. I skated away from Malcom X ave not knowing where to go or what to do.

I later got to the house, feeling a little high off of both being robbed and smoking before the robbery. I quickly wrote a description of the kid down on a piece of paper and it read "Black youth, 13-16 yrs old, light skinned, crooked eye, white shirt and khakis with short hair". I read over the description later and decided that the chances of finding just one young guy with khakis and a white shirt sporting a crooked eye in my neighborhood was insane, since on my block alone there's a 60/40 crooked eye ratio, so I threw the paper away. I lost my phone, I felt defeated, but somewhere in Bedstuy right now there is a young cock eyed boy looking through cell phone picks on said phone and stubbling on a rather large collection featuring my penis peeing in different spots around NYC and all my troubles float away.

Anyway, my advice is to not get robbed. It's the worst, I would much rather eat snacks or drink beer, maybe drink a few snacks like that drinkable yogurt they have now. Just promise me you won't get robbed by a crooked eyed ruffian in the projects.

"I'm gonna show up"

2010-08-30T21:10:00.000-07:00

In what has become sort of trade mark of mine, I quit my job the other day with nothing lined up after it. No prospects, no leads, no friends to recommend me for another job...no friends at all really. When I put in my two weeks notice and walked out of the stock room I felt so empowered until I opened the door and walked out of the store, opened my wallet only to see 15 Colorado IDs I had collected from friends, an expired metro card and a coupon for a restaurant that I'm pretty sure went out of business more then 4 years ago and I realized...I am completely fucked. Later that week I began working through my last two weeks with a new perspective on work that I had never realized, the less you do the better you look.

I came in about thirty minutes late every day, and when I did finally get to work I procrastinated as long as possible. I made small talk with my supervisor, I drew allover the walls of the stock room and I hunted flies downstairs in my socks. In a forty hour work week I think I worked about 2 1/2 hours tops. Every person I worked with was not only impressed by my change of attitude, but insisted I revoke my two weeks notice and stay with the team. These people hated me three days ago, but when I got a "joose" malted beverage at Duane reed across the street and fell asleep under the jackets section of the stock room they all thought it was hilarious and couldn't imagine working without my new "antics". Even my manager took notice of me and asked if I would stay longer, not because I'm a hard worker but she said "you're pretty funny, the first month I didn't even think you knew how to speak English cause you didn't talk and I thought you were gonna shoot the store up".

People at my work got wind of me leaving and came up to me to ask about it. As time went by and my two weeks were winding down, I realized that these two weeks were the best I'd had here in the year I worked there. One of my bosses even asked me to stay a little longer cause she knew I had no back up job, and I accepted. My main boss walked in shortly after and asked when my last day was and asked if I liked cake, this may be a little confusing to some but at my work we have about 6 managers looking over us at all times because were all completely retarded, and I replied "it was gonna be tomorrow but now I'm not sure". Time went on and on what was supposed to be my last day, I called out.

The next day, I came into work thinking nothing of it. I did my usual routine of zoning out for a few hours and avoiding real work until I saw a manager looking at me like I was a ghost. Then I realized, everyone was looking at me like a ghost. People were looking at me and whispering "is that POWERS"? I was confused...until someone told me about the party they had for me the day before. The main boss of my department had bought me an ice cream fudgy the whale cake the day I didn't show up with personalized icing reading "goodbye and good luck Seth, we will all miss you"!!! Luckily, the boss wasn't there the whole day and I was stuck wondering if I still work here or am I just here and not welcome? I work tomorrow at 7am and I decided I'm just gonna show up and see what happens, I mean hopefully this guy doesn't take me quitting and not showing up to my own farewell party and then showing up to work after my last day seriously, right?

An old fashioned flashing...

2010-08-30T20:38:00.000-07:00

First things first, I am truly sorry for the lack of stories lately. I've been sleeping on my twenty year old friends futon for the past month and the only time I have to use his laptop is when he goes to the orthodontist to get his braces tighten. Tonight at dinner, this twenty year old told me that his dad said that if said twenty year old ever had a son that I would be sleeping on his couch...jokes on him though cause I'm not even sleeping on a couch so...you know, man. Any who, here's a little insight on what's been going on with me lately.

A few weeks back, on the way to my 6am shift at the stock room I work at on Broadway, I was casually walking down Crosby st. reading the newspaper minding my own business. I say "casually" because I was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and I say "minding my own business" because most people I know are not willing to socialize with me. The streets are completely empty, it's just me and my am new york newspaper. Halfway in reading the "top 5 reasons why we suspect John Mayer may be quiting twitter" I see a jogger approaching me looking me dead in the eye. I thought it was strange at first because he was staring at me pretty hard and I thought "maybe he knows I rubbed deodorant allover this shirt cause I left it under my moldy towel", but then I realized why he was starring at me with that look. As we passed I made eye contact with this man, and as our eyes met he started veering his eyes downward as if he had something he wanted to show me. So, I moved the paper out of my way and low and behold I see a penis in the mans hand and he's shaking it at me. He gives me a little grin and shakes it harder, and stares at me with a little more aggression.

My mind went completely blank, and I just started laughing and I said "what are you doing"? "Are you serious right now"? The man gave a little chuckle and continued the penis shaking...he was really shaking this thing, but with aggression. I don't really know how to describe it but imagine that you were robbing someone with a banana, and for some reason to get your point across you shaked the shit out of it in the persons direction to let them know you were serious, except instead of a banana you were holding your penis. At this point I was just laughing, the man got angry, put his penis away and ran off. I continued to walk to work and kind of forgot about it.

Later that day, I tried to remember if I actually had a man shaking his penis at me or if I somehow dreamed the whole thing. I had to tell somebody about it, so I told this guy I worked with and he didn't really seem to find it as funny as I did. It's pretty crazy how "real" shit gets when a penis is involved, but everyone treated me like I was some kind of victim. "Are you ok"? "Did the penis touch you"? "Was he cumming or something, why was he shaking this darn thing"? After I talked about it, I realized that maybe this wasn't as funny as I thought it was to other people, I mean sure if the penis was wearing a top hat and a monocle and did a evil dance of sorts maybe, but nobody was getting the genius of the penis shake. Also, this man chose me out of everyone else in New York to shake his penis at, like he saw my face and said "Ohhhhh, you're gonna get some penis pal..."

Any who, a jogger walking around in a city filled with millions of people chose me to shake his penis at, so it's kind of ego booster...jealous much?

Recipes for today's spender...

2010-07-21T19:11:00.000-07:00

I don't really consider myself much of anything but one thing I can say is that I can make some pretty Delicious meals in the toughest of times. Just because you're broke doesn't mean you can't enjoy the foods you've grown to know and love. I got the recipes to help you get fatter while keeping your wallet fat as well...nice. Here are a few recipes I've been cooking up in my kitchen lately that I know your gonna love. If you don't love these then you're probably a retard or a girl.

Seth's famous pb&j ish: I was too broke to get bread, peanut butter or jelly when I came up with this little number. First, make sure you have all of these ingredients before preparing this meal: 1 red otter pop, preferably frozen, 1 hand full of shelled peanuts and 2 parts saltine crackers. Shove the hand full of nuts into your mouth and take a shot of the otter pop. Mash it around your mouth for a bit and then throw in a saltine brand cracker. Concentrate on mixing all this stuff in the mouth so you really get all the flavors, when you can no longer bare it you can go ahead and swallow the medley. It takes a little bit for your stomach to tell your brain that it hates this, so eat it fast ok.

2. Beef steak with broth: This is a great gourmet meal at a thrift store price. You will need 1 pack of beef ramen. Bring water to a boil before putting ramen in. Once cooked, drain the water and mash up the noodles into a ball with your hands. Sprinkle the ball with the beef seasoning packet and then fry the mashed up noodle ball over the stove. The only complaint about this one is the overall taste and the texture of the whole thing is really unappetizing.

3. Bread sandwich: An excellent alternative to the "something" sandwich, all you need for this one is 3 slices of wonder break. Put two of the pieces in a toaster until golden brown. Now, put the third slice in between the two toasted slices and enjoy your bread sandwich. I like to pretend that it's meat and cheese in there, that'd be good.

4. Go to Snice: It's not really a recipe, more of a suggestion on where to go to get free food if your me. It's vegan and my ex girlfriend works there but other then that I have no complaints. I recommend the "whatever Serena gives me for free after hovering around the counter". That shit is usually pretty alright I guess.

5. The end: I couldn't come up with any more recipes, so I decided to end the post on number five instead of just thinking of another stupid recipe and then writing an ending mainly because I'm lazy and I feel sick from eating at Palace fried chicken with Franny...damn, Palace is pretty much the tits. I tried to get Franny to order the "Italian burger" but he wussed out. I'm not really sure what makes the burger Italian because the only difference between that one and the normal one is that its on a hero roll and it has french fries on it, but I'm Italian and I love this thing...so stereotypical.

Trick tip: lurking at the local skateshop

2010-07-21T18:28:00.000-07:00

Over the past couple years I've seen a few tricks I've had go away, learned a few new ones and all the while maintained the same great attitude that everybody I know loves...or doesn't like at all. It's never a good feeling when you've been doing something for so long and you start to feel like you're regressing, getting old, feeling fat and your feet hurt. Lately, I've regressed back to my skate shop lurking past and I'm loving it. Over on N.11th and some street lies a little skate shop named "kcdc" and as it turns out I've started feeling pretty comfortable there. But there is an art to lurking and if you don't do it right you could totally be killing a chilled out buzz, and that shit is weak. So, here are a few tips on lurking, and if you keep at it, advanced lurking.

1. The entrance: Judging by the "hello" you get from one of the disgruntled employees you will know exactly how much lurking time you're in for that day. "Hey Seth, what's going on man"? That is a nice and friendly welcoming, you usually get these when you haven't been in the shop for like a solid week. "Seth, back again huh...what do you need"? This is the welcoming you will usually receive, and luckily for me I prefer that one because the angrier the employee gets, the more time I have to complain with somebody, even if their complaints are about me.

2. Browse the merchandise: I usually start off with the boards, this is a good one because you know they aren't gonna have the shape you want in stock because they never do, but you do get to make small talk like "man, still no ______'s in yet huh". Next make your way over to the shoes and ask about a couple models that they have but not in you're size. It's cool because last month you bought a pair of nike's there and they were pretty expensive so you got about a solid two months of shoe section lurking before your next actually purchase. The shoe guy has probably ran to the back to avoid you at this point so now slowly start looking at some clothes. I like to pick out a stupid shirt or some silly board shorts and go "imagine me in these, that'd be a riot right"?

3. Start trying flat ground tricks in the shop: This one is great because you literally just left somewhere you were actually skating to come to the skate shop where it's 119 degrees to skate a five foot cemented area really loudly. Some of the employees are bummed because they're hung over, but every time they look over with an annoyed look just say you were landing whatever trick earlier but now you "don't know what's wrong with you today, I can't believe this". At this point you've worked up a real sweat which leads into the next tip...

4. Making hints on getting free weird drinks: "Damn I'm thirsty, I really need a vita coco or a red bull or something"? Offer to make a run to the store so they at least think you're being slightly sincere but know they have stacks of energy juice back there for days, and guess what? Their luke warm and ready to make your stomach into a bubbling witches cauldron. I mean what else are you supposed to drink, water? Yeah, ok...

5. Take a load off: This is the peak of your lurking mission, similar to the highest high a junkie gets while shooting up. Make you're way over to the bench right after you chug a few piping hot red bulls and kick out however many idiot kids buying shit and lay down on the bench in the middle of the store, ahhhhhh. Your so comfortable at this point that I'm pretty sure it's against NYC laws to kick you out. If you feel so inclined go ahead and take those shoes off for a little bit and subject everybody to your foot odor. Oh yeah, that's what I'm screamin...

6. Make your exit: At this point, all the employees are in the back or out front smoking. You only noticed because you'd been talking while laying down for about twenty minutes and finally asked them for something and got no response. Take a look around you and make sure to leave all garbage and weird shit you were carrying with you at the shop so that if nothing else you have an excuse to come back later. Take a final browse around the store and say "Yeah I might come back and buy so and so tomorrow...". Now from here I would recommend going to the park and lurking over there until you find someone you slightly know from meeting once or twice and barging in on their conversation/picnic, but hey that's just what an advanced lurker would do.

I hope I answered a few questions for all you novice lurkers out there, and maybe for a few of you old pros. Now just sit back, relax, and wonder why they haven't asked you to work or skate for the shop yet. Some people just don't know talent from a hole in the ground I guess.

I'm always almost getting fired...

2010-06-22T09:25:00.000-07:00

Every day I come into work I have been fearing that it's my last. My bosses are fed up with me, my co workers say I suck and the new kids are already cool guying me. I can't eat in the team lunch area because I'm scared that if I doze off on the couch that somebody will smother me with one of those pillows that smells like fried body odor. When using the bathroom, somebody will come in and see I'm occupying the stall and rather then letting it slide and waiting their turn they open the door and scream "Seth's taking a huge shit in here and it smells pretty bad", really embarrassing me in front of the four fat girls outside the bathroom. The other day I had a long meeting at work with my bosses and I hated it, but maybe there is something to what they're saying, just maybe...

I'm too negative: I have been hearing this for awhile now, not only from my bosses and coworkers but from my family and friends which leads me to believe...that it's not true. I mean I don't think I'm a positive guy but I don't think I'm that negative. Wouldn't it make more sense that everybody I know both professionally and personally are making this up because they're all against me? Exactly... and besides, even if it doesn't make more sense it's definitely the easier way to look at it then re evaluating my whole attitude in hopes of changing my poor perception of everyone and everything and continue being a cancer to my co workers. So chill ok, yeah I like know what I'm doing and shit...

too sarcastic: Yeaaaaahhhh okkkk, ok sure, I'm TOO sarcastic...pshhhhh pull your head out of you're ass already. There is no such thing as being "too sarcastic" and if we really want to get into the semantics about this then sarcasm doesn't even really exist, I'm not sure if that's an actually fact, but a dude out side a store on st. marks playing with devil sticks trying to bum a cigarette off me told me that so if you have a problem with his logic then you know where to find him to tell him he's full of spit. Growing up, my Sicilian mother would openly use sarcasm and other dangerous forms of speech including the word "crap" all the time...I can't believe she set me up for disaster like this, fuck.

I'm too selfless and giving: Well, not exactly in those words. Here's the story, my department in the store I work at won a contest. The prize, which is yet to be announced, is rumored to be about 3 thousand dollars to spend on whatever you want to do with you're department. So, they began taking tally of peoples ideas on what they want to do with the money whether that be going to six flags, having a boat party or drinking themselves to death...I put up as my vote that we donate the money to a charity that we could all agree on. In my meeting that I mentioned earlier, this was the one topic that they were angry about the most..."why would you put something so stupid as donate to charity for you're vote, we all worked hard on this and that's the shit you vote on"? That what my boss had to say, I don't think he's very interested in sharing our prize but in the break room there is still a box that reads "Haiti food drive" which has been there since, well the hurricane. I guess they're waiting to send that out along with the food drive from 9-11 and kill two birds with one stone.

Offensive cartoons: This one has gotten me into more trouble than my offensive mouth. I'm always getting caught for loving little doodles of my boss or co workers that they take as an attack. One time I had the head of security and the top person in HR come take me into a room and interrogate me. From the moment I walked in every manager was on a walkie talkie panicking that "I had entered the building". When I got upstairs I agreed to talk with them and asked why they didn't approach me to talk with me instead of having a sting out to get me and they said "we feared it would be too dangerous". After questioning me for awhile they finally presented me with their key piece of evidence... a piece of paper with doodles of a hamburger shooting mustard onto a hot dog, a rollerskating kitten, a cell phone holding a sword and "a manager's name written somewhere on the paper" they said. They were very concerned and so was I, because I had thrown that doodle out with my lunch and I got see that it had bbq sauce and lettuce stains on the paper. They explained that the cleaning lady saw it in the garbage and felt she needed to contact someone immediately, and to think I never ratted her out for stealing toilet paper....

Anywho, I guess the point of this post is... can someone hire me please? I need a new job

crews, gangs, and posses...

2010-06-13T18:33:00.000-07:00

Over the the period of time that I've been skateboarding all of these years I have been both blessed and cursed in running into all kinds of people that enjoy this all American past time with. Some of these people remain my best of friends to this day, others have gone too soon and some are probably doing time. Skateboarding by yourself sucks, and skateboarding with friends is awesome, but when you're skateboarding with a group of people and you give yourself a name is when things get interesting. So, here is a post on the history of crews that I've been a part of, been witness too or just saw along the way.

The L town stoners-This is the first real skateboard gang that I had ever really heard of up until this point. I had just moved across town to a rather crusty area of Colorado and had just started meeting a few people who skated in the neighborhood. The fist kid I met was named "lil Jake" . He was good at skateboarding and he was like his nicknamed stated indeed very "lil". We would skate around town and eventually met the likes of Shawn Kline, a younger kid who already had a tattoo of a cross on his arm and was always looking for a place to sleep and Zayn Hood, who up until this point I just saw on the bus and thought to myself "where did he even find orange zip off pants, and why does he think skating in heelies is a good idea". Eventually the gang formed and we, more they, were the "L town stoners" named both after all of them living in Lafayette, Co and their love of smoking weed.

TLG, The lollypop guild-Sooner or later our friend lil Jake had met the likes of Clay Kessack, an asian kid from a different town that came to the local skatepark rocking the hurtingest of nikes and drove a car, which one upped all of us L towners. They began hanging out more and more and eventually started the crew of the lollypop guild. They made stickers, worked on a video that never came out and would skate Clay's basement skatepark allot. Whenever lil Jake would go there I would hear the day after about how awesome Clay's house was, and that there were "soooooo many snacks, soooo dope". As foolish as it seems, I was jealous of this whole thing. Eventually all of my other friends got to skate the basement too, and they all said that they hated Clay's stupid dog. The dog died recently and I now live with Clay so...yeah, I guess I didn't really need to be in a basement with him.

S.W.A.B, skate with a boner- One day when wandering around the cafeteria of Boulder high school I had run into another person holding a skateboard. He was bald and had a beard, I waved and he ignored me...I thought it was weird for a couple of reasons but I figured he was a teacher there. This turned out to be John Brownlee, a kid a couple grades BELOW me who, thanks to puberty, looked like a grown ass man. I would see him at the skatepark drinking beers, hanging with all the cooler kids and smoking cigs. I tried to make small talk with him when I saw him until one day he told me "don't take this personally, but I really don't like you". Needless to say I took it personally, so you can imagine how shocking it was when I got a call on my mom's house phone from him the next day. He said that they had voted me into the crew and on the upcoming Saturday we were going to have a "crew battle" with some other skateboarders. I was confused and excited and then spray painted "swab" on all of my stuff. We drove around in a van, drank beer and it's rumored that chicks used to be super down for the crew right up until I joined...

Trickfactory- This was the crew that I fell into by accident thanks to my habit of constant hating. I was on my usual hating spree at the skatepark when I heard some hating from a new voice, this voice was Bryan Ball. Bryan was thirty something, constantly farting and skating all the time and this was appealing to me. Eventually I was hanging out with all the older skateboarders and underage drinking with over the hill heros it was always packed with arguments of who left Bryans galoshes in the rain, how Brandon would "eat the fuck out of some play dough" or Neal crashing his car in the parking lot of his apartment complex in a sparks induced stupor then teaching children at the ymca the next day. These were really fun times now that I think about it...

1086- As things started changing, we started changing. Friends were moving from Boulder to denver and my friends were making new cooler friends. Eventually I too moved to Denver and lived in the mouse infested living room of the 1086 house. There were parties every night, girl fights, mice, lice, gang wars, hate crimes and so on. The crew still exists I think and I'm about 90% sure that it's still the password to any email, debit card, or facebook account amongst my friends to this day.

Hey that was funny...

2010-05-24T18:26:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been thinking allot about what's funny and what's not funny, what 's acceptable and what's inappropriate to laugh at. Besides all that jazz, I've been remembering allot of stuff that was super funny but kind of disappeared...I've also been thinking about hot pockets allot lately cause our oven is broken and we have no microwave so I would have to cook them in this hot plate we set up cause our landlord won't come fix our oven, even though I've left like 5 messages and 2 notes for him. Oh, and I have to pack up everything in the house to get ready to be sprayed for bed bugs... oh darn.

Top 5 things that I think should be funny or have gone away too soon.

Mad about you: I've never actually seen this show but the idea of someone like myself watching this show on a regular basis is funny to me, separately these words mean nothing but once they're combined it becomes the gayest thing ever in the history of the world and if you like it you might be gay...or Peter Goldberg.

John Brownlee's myspace.com photo thread updates: These were really funny back when we were all on Myspace.com. Every time our friend John would come back from a trip or move away and then come back to visit he would post up a series of photos telling the story of the trip. I was a little jealous of the laughs he was getting and decided to give it a try but quickly realized that everyone I knew was aware that I didn't talk like the quotes from the pictures and was just copying john...maybe this is why he hated me for so long....

ex.1

Carved back in to CO, shit

was buttery

Said "what urps" to this fool, shoulda

kept it coors but shit was buttery

After we cheers'd more beers things were looking

hekka tripy, shit was buttery

...and so on and so fourth. John's were actually funny though, shit was buttery.

Death: You always see all kinds of videos of people falling and getting super hurt and these videos seem to be real gutbusters, but why don't they just take it a step further and make death funnier? Everyones all serious about it like it's some big deal, how come I can watch a fat kid fall off a moped and barley survive and think it's awesome but the second I watch a kid get bludgeoned to death I'm the bad guy all of a sudden? yeah right, sounds like horse spit to me...

Thug cabin Canyon: Remember how funny it was when Canyon was going through that weird rap faze where he talked like Paul Wall, wore tall T's and "didn't give a funk"? New Canyon is weird, he goes to art galleries, has serious conversations and when the mood strikes him wears adult clothes. Call me crazy but I would have never imagined that OG Canyon would be going to brunch....

Backwards hat, check, tall T, check, skipping

class, check, humming Ja rule song, check, OG

Canyon was taking paid time off for the "players"

holiday...

Here's "emo ass Dylan" Canyon, this was the

middle stage and death of OG Canyon...

Enter in new Canyon. Besides the

beer, sparks can, weed grinder,

yo yo's and garbage everywhere

this guy looks like he could think

he's important. Somewhere in that

Clark Kent body OG Canyon is still

gripping wood grains in the turning

lane.

Who is that dude?: Actually, it's whosethatdude.blogspot.com run by Denver's own Derek Milton. The birth of this blog was around the same time as my beloved Farthumorquarterlyzine, but were completely different. Derek's was geared more towards funny videos, stories, and the famous "things you never want to see associated with a loved one". With more and more blogs popping up each day I'd hate to see this old gem be thrown aside, but with it's lack of recent updates it may be sharing a plot in the blog grave yard next to claykessack.com.

A letter to the Shorty's company...

2010-05-16T19:47:00.001-07:00

I recently saw that the company "Shorty's" has come back from the grave and started making skateboards again, or skateboard I should say because they only have one line available. Anyway, I contacted them to see if I could become the Rep for the NYC area and if they could help make that dream come true. Keeping my fingers crossed....

Dear Shorty's inc,

I'm writing this letter in regards to the new website and more importantly the revival of Shorty's skateboards. Eighth grade through tenth I rocked nothing but shortys gear and zip off pants, carried around the Shorty's first aide kit, skated nothing but Shorty's boards because that shit had pop, which I'm sure the board did but I didn't because I was pretty fat and the slogan for mine would be "that shit has bad nose slide marks". Somewhere along the way though, my beloved Shorts kind of disappeared and I started supporting antihero up until now. When I saw that you guys are going to carry 8.5 Shortys boards I nearly fainted because I can still maintain my barney bowl trollness with the flair of a Shorty's board, pretty buttery. So, I guess I'll stop beating around the bush here and get to the point of this letter...I think you should make me the rep for Shorty's in NYC and I have brainstormed reasons on why this is a good idea.

*My job is a total bummer: I work in a clothing store on Broadway in the stockroom, its in the basement where I sort hangers or move heavy stuff around all day. All the people I work with either make fun of me for being white or for dressing like a "garbage man", which I kind of have mixed feelings about because I think garbage men dress pretty steezy. Every time I try to chill their all on my case and stuff, like what's up with that man? Also, I don't like any of the people I work with.

*I'm pretty ok at skating: I'm not gonna toot my own horn here but I'm pretty good a few tricks, I have good frontside grinds, smithers, and tailslides in a couple variations and in rep standards I would probably be considered "good". Plus, my friends are actually good. I have this Asian friend that has really good frontside tuck knee grabs that he tail smashes in, my friend Canyon Castator... he's even on youtube or something, and well the rest of my friends are pretty funny if nothing else.

*I'm writing you a letter: I'm not claiming to have done something amazing or anything but come on, I am writing you an email. It's not much, but it's probably better then whatever crap your getting from some guy who used to do blow with the Muska and is owed a favor and is given this Rep job for only that reason, right?

Any who, thanks for taking the time to read this letter and possibly consider making a man's dreams come true. I'm not sure who's getting this, "helpdesk@shortysinc.com" sounds promising that it will get to the boss though. So if your willing to entrust me with thousands of dollars worth of merchandise to shell out as I see fit to radical dudes based sourly upon me writing you a letter to make me your NYC rep for your company then I look forward to hearing back from you.

Fondly,

Seth Powers

farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com

Restaruant review: Big trouble in little china town...

2010-05-08T07:15:00.000-07:00

Greetings and welcome to an exciting series of posts dedicated to the review of local cuisine and more! Our last review brought us to the scenic corner of Broadway and canal st where I tried an exotic plate of Halal food with a side of yellow slime glove pieces. This time however, I decided to take my taste buds a little deeper into china town and get the true new york experience. So, nestled in between knock off purse vender's and knock off scarf vender's lays this New York city staple.

Burger king, 273 Canal st.

As I entered the doors of Burger King on Canal st an overwhelming smell of human waste entered my nostrils. This was not the smell I was expecting from such a respected restaurant but the longer I breathed in this waste, the hungrier I became. As I pushed my way through the gaggle of a thousand German tourists waiting to use the one burger king bathroom that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy, I finally got to the counter. The menu was extensive, and I was impressed. Burgers, cheese burgers, two burgers, bacon two burger with cheese instead of buns, Oreo sour patch kids kit kat frozen pies...this was gonna be a hard choice. In the end though, I had to stick with the "value menu" options. For those of you who are not familiar with the "value menu" this will include items that are either too frowned upon by society to be on the big menu or items that just sound like a bad idea, "chicken nugget sandwich" or "BK mozzarella fingers". Either way your gonna end up with more mediocre food slightly less then if you just ordered a combo meal.
The woman at the counter looked at me, almost through me, and said something that was not in English nor any other language I've ever heard. She had black growths on her face, which is popular among the Asian elderly when they reach 1,000 years old and become part dragon. "Oh, I'll have two of the whopper jr sandwiches with no mayonnaise, and a value fries and drink" I said with excitement. "Bongdue" she replied, I was puzzled. "bongdue, bongdue" she asked again, so I decided to shrug which is the universal sign of "I have no idea what you're fucking saying" and she quickly solicited the help of a fellow employee who somehow spoke less English then herself. Now, I had two people saying "bongdue" at me so I just agreed to get my order "bongdue" and waited for my food.
They called my number and I took my tray to sit at the table where I can peacefully eat and be solicited to buy weed and fake watches throughout the entire meal. Two bites into my first sandwich and it became apparent that not only did it have mayo on it, but it had extra mayo and was a chicken sandwich. I now Know that "Bongdue" means to fuck up your entire order.
The chicken was not bad though, and it turns out they got my second sandwich correct. This tasted like a mixture of every gas station junk food on a bun covered in acid and after I finished it I was starting to feel like I was really high or about to die. After i finished the meal I knew I had to find the nearest restroom as fast as humanly possible. The German tourists were crowding Burger Kings bathroom so I ran to Starbucks where I could become violently ill in peace.
Besides getting sick, I give this restaurant 4 stars: one star for the food, one for the "bongdue" option on the menu, one for the weed you can buy while you eat, and one star for the fact that I went back to the same Burger King for dinner that night after dieing in the Starbucks bathroom.

high school enemies revisited part one...

2010-05-02T20:14:00.000-07:00

During the four years I spent within the cell like walls, man that sounds so angsty, of Boulder high school I made three friends and about 400 foes. Though I hated all of these people relatively equally there are a select few that rised so far above the rest that to this day I can easily say I still hate them. This particular piece of shit was my Nemesis, he truly was my enemy and if I had the chance I probably would have done something terrible to him, or awesome depending on how you look at it. So, come take a journey down the memory lane of hatred as we reminisce on Travis Moe.

Meet Travis Moe: Within the first four minutes of meeting Travis I knew we were not going to get along. He was the first kid to grow dreadlocks in our class, he wore sandals and listened to strictly "trip hop" or "conscious rap". His rich family lived in a mansion across town but as the days passed he would dress dirtier and dirtier and the only article of clothing he would change was his hackysack or his smock that he acquired from his trip to the Himalayas on his family's non conventional Christmas vacation because he's that worldly. He always got good grades and wrote at least five papers on why marijuana should be legalized, some how this was more legitimized than the other papers written by less environmentally heroic pot heads because all the teachers at school identified with his wealthy hippy ready to protest image. Yeah, I hate this dude.

During his high school career he hosted or led many protests and devoted his young life to making sure that President Bush be impeached or Marijuana be legalized or rap music that's about more then diamonds, guns and hoes be taken more seriously. His favorite protest was in the form of the "sit in". The "sit in" is the laziest form of protest on earth, and your telling people I'm literally gonna sit here and chill until something happens. In one particular sit in he caught the attention of the local media by refusing to leave the school library until George Bush resigned from office. The library sit in was a huge success to some of my friends who had claimed that they got high in the computer lab and may or may not have gotten a hand job from this slutty rich girl who's grandpa owns a big hardware store run in boulder and shall remain nameless. News reporters were covering the story and interviewing students all say on this Gandhi like figure we had in our library known as Travis Moe. I later got in a considerable amount of trouble when I was interviewed on the news and said that I was hosting my own sit in until someone killed Travis Moe.

I haven't seen this guy in a couple years now and the last I heard he was travelling around Europe or Asia or something in search of a new problem he can sit in on. As for me, I'm just gonna keep chilling and waiting for my sit in protest to shape up about the whole killing thing...and that domino's take me off their email list. I'm probably gonna order a pizza right now while I do this whole sit in thing so I guess I'll give them my email address one more time...just once though.

if I was a thousand years old...

2010-04-01T20:27:00.000-07:00

Every so often, meaning everyday, someone tells me that I have a bad attitude. I used to counteract this ridiculous claim by complaining and making fun of said asshole but as of late I have come to terms with this. I have been on this earth for 22 long years now, and about 18 of them have been filled with my love of hating on everything and anything I can. Though Mccaren park, teenage lesbians, Clay, Peter, Cops on horse back, myself have given me tons of hating material as of late, I can't help but selfishly think of what it might have been like to hate throughout history. I have always had a bone to pick with some of these people, so lets give it a shot shall we?

Joan of arc: This chick is the Ellissa Steamer of history, skateboarding reference, and I am not a fan as you may have guessed. She led the french to a couple key victories in the hundred year war but what she forgot to do was show her boobs in Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. I'm second guessing my reference to Ellissa Steamer because I never want to see her boobs. One chick did something rad in the battlefield over the course of the worlds existence, thousands of dudes did too....any who, Joan of Arc was probably a lesbian.

Abe Lincoln: This dude was on the penny, and apparently loved black people which is ironic because I work with a ton of black dudes and survive souly on pennies I find on the floor of my room to buy doughnut sticks and tall cans from the bodega I live above. In second grade, I had to play honest Abe in a Play that my school put on. I refused to play the part because he was shot at a play and I thought that reenacting him being shot at a play in a play was weird...plus, I hated the hat and the beard was really itchy. Long story short, they gave the part to this Asian kid and I had to go down on all fours and pretend to be a table in the play instead. Since then, I've had beef with Abe.

Paul Revere: This guy is revered, no pun intended, as a hero but I just think he's a snitch. On the faithful night of his midnight ride, he rode through the Boston streets shouting "the British are coming, the British are coming". This always rubbed me the wrong way, I mean I like being free and stuff but I'm totally not into people ratting. He should have kept that shit on the low and passed a couple notes, threw up a tag with a subliminal message or something cool like that. Plus, he was in cahoots with Samuel Adams who is now responsible for the beer that fuels people that I am less then crazy about.

Benjamin Franklin: I'm pretty sure that the only thing I know about this dude is that he invented electricity or dropping acid or something. He's super fat, looks like he has an attitude and he probably has that smell that fat people have because their too fat to reach around themselves to wash. Plus, he's on money and was never president which is fucked because Chris Farley was fatter and way cooler then this powdered wig wearing dumbass...He was actually probably super smart, which also pisses me off.

Genghis Kahn: This guy was super angry, super into to killing stuff and really scary...which I don't agree with because everybody Knows that Asian people are not scary at all, their just annoying.

The great Bambino...

2010-03-20T23:22:00.000-07:00

Following up on a series of quirky events in my childhood involving the Late great Richard Powers comes the third installment of "Crazy stories my dad told me". The scene takes place in Boulder, Co and a ten year old Seth gets ahold of a baseball that has an epic tale behind it. So here it is, enjoy.

"A grand prize".

My father had always been a pack rat, and like most pack rats every piece of junk that he owned had a unique and very long story attached to why he could not part ways with it. Amongst the hover craft, cases of pezz dispensers and 3d peep show magazines there was one thing that caught my eye...the snake skin baseball. The origins of the baseball changed from time to time but the basic plot remained the same. One faithful night in NYC, my father, along with the social elite of New York, was invited to attend Clint Eastwood's birthday party. He never got into too much detail on how he was invited or if he just showed up but I'm assuming that he snuck in if any of the story is true. So, while mingling and cock tailing he eventually makes his way to talkin with the man of the hour, big Clint. Some time goes by and the two become smitten with each other, my old man's got him in stitches, "He was dyin, I was on fire that night, I told the elephant in the bathtub joke" he explained, which on a unrelated note is my mothers least favorite jokes.

The night winds down, Clint wishes everybody off and then before my dad can get to the door Mr. Eastwood presents him with a gift. The gift, which he received from a celebrity on said celebrity's birth day, was a Snake skin baseball signed by Babe Ruth, and more importantly a symbol of there newly discovered friendship. "It's one of a kind" my dad explained, "and if there are others out there, there aren't that many", hmmmmm. I had heard the tale so many different times. I hated baseball, but something about that baseball called to me, it was my leg lamp. After years of begging, he finally caved in and gave me the baseball. It was one of the happiest days of my young life, I held it and smelled it and thought "this is the greatest moment of my life". Two weeks later however, I had found yet another siren call in the form of a sack of pogs and a tattered playboy magazine, roughly estimated the conversion rate from middle school street cred to us dollars is about $1 million, so I gave up the ball to hopefully finally drop mine. Upon hearing that the ball was missing, my dad was pretty upset and a little skeptical of the story I came up with. Though He had never seen the movie, my dad did know that I never hung with any kid named yeah yeah, I didn't have a tree house and there was no ball eating dog named the "beast " that lived near by, that and he over heard me watching The Sandlot with my friend and discussing the lie.

Fuck me, right?

2010-03-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

The King of the Cobras, truley missed...

2010-03-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

This morning, while walking to the train at 5 in the morning amongst the hacids and the crack addicts was really when the reality of the situation had hit me. On the train while listening to my ipod on shuffle, which is never a good idea when you get your music off Clays laptop which about 90% of which is dj so and so's shmuck face remix, I heard a song that made me cry. I'm not proud to say that it was T.I.'s dead and gone, which doesn't exactly relate to the situation but none the less it happened. In a crowded subway car I was crying and listening to this song and then all of a sudden I just imagined if Dempsey had been there and seen me and his reaction to the fact that I was crying to T.I. and I started laughing. Dempsey was always quick to call you out, or himself out and make everybody laugh. He was always down for anything and was by far the gnarliest guy you'd ever know. I wish more then anything that I could come out to Colorado and be there with all of my friends who really are my family and share my memories with everybody and help heal the people I care most about but I can't and it sucks. So, I wanted to share a few things that make me smile, laugh, and look back and just think about how crazy it was to be around Jake Dempsey. Here it is, my top 5 for Jake Dempsey, RIP buddy.

1. The 1086 house in Denver- Every night at that house was insane and usually Jake had something to do with it. You couldn't help but just sit back and watch the mayhem unravel and how crazy/awesome/terrifying whatever he was doing was. The rug trick, cheering on chick fights, self surgery, and in the end, no matter what happened it would always bring everybody together to laugh and shout and reminisce about the night before and it brought everybody closer.

2. Any one of the 100's of injuries- No matter how gnarly he was injured, he would never show any pain. He was a super human who didn't skate but yet would eat shit harder then anyone of us at any given moment. You would see him the next morning, cig in his mouth and that glazed over face giggling saying "fucking check this shit out...". Then, after he should be bed ridden and not be able to walk you see him in the back yard cutting down a tree or making a fire pit.

3. Never backed down...ever: My group of friends are always willing to sacrifice themselves before letting a friend get hurt and Jake was the King of that. No matter what went down, even if it was our fault, he was there along with co viking Jari to throw down and get crazy. Brass knuckles, ancient weapons, stink bombs, you name it and Demspey had it.

4. Anything skull or grim reaper related...anything: Yabo and I used to go to Dempseys room and watch tv on his 230" plasma before he threw a remote at it for acting up, and always crack up at the shit Dempsey had. Skull posters, grim reaper bandannas and or a skull guitar ashtray Dempsey owned it, and it was awesome because it was just how Dempsey was, he pulled it off.

5. "I am what I am"- One of the best parts about Dempsey was he never tried to be anything he wasn't. No matter how many crazy fazes the rest of us went through Dempsey was always himself, didn't care what people thought and I always admired that. Jake Dempsey was true blue, and I'm gonna miss him and I know a whole bunch of other people are too.

So, I'm gonna remember the good times I had with Jake and I'm gonna remember the good times I have with all my friends. So, when your drinking your 40oz of king cobra just watch out not to get the rug pulled out from under you by Dempsey, cause he got me every time.

RIP Jake Dempsey

I've been diagnosed with writers block...

2010-03-09T17:56:00.000-08:00

Though I've given it a college try about 5 times now, I just can't kick this writers block kick. I don't know what the problem is seeing that I usually have something terrible happen to me daily. So, instead of a new post I'm gonna just try to come up with some ideas "out loud". I'm hoping that this will get the juices flowing inside my head and get some stuff going, maybe a Venn diagram or a thought tree.

1. Shit peddle out yet another top 5: These can really be about any one of a number of things, a whosy whatsy, a thing a majig, etc. I usually try to gear it more towards hurting somebody that I care about's feelings, thus sealing my fate as a complete asshole in their eyes forever.

2. Another ironic restaurant review: Last time I did the Halal cart, maybe this time I'll do a fast food restaurant or something. If I could just figure out a way to get this crappy food for free then I won't feel guilty about sliding this garbage down my gullet. Taint nothing wrong withs a little crown fried chicken every once and ah fuckin a.

3. Figure out some thing about Clay or Peter to poke fun at: These characters are an endless supply of blog posts, though I do start to feel guilty about it. Sometimes when I'm asleep in my bed I kind of think I can feel Clay hovering over me with a pillow or a shoe string ready to choke me to death. I also have this dream where I'm a hot dog and I'm getting chased by a giant hamburger.

4. Make a post of all the poems I wrote in high school: Some were about how miserable it was to be an angsty misunderstood teenager in this capitalist nation of conformity and others were about friends I have now girlfriends that I had crushes on. It's funny to look back on those times and think about the problems I had then and the problems I have now...both being that I have to smoke weed out of a tin foil pipe in shame.

5. A photo update: I don't think I have enough notoriety yet to simply post pictures of myself and my friends doing stuff that everybody else does but it's somehow more important and artistically valid because were "important". Besides, there's enough of that at www.thegreendiamond.com, and their way funnier then our group of friends anyway...right? Clay was on that site once wasn't he...

Well I guess I'm out of ideas guys, sorry...or did I just peddle out some shit on you just now? I know, I just blew your mind.

throw away footage cause all's we get is garbage

2010-02-27T08:21:00.001-08:00

Out of the kindness of my heart

2010-02-25T22:30:00.000-08:00

Continuing on the theme of the last post, I have more stories from the man, the myth, the legend that is my father, the man who helped spawn yours truly. These next couple of stories are some of my favorites that have stuck with me since I was a child. So with out further a do, heres another story to brighten your day.

The Coney island freak friend show.

Growing up in Bay ridge, BK, my father lived with all girls and his mother. A loaner of sorts, he seeked desperately to find a friend that was a) was not a part of his family b) was not one of his sisters, who as he described them spent their entire lives in the bathroom just to bother him and that all 8 of them were all supermodels....

It can be tough being a kid, and he had it even worse being as he was super fat. He would always tell me how he would have to work twice as hard to be super funny so that people would like him and not just think as the "fat kid" which looking back on my own child hood was true, I mean it's one thing when a fat kid in zip off pants, a bowling shirt and a rat tail is entertaining you. But when said fat kid is just trying to hangout and "talk", well that shit just can't fly.

So, on what seemed to be one of his many excursions to Coney island to have a fun packed afternoon of larfs and the freak show, my dad was in for a surprise. Instead of bringing home 5 hot dogs and a basket of onion rings, he had brought home a best friend known only as "the wolf boy". He began to explain to me that he was not in fact a wolf, but just a kid with a ton of hair all over him...ahhhh, so he's not actually part wolf part boy huh, even when I was 5 I felt like I was being patronized a little. He began hanging out with the wolf boy more and more and before you knew it, they became best friends. So, like most best buds he had asked the wolf boy over for dinner with a warning attached about grandpa and his lack of sensitivity towards but not limited to blacks, jews, asains, fat people, skinny people, indians, everyone in my family, himself and especially wolf boys. If there's one thing I remember from the tales of pappy, it's that he hated wolf people.

As the Dinner began, Pappy immediately asked why his bowl of pasta wasn't being served to him on the floor considering that he's a dog. Wolfboy continued to eat the almost uneatable pasta from my grandmothers, this is a subject of many stories in itself always ending in "how the hell she thought you could boil meat balls I don't know", my father tried changing the subject but it's hard to Vere peoples attention away from the elephant in the room, especially if that elephant looks like teen wolf. With the mix of the food, a gaggle of supermodel sister staring, and Pappy on fire in his joke department Wolfboy quickly got up and ran back to the tent covered beaches of Coney island and back to his family. He was comforted by the bearded lady, the strongest man alive tried desperately to lift his spirits, the stretchy skin guy offered a helping hand, and the guy with no limbs kinda just laid there.

That was the last time my father saw wolfboy, and nobody was happier then Pappy. Until one hot summer day when walking from the Bronx in Manhattan all the way to Bay ridge Brooklyn all for a nickel off baseball cards( insert the "sometimes it's worth the trip Seth"...) Dad glanced at a news paper that just so happened to be on the page that read "wolf boy dead". His death however was a mystery, I think dad tried telling me that he suffocated on his own hair which I liked, but I'm also pretty sure there was a version where he was leaving Nathans hot dog stand and caught a stray silver bullet.

The End

I'm king of the world!

2010-02-19T19:29:00.000-08:00

I would like to start off this post by saying that I do not consider myself a liar. I think that I was born with a special gift of storytelling, and when reminiscing about certain events they may seem at times a bit embellished. I guess I got this gift from my late father who was the best storyteller I've ever met. Growing up, I would love listening to his stories and be so fascinated with the idea that in my dads world there really was no distinction between reality and fantasy and anything can, and in the story would, happen. So, here is the first of "my dad's stories and ideas that can't believe actually happened".

"The titanic horse"

Before I begin this story I want to point out that up until I re told this story to a friend the other night did I realize how absurd this whole situation actually was and even more ridiculous is that I totally bought the whole thing up until yesterday. My dad was a pack rat, and in true pack rat fashion his home away from home was the salvation army. Convinced this is how were gonna get rich, my dad would buy everything from old pezz dispensers to ashtrays, vintage toilet seat covers, mannequins, rollerskates, exercise equipment etc. This is around the time that ebay first came out, so he really went all in on buying a bunch of shit that we didn't want/need/know existed. I'm pretty sure the whole time of this ebay fiasco which lasted up until the day he passed he only made like $48.50. Though it was super embarrassing being the family with a lawn covered in junk, it kept my mom pissed enough to not notice the terrible stuff my brother and I were doing, like lighting random fires and killing skunks.

So, one day my dad comes home with the find of a lifetime. It was a statue of some kind covered in sand that he bought at salvation army it smelled like "the ocean". This thing was left to soak in a cooler full bleach/water/broken dreams for about I don't know, like a year before the sand began to fall off. What was starting to become visible was that this was indeed a sculpture of a glass horse. This meant of course that this was a relic from the titanic. How he landed on that theory was beyond me, until I realized that my dad smoked allot of weed when I was growing up. One day, my brother was sneaking to the closet to get "something", I say something like that because until this day I don't think he'd admit that he was getting this old comic book that my dad had called the "peep show" with 3d images of ladies in bras, yeah, it was pretty awesome. So, reaching for the vintage hogan magazine, my brother knocked the cooler and broke the legs off the horse. My brother knew that he was fucked, my dad hadn't stopped talking about this god damn horse since he found it, I mean he would bring friends over to smoke weed and then stare at this amazing horse.

Heartbroken, my dad tried desperately to fix his white whale, but alas it was gone. My dad never forgave me nor my brother for the horse incident and anytime we would need money he would say "well if you didn't break the horse" or "you know how many pizza rolls the horse was worth" or "god, I loved that horse". According to him, my college fund was broken in that cooler. My dad was shattered man, that was until he bought a warehouse full of expired all sports soft drinks, star bucks mocha's and a hover craft at a blind auction on my birthday, but that's a different story.

www.thecobrasnake.com

2010-02-13T14:28:00.000-08:00

Just when I thought my two friends Clay and Bart couldn't get any cooler, they show me a thing or two and get significantlly cooler and studlyer. Apparently these rascals were at a party last night with the social allite of NYC and for some reason, I wasn't invited. I can see why though, because I do hate drinking with friends in a social setting and I really don't have any dress up clothes.

I know, I made the same mistake too. Gabe

isn't wearing formal clothes like Clay but he

is dressed like the smog strangler.

I tried calling Clay to ask how it felt to be up on the site but he didn't pick up my call, kind of been happening allot with him lately...maybe his phone is messed up or something. Iphones are notorious for not adhering to basic functions like ringing when a great friend is calling, but they are really good for tweetering and they have that cool application that makes gun noises. If I had an Iphone, which will probably never happen considering I am the only person who speaks english and is over the age of 14 who still has a "boost mobile" account, I would download the best friend app that calls your best friends up and lets them know that your having the time of your life and you want to share the wealth...that's the kinda app that I would buy if it was under $2.99.

Also, another great friend was attending this party that I've read so much about. Bart Strang, the Bart Strang that has "el barto" tattooed on his left butt cheek, was there and it looked like he had a blast. Man, I bet everybody at that party probably had a really great time cause it looked like allot of fun. It's too bad I didn't hear about it, cause Bart also has an Iphone too so maybe it's been on the fritz latley like Clays. For three hundred dollars these phones are really bad about recieving and making calls to best friends about parties that look like the most fun I'd ever have.

Judging by this enormous smile, I'm just gonna

assume that bart had a terrible time without

me.

Didn't look like that much of a

blast...

Well, yeah I'm glad I didn't go to that party because I woul...I wouldn't have eve...I I can't stop crying. I don't need those guy.. ohh god, I I I (sobbing) hate thi...(boogers) uhhhhhhh (both sobbing and boogers, some hunger noises from my stomach but thats unrelated). Oh boy, all that crying and blowing my noise was a bad idea, especially onto Rich's laptop.

Sorry guys, I.O.U one blog post, this one sucks.

A long time of thinking about doing it, and one afternoon free...

2010-02-11T14:42:00.000-08:00

FHQZ's guide to: your job

2010-02-10T19:14:00.000-08:00

I've been working in retail for about five years now and I feel I pretty much know almost everything there is to know about this kind of job. In high school, I failed almost every class that had nothing to do with art, bowling, or "study hall". but had there been a class taught souly on sorting out hangers for nine hours a day I'm pretty sure I would have totally aced it. I also would also gotten high marks in inventory, folding clothes, general back stocking and I would major in walkie checks. Some of my friends haven't had as much experience in this, others haven't even had a job in their lives...I won't name names. So here's a break down of the who's who in your future job.

The Manager-This person does not like you because your hilarious. Though you too are kind of fat, she is super fat and has no real sense of humor about it and gets all up tight when you call her out on it. Her ultimate goal throughout the day is to remind you of the one time you didn't do this or the other time you ruined that. She doesn't understand that you don't always have to be working or even "awake" on the job, she totally flips out when she catches you napping under the sweaters, it's like chill out dude.

Assistant Manager-This person does way more work then the actual manager, but is a little fatter and has a really low self esteem. Even though you don't actually know this person, you quickly learn that their whole life has been spent as either the "side kick" or the runner up. You start to kind of identify and feel bad for this person, but then they call you out on something and embarrass you at a team meeting in front of everybody and then your like "fuck this bitch...and I know it was you that totally blew up the ground floor bathroom this morning".

Random people that are always in the managers office- You don't know what they do exactly, but their always in the manger's office either chatting or eating. If you try to ask who they are or what they do at the store you will always get the "just worry about what you have to do". Though it is a mystery at first, you had it exactly right the first time, this gaggle of the fashion worlds waste were actually hired to sit and eat expensive food and talk about tv shows you've never heard of. It's looks like a pretty awesome job, but to get it you have to be the cousin of some famous dude.

Visual decorators of the store-These chicks have been up for like 6 hours but they haven't been working, they've just been doing blow in the fitting room. A couple of them went to art school but majored in something weird like performing arts or art history. You'll always hear them talking about how crazy the night before was and how much shit went down and your like "wow, they seem pretty awesome" but then you realize that most of them are like 30+ years old and one may or may not have a couple kids...doing jello shots off their grateful dead back piece.

Cashier-"Welcome to Mcdonald....Oh, wait welcome to Blank clothing supplies". All of these people are either gay or girls, they all look down on you and they all have huge aspirations of being A) movie star B) model C) fashion designer or if all else some how fails they can always become a doctor/lawyer in no time. About 90 percent of their last jobs were fast food but then they got the hunch to make it big in fashion. They all look down on you because your fine with looking at this job as just a way to get money and not a big deal, jokes on you when they become famous one of these days....right?

Stock worker-Stick out your finger and touch your nose, can you do it? Congratulations, you got the job. The only prerequisite you need for this job is that your alive and breathing, and preferably that you can't read. Probably where your gonna end up if your reading this, you'll love the benefits that come along with the job. You make slightly more then pan handling with less respect from your peers. "Attention stock workers, there is a toilet over flowing in one of the fitting rooms. Bring a mop and a PLUNGER." And I got the lovely nick name "little white bitch", has a ring to it huh?

So if there's anything you've learned from this it's that you should definitely take that job as a lawyer/doctor/professional athlete. It sounds way cooler.

why have the best when you could have the rest

2010-02-08T14:19:00.000-08:00

Picture this, the year is 2010. Cars are powered by gasoline, video game systems are powered by con edison, con edison is powered by your mom cause you live in her basement still, beer comes in a can that when the temperature has reached it's maximum level of refreshment the mountains turn blue. With all of these developments, I only mentioned the super important ones, it's mind boggling to me that some things are around and that there are people that actually help support these things. Here are a few that I've noticed recently.

1. Cop on a horse- I really can't come up with any situation in which this is the best mode of transportation for a police officer. If a police officer can't be in a car then they should be on a bike. Bikes don't gallop when your trying to sneak up on teenagers smoking weed on Crosby st, bikes don't take giant shit's in the middle of Broadway, and bikes also don't need pit stops to have a quick salt lick. Just when I thought New York City cops couldn't get anymore worthless they create a job where a fat guy from queens poses for pictures in times square for German tourists, but don't try to pet "officer sprinkles" or you'll be spendin the night in central bookin ya scumbag.

2. Pay phones- At this point in time, if you don't own a cell phone you either A) just got out of prison or B) are about to go to prison. There's something so unsettling about seeing someone on a payphone that you'd almost feel more comfortable openly masturbating in public. I recently lost my phone and had to call everybody from payphones and even homeless were looking at me like I was fucking crazy.

3. The porno video store- This ties in directly to the pay phone aspect of the demographic this attracts. How do you not have the Internet? Are you that stubborn that your begrudgingly gonna avoid getting a computer at any cost, even if that means completely tarnishing your already soiled image and putting the final nail in the coffin of your self respect? Do yourself a favor and get a cheap laptop and some decent Internet, the porno your gonna find is gonna fucking blow your mind.

4. Mime- At this point in the game, the mime really is the worst street performer in the street arts business today. You have people deep throating flaming swords, juggling chainsaws, walking on broken glass and razorblades, hammering nails into their faces, wait this might just be the coney island freak show I'm talking about. Either way, your stuck in a box and nobody is giving you a dime nor bumming you a cigarette.

5. Hookah bars- I honestly thought this would be short lived, but thanks to the same crowd single handedly keeping Ed Hardy brand clothing/energy drinks/beer afloat, it's not gonna go anywhere any time soon. I'm guessing these were the same people who thought that oxygen bars were the next big thing...

A dear Abby.

2010-01-30T12:53:00.000-08:00

Dear chick trying to rock to fakie the extension at the kcdc ramp on Thursday night,

upon seeing you skate the ramp before the guys could get on to skate, I noticed that your b/s 50's were pretty sketchy and an your rock fakies were pretty unbuttery. To my dismay, you attempted to take that rock fakie to the extension during the male ramp jam out of some act of rebellion. This really concerned me and despite every guy there egging you on to continue I'm afraid they were just satisfying their need to see a boob pop out by accident. If for some reason you end up landing this, and your single boob does indeed pop out then this will literally be the highlight of you short lived skateboarding career. Any time you do a trick without exposing your breast will probably be followed with boo's and you will be hissed at until you flash these animals or leave with shame. On your last attempt, I'm pretty sure you broke your wrist. Even worse, when somebody came to your rescue I'm pretty sure he copped a feel on your butt. Here are a few suggestions on some new activities that might suit you better: Aggressive shopping, inline cosmetology, or extreme thrifting. Though the rest of the skateboard community may be upset with me for ruining their chances of seeing the boob mentioned above, I could not live with myself knowing I didn't try to help you.

Sincerely concerned,

cowardice anonymity, afraid you may beat me up at the next ramp jam.

The shittiest times in my life: the Brown years

2010-01-29T18:15:00.000-08:00

Waiting in line to get dumplings in Chinatown the other day I had compiled yet another list of my "best and worst" public restrooms in NYC, and this particular bathroom fell somewhere in the middle, which isn't really the point of this story. After the dumplings, I felt like complete garbage and a midst destroying a toilet deep in the arm pit of china town, I came up with another list. So here it is, the first 5 of "my worst toilet related incidents during the span of 1995 to current".

1. Big mac attack-Being in sixth grade meant going to the mall with your friends, and being fat and in sixth grade meant me spending the money I stole from my brothers change jar to eat in the food court at the mall for hours. Fellow fat adolescent Eric Nash had found out the day prior that I had never actually eaten a "big mac" from mcdonalds and insisted that the following day we make it a point to get this sandwich together and then talk about how awesome it was eating it. I Got the sandwich and about 20 mins into stealing candy from the jaw breaker store, my stomach started beating the shit out of me. I ran to the nearest bathroom and began violently shitting while simultaneously vomiting in between my legs into the poor bowl. 10 mins into that Eric runs in banging on the door(one stall) so we take turns puking and shitting our hearts out for about 2 hours. It's rumored that this is why the crossroads mall closed.

2. Grilled stuffed burrito from taco bell-This tragedy was avoidable, and that's why it haunts me so. Veering away from my usual of two bean burritos with sour cream and guacamole, pre dollar menu, I decided to try the grilled stuffed chicken burrito. Later that night I was so violently ill, so shaken and worn out by the terror of my own bowles that I actually prayed to god that it would stop, it later got way worse when I started puking and shitting what felt like the equivalent of drinking Tabasco and siracha hot sauce for 3 days. My own personal trail of tears, it lasted about a week and a half. Later telling the tale to a friend, all he had to say on the matter was "you don't look any thinner".

3. George's revenge-For a second I was embarrassed and thought about not mentioning this one, but then I realized that I have a blog completely devoted to farts and 8th grade humor but unfortunately for me this happened in 11th grade and not in middle school, sigh. Cafeteria antics were going along smoothly, I had already made fun of every person within ten feet of me and taking it a step further I decided to fart on George Perez. Not to sound arrogant, but this was a feat I had accomplished many times prior but today was different. With the air coming out of my cheeks I soon realized I was in way over my head when long and behold I had sharted my paints. Stunned, I said nothing and penguin walked to the bathroom where I threw away my boxer briefs, attempted to wash the mess off the legs of my brand new jeans. Defeated, I tied my sweat shirt around my naked waist and ran to my gym locker where I put on my sweatpants. George was thrilled.

4. Force fed change and clay-My brother really loved seeing me suffer when we were young, so he made me eat a bunch of change and some clay in starburst wrappers. He said it was "starburst gray", I knew it was obviously clay and he replied "eat it or I'll beat the shit out of you" which was pretty convincing. So, quarters and modeling clay don't feel good going in your mouth, or out of your ass as I came to learn.

5. Starbucks prankster-Besides the fact that I was sick, it didn't help that every German tourist in NYC happened to have to shit in soho at that very starbucks at the same exact time. I honestly thought I wasn't gonna be able to hold it and was gonna have to deficate myself in a crowded starbucks. I finally get in there and shot gun shelled a shit out even before my cheeks hit the seat. With a sigh of relief, I reached for the toilet paper which had been pissed on. Fucking pissed on, and not just only one roll but 5 rolls! How many people were in on this? Panicked, I sacrificed my right sock to clean up the mess. Thats when the pounding on the door started and I thoughtlessly threw the sock in the bowl and flushed. Water and Shit started flowing out and covering the floor, it was everywhere and began coming out of the crack of the door and flowing out where the other 50 people were waiting. I heard screams and yelling so I took a breathe, gathered what I had left of my pride and opened the door and ran as fast as I could out of the crowded Establishment, feet covered in shitty water. It was a nightmare, but oddly enough I still go there to get coffee in the morning unfazed.

Top 10 Shockers of the past year...or from years before last year

2010-01-13T11:12:00.000-08:00

With the coming of the new year, actually were well into the new year but I've been really slacking, comes new beginnings and a chance to reflect on the people and events that helped shape the year of 2009. I've created a best of or a "greatest hits" of sorts in order to celebrate and recognize such events and people in the classic top 10 form.

1. Snowboarding is some what excepted -In an attempt to be taken seriously, snowboarding is inducted into the winter Olympics and the games have never been so stoned or neon colored. For the first time in years, the state of Colorado is pushing out Olympic athletes thanks in part to Satellite board shop, which is a change of pace from pushing out free energy drinks, mediocre skateboarding clips and shitty board graphics.

2. Clay keeps growing his hair- Not to be out shined by the snowboarding news, Clay Kessack continues to grow his long locks of hair and holding a place in the record books of "an Asian guy from Colorado with pretty long hair" amongst our group of friends.

3. Peter hits the 500 mark- Peter Goldberg went big in 09 by smashing his previous record of 410 to a whopping 500 hospital visits in 2009 all from illnesses and disorders completely fictional and insane. From having a bad case of the chronic hungries to a serious tummy ache, Peter battled through 2009 with spirit and intensity of an over mothered man child convinced that his own body is working against itself, which ironically enough sounds like he should get checked out.

4. Dr. Stienburg- Thanks to Peters daily trips to his ER room, Dr. Stienburg has finally saved up enough money to buy that Island he always wanted made completely of gold and diamonds.

5. Katz visits NYC- In what had been rumored many times before, Mike Katz flew not to New Jersey to sit around watching tv but actually straight through to NYC to hangout with friends and drink at bars that are not on Pearl street. When asked about the trip he replied that he had an "ok" time.

6. Rich Duff's his way into 2010- In what's become an on going joke, friends of Rich have come up with the term "Duffing" to describe Rich's behavior. When asked about the new term Rich reportedly ignored the interviewer.

7. RIP Alex Haskin 1989-2006, hello Mcshwilly-In the course of three years Alex or "Mcshwilly" has ran away from home, train hopped to every crappy town in the us, gained 94 pounds from alcohol abuse, suffered a mild heart attack, slept on Pearl street, had one dread lock, became a construction worker and a direct blood relative to gg allin, acquired some pretty terrible tattoos and emits an awful odor. To think all of this could have been avoided if two immature teenagers didn't give him the nick name "suds" and cause him to spiral into an complete oblivion in order to out live the the nickname, all because he could do really good 360 flips and we couldn't.

8. Yabo the inventor- in 2009 yabo invented both Dickie's and Levi 501's, pool skating, frontside grinds, made drinking beer cool, painting boobs, starting a blog, wearing halfcabs and not showering. I know he really likes ground beef now, so I think he invented that as well.

9. Weed is legalized in Boulder-Distribution centers upon up near skate shops that used to sell weed on the hill, which I can only see the business further suffering from trades of skateboard products for weed "products". Local pot enthusiasts Jari and Sean are super hyped, but may be a little too stoned to realize this might effect their business...

10. Unique group of friends keep social network site running- Skateboarders from Denver, Co are literally keeping myspace.com up and running. With nearly every other member leaving the site for facebook.com or even twitter, these determined young men are in for the long haul, along with Tilla Tequilla.

Mixing water and oil

2009-12-13T14:54:00.000-08:00

I recently went through and edited some posts and found some that I never finished. This one is from a little while back when Yabo was about to visit NYC. I thought doing a comparison of the two would be super funny but it ultimately became to hard to find similarities between them that wouldn't end with them both hating me...plus I'm lazy. Enjoy

I am lucky enough to have a very diverse group of friends that I've acquired over the years, few black friends, but I do have an Asian one...I'm getting off topic here. The point is, with such big personalities sometimes there can be some clashing. One of my best friends Yabo is coming to visit in about a week and I got to thinking even though my friends are really different, they share an uncommon bond, like a super...bond. So here's a comparison that I thought would be interesting.

Meet Yabo-

"booger" "fart" "Yabo laugh"

You may remember Yabo from a post I made last year in tittled " the real party monster". A 22 year old art student at the university of Colorado, he embodies the stereotype of what you hope college is gonna be like when your like 14 and is the only person I've met who's life pans out like it does in movies about college, which is just about the coolest thing ever. He paints goblins, eats beers and is the only person alive I know of to get an HJ in a camo sleeping bag.

Meet Peter Goldberg:

This was the only picture Peter

had on his facebook that wasn't

a common friend.

Peter is a 20-30 year old student at The New school, and a graduate of C.U. and maybe another university as well. Peter is a shy and polite guy who is also a homebody. He's cautious and rarely if ever has gotten into trouble.

Now let's see what these two have in common that they might not even know.

Yabo: Takes his shirt off at every party every party he's ever been to.

Peter: Wears a button down belly shirt to every party we've ever taken him to.

Yabo: Sneaks in beers at bars to avoid paying for them

Peter: Sneakily puts his headphones on at the bar to avoid interacting with anyone.

Yabo: Eats allot of ground beef and couldn't imagine why anyone wouldn't

Peter: Gets made fun of by Yabo who can't understand why Peter wouldn't eat ground beef

Yabo: Can destroy a living room within 5 minutes of getting to a party

Peter: is a interior designer and aspires to design the rooms that Yabo will make fun of and soon destroy

Yabo: Cooks frozen pizzas and then cools them so he can pack them whole for a lunch

Peter: Has his made cook his frozen pizzas

Yabo: Comes with a warning attached when introduced to people he's yet to interact with

Peter: Needs to read the warning label of every single thing he comes in contact with to see if it will clash with one of the 500 medications he's taking

Yabo: thinks his drawings are gonz Esq

Peter: Thinks his skating is gonz Esq

-Niether of them are correct

Yabo: Would take a bullet for a friend if he had to

Peter: Would take a dollar from a friend if he was owed it, no matter how long ago the dollar was owed

Yabo: Will drench himself in his own urine

Peter: Will drench himself in his own blood from scrubbing his used to be hands

Restaurant review: eating is easy

2009-12-11T10:15:00.000-08:00

After a few meeting's with the men from the previous post, I left with a bad taste in my mouth. So I decided to catch a bite to eat and review it for your reading pleasure. I dined in at the world celebrated Halal food cart located in the heart of the city, Broadway and Broome. For those of you currently living outside of the NYC area, this post will make little sense to you and probably annoy you, for those of you living in NYC it will still probably bother you.

Upon approaching the cart I noticed two things, one being that all I could smell was this food and urine since I got off the train 6 blocks earlier, and that the cart itself was surrounded by a puddle of what I assume to be urine, I'm guessing this was just a coincidence. "Hi" I said with excitement, "what's on the menu today"? "Look sign" he replied in between breathing out of a cigarette covered some sort of yellow sauce. So following the chefs orders I browsed the "look sign" he spoke of. "I think I'll have the gyro" I said with hesitation after seeing how Delicious all the food looked that had been sitting on the grill for at least 97 hours which really gave it time to marinate in it's own stagnate juices. "Is that lamb or chicken" I asked pointing at the grill. "Zat is Za Salad" he said sweating a little too much for comfort considering it was 30 degrees outside. "hmmmmm" I pondered, "well I guess I'll have the lamb". So He began chopping up what I had thought was a rubber matt and pressing it against the grill. He wore one stained ripped glove, which he pressed against my food after wiping his sweaty face every five seconds, which was a relief because I would have been a bit worried if he wasn't wearing glove.

The glove like this bloody glove, but way way

worse.

4 cigarettes later, he had poured white sauce and red stuff on it and wrapped it in news paper. The gyro was ready to consume, but not before he touched some more of my food with his glove, or what remained of the glove. "oh, ha thanks it smells...allot" I was also starting to sweat at this point. The gyro looked pretty good, I was hungry and even though I had never eaten cooked food that was pulsating in my hands I have it a go. The first bite honestly amazed me. How could something that has such a strong odor have no taste at all, it was like eating a sponge after it scrubbed a curry covered toilet, so it was pretty good. I was also impressed on how quickly the gyro went through my system and had me sprinting to the starbucks bathroom and treating the toilet like an Iraqi prisoner of war, interrogating it for answers that it just could not answer...or flush. So, leaving pale and having murdered and tortured the Innocent porcelain bystander I felt pretty good for only spending $3.00 on lunch.

Rest in peace buddy, rest in peace.

I give it four stars, one star for the quality of the food, 2 for the price, and one star for the worlds most recycled glove.

WANTED: early 20's sassy potential new best friend

2009-12-08T11:31:00.000-08:00

First let me start this post by apologizing to my mother, one of my biggest fans, for the lack of updates. I've been extremely busy experimenting with drugs and alcohol and having pre marital sex to write funny stories...well, that's mostly untrue. I have however been spending allot of time by myself because I think my friends are starting to become tired of my bad attitude/smell, at least my girlfriend puts up with it...against her will. Any who, thus began my quest in finding my new best friend. I thumbed through the "strictly platonic" m4m section of craigslist to find the friend of my dreams, here's what I found.

Contestant #1:

The first thing I noticed about this ad was I don't think we would have very much in common, though he really loves cigars and is a married military man, I'm just not that into the whole JO buddy thing, I've never really been a fan of jogging off with another guy...but I wouldn't mind the "chilling nude" part I suppose.

Pretty casual cat, plus is that a

hookah...? bonus

Contestant #2:

A self described "clean and friendly" Asian, he seems ready to help me with all my computer, camera, and painting problems which is great because my current Asian friend isn't really helping me in that department, he's just completely abandoning me. Could this be the friend of my dreams? I guess it depends on how many technical problems I'm currently having with my PC.

I'm not gonna lie, this guy seems like a

party animal...plus he can probably fix my

ipod.

Contestant #3:

The language barrier could possibly be a problem, but he said he's "pretty much down for anything with the right dude" so I'm assuming he means learning English and then telling fart jokes with me. He's down to get a beer and see a Broadway show, but his eyes say he just wants to jet ski all day and then show off his six pack abs...this is gonna be a tough decision.

Could this be completely and

total heterosexual love?

Contestant #4:

He loves to dance, and he's a big fan of roses. When I asked if he'd want to hangout without me bringing roses ,because lets face it I don't have much of a green thumb, he replied "well how would you like a brown thumb"?

Another fan of the hookah I see, I could see

us kicking back and talking about girls.

Who am I kidding, all these ads have one very big thing in common...these guys don't need a friend like me around. Oh well, I guess I'll have to continue with the friends that I already have and you know what? I'm ok with that. Because there's nothing wrong with hangin nude with screech, nothing at all.

Rants and raves, a 22 yr old boy going on 80

2009-11-08T19:45:00.000-08:00

So I finally got a computer I can use to complain about stuff on again thanks to my buddy Jeff Hackworth, he had no choice in the matter really because it's part of his new rent plan to give me computer time now, which is pretty sweet because one of my roommates already locked his door due to the Duff man needing to much vanity time and the other is apparently getting cranky that I keep using his laptop without his permission...Sorry "mom". Any who, here's some stuff that's been on my mind as of late.

Tipping isn't a city in China, but it should be: If there's one thing I honestly can say that I've been selfless and generous with my whole life is leaving a pretty good tip. But as of late, I've also let my bad attitude take over that aspect of my life as well. You walk into the bar, get hassled because your id may or may not be real, wait 20 minutes for your drink order to be taken by a saggy and busted bartender who giggles to herself after sizing you up and hands you a glass half full of warm beer and then it's not only expected that I will leave at least a dollar tip but implied. A dollar tip on every drink? It's literally gonna take at least 3 drinks to be buzzed enough into thinking that going out to the bar with Peter G and Canyon, a 19 year old child who walks like he rode to New York on horse back, at 3 am on a Tuesday is a good idea.

What can I do besides complain: I'd sit pretty comfortable with just complaining, but some of you out there may be more proactive and would like to have a solution to your problems. So I came up with a brilliant plan that's been working out great for me...retipping. Retipping is the art of taking somebody Else's tip and retipping it to the bartender so I can save up more to buy myself more drinks. I've become a robin hood of sorts, I steal from assholes and give to pretencions beer jockeys . It's a win win. But when I'm feeling really good, I steal the tip from multiple pretty boy Floyd's from the bar and use that money to buy drinks and don't tip anything at all, that's a win win win. Three Win's can't be wrong.

What if my friend is bar tending?: This is a tough call, because in this case your usually drinking for free in this situation and a tip would be the right thing to do. But, what about my companionship for a tip? I mean come on, I could understand if I was Creepy boring guy Blank over here but I'm tellin stories, doing impressions, using props, honestly a few free drinks is the least you can do for me and I would go as far as to say a tip would be in order. It's like making a gift for your friends and family instead of purchasing what they actually want or need, I mean sure their not happy with it but nobody has the heart to call you out on it right? And besides, if your reading this then you don't have enough friends to worry about one being a bartender, except maybe Clay...he's so awesome.

How do I sleep at night? I'm such an asshole right? Yeah I guess, but as I see it I have the worst luck out of anybody I know and well, this kind of stuff evens the scale in my mind. I'm in bad health, I have to wash my hair with vinegar to rid of the dandruff, my body admits and unpleasant odor, I'm constantly losing money , all minorities seem to have a problem with me including white people, I'm constantly being ticketed and shit on by birds or pissed on by toddlers in china town and well, yeah I think I'm gonna keep my dollar instead of giving it away to go towards the bartenders next chestpeice tattoo idea.

If these guys are going to heaven, I'm thankfull Im heading to hell...

2009-10-04T21:02:00.000-07:00

As some of you know, the gang and I have moved to the lovely area of the historic Marcy projects. But beyond the misty meadows and the Old English flowing rivers there is trouble brewing, Hasitic Jewish trouble. I've had a few run in's with these jokers over the past couple months and I've come to hear only worse and worse things about these enigmas of the human race. So, lets take a look and see if we can get a closer look and maybe a better understanding of my new neighbors.

what is a hasitic jew? For my friends not living in the New York city area, you may be lucky enough to have never interacted with these creatures. Hasitic jews are similar to regular jews, only everything about them is completely exaggerated as if you were viewing a jewish person in a fur coat on mushrooms. The ensemble is very modest and tasteful consisting of a giant robe, a hat that is made of a tire dipped in hair, and Pilgrim stockings and pirate shoes. To their credit however, they've managed to stand out even among the crowd in williamsburg which is a feat in itself. Prepare to get a few hundred awkward glances if you skate down the street because this is the one group of people who have still never seen nor heard a skateboard in their lives, I swear these fucking people are from the past, thousands of years ago they stumbled upon a time machine and right before they got in they tripped a wire that tarred them and dumped old barber shop trimmings on them before being druged then pushed a few buttons until they arrived here.

Where's the beef, this hate isn't Kosher? I don't hate jewish people, in fact I love all the success they've had in this country, like the show Seinfeld. The hasids however leave a bad taste in my mouth (thats what she said). The men have the sexual maturity of a 10 year old boy seeing his first boob , only for penises. They alone keep the prostitution business thriving in nyc, these guys really love dicks, that and mini vans. I've never had more attention skating down the street then this in my life and it scares the shit out of me. Just last night our new guy Jeff that sleeps on our floor almost got abducted trying to find our house, call me a pessimist but I don't think their intentions were to just "give him a ride" like they said while holding duck tape behind their back and violently masterbating in front of him.

I don't know what I'm trying to prove with this post, but all I know is that these guys are the worst. I guess I'm a racist now. No, I think I just hate creepy assholes with weird costumes that attempt to rape me and my friends. Meh, I'm just racist.

Turd merchants of death: An asshole's review...

2009-09-23T22:16:00.000-07:00

I haven't posted anything in about a month, in which I've been doing other awesome things like getting all types of laid by one chick and drinking myself to sleep while a bootleg copy of "funny people" plays annoyingly in the background, don't see it because funny people sucks. It's not even funny, which is a total contradiction to the title, I mean the fucking nerve of Jud Apatow to pull off the romantic/heartfelt/andam sandler impersonations comeback...I'm getting off topic here, I'm here to review a meta skate video, not some piece of shit. Anywho, I haven't had Internet access in a while when all of a sudden I see a little gem called "turd merchants of death". Now besides living on the opposite side of the country, i feel inclined to follow the skate scene of a town I used to live in.

The basic plot: Seeing as I only have access to the commercial and not the actual video, here's what I've gathered is going on in the film. Longmonster Dan, Creepy jake and the dude my best friend buys coke from are all running away from a group of pearl street legends turned zombies, in order to skate the boulder ditch with Brian Ball. I'm assuming that other characters will be thrown in the mix such as the Red head dude with half of a thumb, Niel thurman and that one chill longboarder who gets a 15% homie discount at the shop just for being down for sector nine and bong hits.

Much like Halloween, this movie is

scary stuff.

Meta's past video projects will be hard to beat, with titles including "motherly love" and "hoagies and Grinders" is just the tip of the ice burg, and of course the infamous 98%, a meta side project, who's videos speak volumes amongst the alternative crowd that hung out near the creek smoking cigs at my high school.

A scene taken from Meta's

"Recess", a truly hard video

to top.

Admission should be anywhere from 5 dollars to saying you "have a trick in the homies section", which I strongly recommend you do if you live in the Colorado area because chances are you probably do have a trick in the video without actually knowing about it. So pack a van in with you drunken friends, pick up a few tweenage girls you see walking around the hill looking for glow sticks, and if your little jake then bring you mom to what I'm hoping, nay, declaring to be the biggest box office sensation to come out of the campus area in months! Beers will be smashed, fights will be started, and I'm willing to put up a wager that a couple of "free squeeks" will be thrown into the mix.

Less of a picture and more of a shrine to an area

of Boulder that meta's gathered so much of it's

inspiration for in its upcoming film.

7 stars, 3 stars were lost due to that Todd kid being in the movie as the mechanic...I'm only assuming Kris with a Clay's old shoes would have been more then willing to do it...

-Captain FHQZ

"Have you narrowed in on a major yet"

2009-08-09T21:04:00.000-07:00

The other day I was late for work, and thus punished to sort hangers for 9 hours straight when I had a very rude awakening that I am literally the only person out of my group of friends that hasn't graduated or is attending school or even planning on it or even humoring the idea of attending school. So naturally, I started thinking about what I should do for a career. Enough of this kid retail bull shit, I need a real job and here are a few things that have come up in my mind.

1. Astronaut: This sounds pretty far fetched even to me, but then I started thinking about it more and more. The rigorous testing is basically carnival rides that I can train for at coney island, I love eating dehydrated food while floating and I look really good in a jump suit. Based off of every training film I've watched for this, Armageddon to be more specific, all I basically have to do is be a bad ass with a heart of gold, check, have no experience in flying a multi million dollar air craft, check, and fall in love with a rock star's daughter, not so check. If a monkey can do it and even a chick then I think I'd at least be an average space man.

Insert funny caption...I've resorted to

back sass t shirt lines.

2. Pro wrestler: Have you seen the WWE lately...it's in pretty sad shape. All I'm saying is they could use one less rapping buff guy in a thong and one more 20 something Italian smart ass that loves snacking. I already have a name of the "junk food kid" picked out and I could blow pork rind dust into my opponents eyes and my championship belt can be made of Dickie's and have a gold embroidered face of the Andy Caps chip guy. Plus I talk allot of shit, like so much shit.

I mean he seems like a nice enough guy,

but come on, he's had his time.

3. Drugs: This one is pretty general and open ended. I could sell them, ship them or just start doing them. Anything to just block out the sadness which has become my life really. I made one attempt at selling fake cocaine at a party but my friends immediately thought I was just kidding and being "funny" so I was just left with a baggie of baking powder which totalled me in at a slight loss.

No matter how street smart they look, somebody

will end up buying my stash.

4. inventions: I have been trying to come up with or steal a good idea for some new inventions or technologies for as long as I can remember, but it turns out my friends are pretty set on talking about beer. I did come up with an idea for a bug repellent hat but was quickly told that they sell them in the "sky mall" magazine that they have on airplanes, which I claim to have invented also.

Looks just as happy as I had

pictured when I designed it.

5. Mugging people: I've known for quite some time now that I'm not very intimidating looking to people I try to scare. In the right circumstance though, and in a mask I thought i could pull it off. This also back fired when the kid I stuck up pulled out a sling shot and stole my wallet which had my subway sandwich shop rewards card in it, with enough hole punches to cash in on a free foot long. Needless to say, the meatball marinara is not in my immediate future.

Kids are way too hard to rob

these days.

What can I say, I tried my hardest and I just couldn't come through. One day I"ll look back and laugh as I tell these tales to my poverty stricken children as they desperately huddle around our barell of fire to stay warm. They however will have a steady income to bring back to our alley from their chimney sweeping jobs, because chimneys will always need a sweeping my friends...always.

A Clay date, a pretty great date

2009-07-31T00:00:00.000-07:00

Now I've been on what I consider to be allot of dates with Clay, and I've cherished them deeply. But Clay has grown up, and has hit the town with some ladies apparently. So if your sick and pathetic like me and you lay in bed at 3 am thinking of what it's like for a girl to go on a date with Clay then your in luck because I am that pathetic. "Everyday from now on your only gonna get fatter and hairier, I had the fattest hairiest day of my life today"-Yabo, that one quote sums up me writing this post entirely, just a bitter fat man covered ii ass hair who's envious of a hairless hunk. Here it is, a NYC night with a Korean socialite

Knowing Clay he is probably gonna take a girl out to the worst, embarrassing hip and expensive bar that the city can puke up. This bar is ideal because a)it has vanity mirrors ideal for steeze checking your 3 haired moustache B) great way to give a girl even more incentive to take a quirky myspace photo, or wait is anybody on myspace anymore? Icelounge or myberrics photo then.

"The second she lifts her butt cheeks off my

penis I'm tweeting"

things seem to be moving a bit too quick for our bachelors taste, so he breaks out an old stand by...get "wierd". This not only lets her know your an artist but it's a perfect opportunity for her to take more photos of herself and immortalize you through an image of a series of images ten pages long of tagged photos on facebook of other guys at other bars. And besides, who doesn't love tagging.

one wild and crazy night,rebel rebel

A true man of passion and courage, Clay takes a calculated risk...conversing with the woman. Now your guess is as good as mine on what could have been discussed in the picture below, from corn conspiracies to hamburger grease paintings one thing is for sure the sound of her vagina clamping shut is echoing throughout the bar. He should be talking about shopping or oral sex, something women can relate too. I may or may not have used that line from a movie, If I didn't then I'm way funnier then my mom and friends think...just throwing it out there that I'm not sure.

If only there a was an app for this situation...

No matter the context of this next photo I can't get around the harshness. What's worse, a girl pretending to puke into her purse to the camera while your not looking or a girl actually doing it?Truly a brain buster.

ouch

I'm only assuming this guy did not help

the situation...

So, with a forty five dollar bar tab and a half a chubby nestled in his white Capri's, Clay calls it a night. No luck this time, but this was only a scrimage and the big game is coming up anytime now. All he's gotta do is increase his offense, lay off the dot com talk and his spirits up.

all this and more can be yours ladies, all this

and more.

I for one would love to go home from the bar wasted sitting on the back of that stallion.

Holiday wishes...

2009-07-05T07:37:00.000-07:00

As none of you know tomorrow is my birthday. I'm gonna be 22 years young and I will most likely be as bitter as I am every other day. BUT, I've compiled a list of gifts that would make me less miserable to be around tomorrow so I strongly encourage everybody to stop what they're doing and attend to my impossible to obtain desires.

1. New NYPD training film: Imagine if the problem with the police in NYC was as simple as giving them an actual training video instead of that old copy of Andrew Dice Clay's stand up that they make the new recruits watch everyday and then reenact to the general public.

Not a role model

2. Bag of Salvia: I want to get a bag of that Salvia stuff so I can sell it to the kids at the middle school across from my street, it's called profit...every heard of it? I was selling them ground up Crab apples but a few of the kids got really sick and may or may not have died : (

Artist rendition of the after math of the crab apples.

3.For Clay to stop tagging: Besides the fact that everyone of my friends has become a "tag artist" as of yesterday, I'm concerned for his well being. Oh, and it'd be nice to take a sip of my beer while on his roof without getting paint in it.

4. Destroy Peters Painter hats: Sounds like a riddle but come on, there are more hats available buddy. And lets face it, the last thing Peter painted was the town red while going on a pierogi shopping spree.

Not bad Peter, not bad at all...

5. Frog bong: Call me a perfectionist, but wouldn't it just tie together my lily pad hookah?

You think you know but you have no idea...

2009-07-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

As some of you may know I live in the Williamsburg/Bushwick area of Brooklyn. Allot of people classify the whole are as the Hipster bubble but I don't really think that's accurate. I mean sure, there are allot of hip handsome people still here but i thought I'd give some insight on some of my favorite groups of people who live around me.

That Guy: This guy is probably the most popular amongst the Williamsburg population. Seemingly harmless from a distance but upon closer examination you can tell exactly what's on this guys mind. In his late 20's to 30's he carouses the Bedford strip in search of organic flax muffins and a soy chai latte before yoga class. Sporting the latest clothing and accessories he some how manages to throw the whole thing off by trying to slip in a little piece of his former self such as a pair of clogs, hemp anklet or some rock climbing fleece. Driving a bike with an "impeach Bush" sticker on the back he's dead set on making some changes. He's found his oasis here in Brooklyn to relive his glory days at the local bar but don't even think of smoking near this guy outside unless its a clove or American spirits or you may get an eye roll or at worst a shake of the head in disgust. He's a huge spin doctor's fan.

I Hope he eventually drowns in chocolate silk.

The LUG(lesbian until graduation): It was only a matter of time before people had to not only change their entire image and personality to fit in, but now their sexual orientation. Parading around in their vintage tattered clothes they are here, they are temporarily queer, and they are young good looking artist girls who've chosen a shorter hair style. Power marching to the record store or the more expensive organic bodega, they are holding hands with authority. A mear look in their direction with a friendly smile will be followed with a "WHAT! Never seen a Lesbian before you PIG!!!". As shocking as a new Eddy Murphy movie, these girls are more upset that nobody cares anymore except their parents. Oh, and they work at every bagel store in Brooklyn.

There's no way their just doing this for attention...right?

Too cool for school...or anything: This guy has got it all figured out. The king of Brooklyn in his mind but would never admit to it because even thinking that he's cool makes him uncool but he knows he's cool because he's doing everything to be as cool as he can in a whatever way. Residing in the heart of the hipster scene he knows everybody else is just a poser. Reading "on the road" on the train strictly to be double ironic, wearing the latest clothes as a symbol of irony, riding a fixed gear bike and laughing at others riding them because he's doing as some joke inside his head. He's obviously on another level of cool and is hoping that he can find a girl smart enough to see his intentions by looking at him, but do you think the girl is gonna look at him and think everything he's doing is strictly to be ironic and anti hip or she's just seeing a skinny kid in glasses reading a popular book on a single speed bike? Don't tell him though...

This is the kind of guy that wouldn't laugh at a

fart joke unless it was on vinyl.

Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate...

I'm a hater!

Cpt. FH

It's been a long month, a long hard month

2009-07-03T11:20:00.000-07:00

I've been getting allot of guff for not posting anything for a solid month now and it's starting to really get me depressed, I can barley enjoy getting intoxicated at 2pm without feeling alittle bit guilty of depriving the world, 4 followers, of my thoughts and bitterness. During the course of this month I've made several big changes in my life. One being that I got a new Job and the other being that I got my phone stolen at Enids in Brooklyn. So here is a test post of words followed by pictures that I may find on the Internet to fit my story.

Landing the job- During the grueling 5 day interview process I kept as calm as a trained surgeon, cool as a cucumber, and as chilled out as a fat college girl on her 4th bong hit. I made several visual presentations and exhibits to show how I can perform quickly under pressure, and I chose the most professional art media for my presentation...a collage of magazine cut out's of guys who looked really well dressed and handsome. As amazing as this was, they said I should have just brought my resume like they requested. Strike one...

I thought it turned out pretty tight

Key points- Allot of people make the common mistake of breaking down and admitting their faults in the interview process, but not me. I showed time logs of never being late, rave reviews from previous employers, and I did not mention that I wash my hair with apple cider vinegar to get rid of my dandruff. I did however recently run out of vinegar, thus flaking all over a box of black t shirts in the stock room and blaming it on the kid from Laos that doesn't speak English...sorry Yang Yee.

It's my only vice.

Drug testing- I did not do so hot on this portion of the interview process, what can I say, sometimes a guys gotta hit the mask 5 times a day.

My other vice

Mission accomplished- In the end I got the job and I'm doing great. I called out my first couple days due to a nasty case of pink eye and ringworm but other then that I think they really like working with and around my discus ting open sored body. They also have a vending machine there that specifically caters to mountain dew lovers, which I'm so down for now. Here are a few of the Delicious flavors they offer

Voltage and revolution were Delicious but supernova

was in a league of its own.

One Love,

Cpt. FH

The top 5 reasons for excusing Yabo's behavior

2009-06-11T05:21:00.000-07:00

I Recently went on a week long trip to SF where I ran into a close friend of mine, Yabo. He's also told me he's heading to NYC next month to come see his parents and maybe me so I thought' I'd give some pointers on dealing with Yabo for novices in the big apple.With such an accomplished partyer as himself there needs to be a set outline on one liners the party thrower may hear. So, here is the farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com's the top 5 reasons for excusing Yabo's behavior...

1. "Sorry for Partying"-A Yabo staple, this line in itself could arguably sum up this man. It establishes dominance in the situation and evokes sympathy for him at the same time. Whether your trying to block him from jumping down your stairs into your grandparents antiques or begging him to stop putting his testicles on everything, this one liner is gonna leave an amateur party thrower dead in his tracks.

2. "Don't be that dude that gets bummed because I_______"-Another classic from this party animal will have you speechless if unprepared. The reason this line is so dangerous is that it will immediately grab support from his drunken peers that only hear a confrontation involving a friend and you, who is now "THAT dude". The blank is usually filled with "farted on you" or "had a naked hot sauce fight".

3. "Whatever _____, you used to be down"-This line is usually a distraction method in which he uses when something way more sinister is happening in the party you left unattended to deal with the matter at hand. At this stage in the night if this line is used then I'm assuming frozen foods have been stolen or under aged kids have entered your house/dorm room.

4. "Am I blowing it"?- This line is thrown out there right after something horrible has happened. The answer to this question is almost always Yes, but the fact that he would even ask it throws people off and kind of makes them think he kind of apologized which gives him 10-15 more minutes of solid partying.

5. "Up all night, creek all day"-A classic spoof on Slaughter's "up all night, sleep all day". This is Screamed repeatedly by Yabo and his peers and at this point shirts are off and depending on the night pants may be off as well. The origins of this battle cry are derived from Boulder Colorado's boulder creek, a party haven for Yabo who's spent countless summer days drinking in it's cool and refreshing waters.

another contest update...so, yeah I'm like out of funny ideas

2009-06-07T21:06:00.001-07:00

I had the pleasure of going to the "Back to the Banks" contest the other day and it was like a reunion fest 09 repeat all over again, but way more local and cooler. I ran into a few familiar faces and even rekindled a few lost friendships. So here's my recap of the most interesting thing that's taken place at the Brooklyn banks since last year...

I was feeling a little home sick after my return from SF and not seeing all my friends anymore but then suddenly forgot all about them when Zayn showed up at my door. Zayn is like all of my other friends except he's way funnier and an accomplished thief.

Apparently Zayn didn't find the humor in being

in a picture with his friend Joe under the Mcdonalds

ad that says "the new IT couple".

This is Zayn's under aged friend Joe, I wasn't

surprised by the same old antics of Zayn bringing

minors to my house but the new twist on this old

favorite is that this time this one had a duel case

of pink eye and the flue and pussed all over my pillow.

After collecting a hefty amount of I.O.U.'s from Zayn's eating rampage we finally made it to the contest. Joe seemed pretty excited to see all the pro's out there, but was quickly disappointed when I let him know he was just mixing up important people with local losers because of the thick film he had over his eyes. That's when we started seeing all the action!

I saw Brooks standing on this ledge

and approached him to say "hello" but

he kept saying he didn't remember who

I was, I tried to explain but then he flat

out just ignored me.

Reda also ignored me...

But then I ran into Brownlee who was

hyped to see me, which was cool.

I couldn't really see anything going on in the actual contest and decided to just keep wondering around running into people I know or admire. Peter was around somewhere, I think he was on a mission to wash his hands or something...or get sushi. But just when I was worrying about peter, a nobody, Zayn and I ran into a real somebody...

The muska showed up on his bike and

immediately started killing it...well, he

took a bunch of pictures and stuff

He was even nice enough to take a picture

with Zayn.

It was really hard to get a view from where we

were, and Zayn was getting pretty fed up and

cranky.

But Zayn always has a few tricks

up his sleeve

And as quickly as the contest entered my life, it left. Zayn snacked on my food and Joe continued to eject pink eye fluid all over my house. It was hard saying goodbye to them, but the next day they left back to DC on the china town bus...I was alittle worried about Zayn's young friend Joe because of him becoming legally blind and the over all grotesque appearance of his face but I got some muchers from dunken doughnuts and quickly forgot about Joe's horrifying eye's. Get well soon Joe!

Living in the Bay is like a MotherF@#$ing Zoo...a recap

2009-06-02T04:36:00.000-07:00

I just got back from my big adventure across the country to San Fransico, New York's gay cousin, to meet up with 15 guys and exercise all day and then sleep in the same smelly room at night. On a more serious note, I would like to thank Damon and Laurant for letting 15 plus degenerates sleep in their house and bum out their roommates, and wish them all the best of luck in trying to rid the smell of feet from their carpet.

The day I got in I was informed that Peter Goldberg had left after one day due to a cold, which shocked nobody and inevitably lead to an ongoing inside joke throughout the trip. Get well soon Peter, don't become another man in 2009 to die from the common cold...

Since Peter left after only a day, I didn't

get the chance to see him or take a picture

of him, So here is a picture of Canyon

drinking a "Chai Latte" which is equally

as embarrassing as Peter leaving.

The Next day we all headed out to Wallenberg high school at 10 in the morning for the contest that thrasher magazine put on, for those of you who don't know what thrasher magazine is just picture farthumorquarterlyzine but not funny and only about skateboarding. Since nobody in the crew had been up before noon in over 3 years we didn't know what to drink to wake up.

Mike told me he stopped smoking weed

after he saw me all high the night before, but

he did start drinking gin in the mornings...

Then I decided that he probably stretched the

truth about the whole not getting high thing

as you can see in what used to be his eyes...

Oh yeah, these guys were there too...

This was going to be a picture of someone pulling

off an amazing move at the contest, but after reviewing

my pictures I quickly realized I just took a bunch of Mike

so here he is again.

After the contest we were all really buzzed off of the thrill of seeing history, and all booze we drank so we headed out to get breakfast. Most of the guys went to some stupid diner but Yabo and I decided the best thing to do for our bodies was to start day 1 of our new Popeyes diet. Popeyes was delicious, but it turns out that it isn't very good for you and I felt really out of shape. I still feel like garbage actually.

As you can see in this picture,

Yabo is an extremely health

conscious sober guy.

The next couple nights were pretty epic and involved tandem hill bombs outside the karaoke bar into prostitutes, Diner fights that ruined long time friendships, Jari getting stoned,buying fake cocaine off of a guy named "hustle Jamie"(who'da thought he would sell baby powder to underaged kids with a name like that), Shwilly wondering why the girl he made out with at the bar wouldn't call him back, Shwilly talking about that girl, Shwilly pissing me off talking about that girl, Jari getting stoned,Tinez doing something sketchy all trip long, drawing portraits of loose mom's at the bar, and Damon regretting the moment when he agreed to let "some of us" stay at his house for a few nights which led to 15 man children taking over his apartment.

I'm kind of an artist now.

I of course do not have photo's of all the amazing moments that took place throughout the rest of that amazing trip, but the memories will last for at least a couple days. And that is the end of friendship fest 09 and probably the last time we will all see each other before we get a girl pregnant or go to jail.

like every young man has a dream, I do too...

2009-05-22T22:24:00.000-07:00

So it's been about 2 weeks give or take since my last post, which wasn't a hit in case you were wondering, and I've been doing allot of thinking about what i want to do with my life. Do I want to go to school to pursue my dreams of becoming a writer for butt clap magazine, do I invest in Magiccorp, the company that makes the fake vomit i spend most of my money on, or do I just break down and apply for a job at the local bodega? Well, if you guessed any of those your wrong and your probably maybe right. So with out further A-DO here is what I'm hoping will be the future of my already star studded life....

I've recently decided to become the founder and head key master of my own cult, having followers tend to my every wish and desire while leading them into levels of fun and friendship that most men dare not dream of. "The Seth is Cool" cult has been a work in progress for the last 20 plus years as I quickly realized that I probably will not end up getting into college like most of my friends and peers.

Long time acquaintance's Jake and Mike enjoying the

perks of pursuing and education thus weaving their

way into social circles I will never understand.

I know what your all thinking, "what is the dress code for your cult and how soon can I be inducted". First things first, I got the uniforms ready and I think you guys are really gonna like em. Allot of cults in the past have kept things awkward by making everybody dress in bland track suits and drink jungle juice before bed, but not me, I care for my society.

You'll be sure to check out Slave 1 in his

boys cut classic, novelty funny glasses paired

with a short sleeve casual, bottomed with classic

raspberry sweatpants and topped off with some

Birkenstocks. For the women I've kept it simple

with a nice wig, prosthetic lips crowning a elegant

coconut bra, finalleyed with a fishnet guarder belt

combo.

Tired of most cults so called Punch,

We've got pre poisoned Surge for your

connivance.

As the Gatekeeper and key master/president and founder I needed a to find a palace where we could all live our controlled lives without the police and other do gooders bothering us. That's why Im excited to present to you what you could be living in if your willing to join my society, and if I can get around the laws of physics, which I'm sure you'll be saying "all right"!

*artist rendition-suspended in the clouds is the Seth Rules

palace, a haven for fun and friendship where dreams

become fairytales, all floating atop a pit of fire and

paper cuts if you so choose to leave the confines.

"Wow" is probably what's coming out of your thrilled mouths right now but try to contain your joy because guess what...if you call right now I'm willing to include a free t shirt that comes with every induction certificate in the next twenty minutes. Where it in the dungeon, show it off while cheering at the daily witch burnings, the choice is yours when you call in the next 15 minutes!!!

"I have never been so happy before

I joined the "Seth Rules" cult... before...

Thank You Farthumorquarterlyzine.-

blogspot.com for all you've done for me"

-Nicholas Nack

satisified cult follower

Bronx, NY

So there it is everybody, if your not ready to drop off communication with not only the outside world but with your immediate family and loved ones then this may not be for you...but for you who love thrills, adrenaline rushes and the occasional drugging and constant molesting then contact the good people at Farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com...man, thats a long URL, and let the fun touch you everywhere.

"Last Niiiiiiiggggghhhhhtttttt"

2009-05-10T23:33:00.000-07:00

Things have been pretty out of control here at the farthumorquarterly compound and I've been swamped with the blogging, the tech decking and especially the china express take out. And through all this chaos and stress of my day to day routine I forgot about one important thing....going out to bars with friends and completely blowing it. So I've decided to clear some things up on what happened with me and the strokes last night.

I arrived at the Royal Oak tavern well into my 2nd beer so I was already pretty intoxicated. The night proceeded as usual, Peter talked art with a stranger, Evan and Pedro were giggling in a corner, I wrote farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com on every pint glass I saw with a paint pen and then all of the sudden Peter approaches me with glee and excitement. "Don't freak out" he whispers at me with his hand over his mouth, "But that's the bassist of THE STROKES". This is no Randy Rhoades were talking about here, this is some guy with a monk haircut and a velvet sash.

For those of you who are not currently residing

in Williamsburg Brooklyn, picking this man out

of a crowd is like finding a vintage needle in a

haystack.

In a drunken blurr I made a split second decision...I was going to approach this guy. With the blessings of none of my friends I darted towards the man who at this point was visibly uncomfortable. "Hey you! I have to tell you about this guy that changed my life" I said. His cool confident demeanor was suddenly a frown and he looked up and said "do I know you"? I slowly went into how his music changed my life, steered me on a path of good and sobriety and how I carved his name into my arms with a compass from algebra class. "Do you even know my name" he said? Panicked I calmly answered "probably". The group of Hip librarian girls looked at me with horror and a "he's not vegan" look...

If you look close enough you can see how

bummed the girl in the background is, and if you

look even closer you can see she's chosen to be

a lesbian until graduation, shock value!!!

So after my Chirs farley Esq rant, I left him with a "god bless", fittingly, and was on my way to bigger and more important things...I.E. getting high and egging chicks from my roof. I also wrote a farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com on his wine glass so hopefully he see's this and gets the humor that I saw in interrupting his chance at the worlds most indy threesome.

Completely not stoned, I began part

one of my long series of lectures about

my plans of the booger circus...

until next time this captain fart humor signing off, wishing you all the best in your future efforts in bumming out handsome and talented has beens.

If you can't beat them, copy them

2009-05-08T06:23:00.000-07:00

The stress of my modern work place has left me both tired and depressed as of late until yesterday at noon, while I was sniffing paint on my roof, I had an opifuny. I had a vision of starting a zine, whether or not this vision had anything to do with Partygay.blogspot.com's recent realse of a zine or the mind altering affects of the paint fumes I couldn't tell you because I was pretty chiefed at the time. But none the less I got to work and began my planning on how to turn a modertly funny blog on the internet into a zine that asshole wierdo's will judge at coffee shops.

Planning and graphing: I can honestly say I don't know anything about making or creating anything really, I barley know enough about dot coms to fandangle my way with a post once a week. I do however know how to make a ven diagram. The ven diagram is truely the ying yang of graphs, morphing together dank ideas for a chill result.

It took 2 hours, but it was totally worth it

Multiple problems were blocking my 24 hour dream of having my own zine. Unlike partygay I am a one man staff, a lone ranger, the solo amigo. Funding was gonna be a huge componet if I wanted to get anywhere with this future waste of time. So I've decided to propuse an offer with a young man, who shall remain nameless, who lives on 63 and 1st and lives in a pyscho loft scattered with beanies and perogie shells, mother with a "how to sponsor a nice young boy with a dream" business offer.

I'll have to transform from a young doofus...

...into one of the family

Trial and error: So after 5 call out's from work, countless nights of little to no sleep and a corn on my toe I did it. Nothing could stop me now, not west nile virus, not killer bees nor craddle cap. All the hard work paid off and I am proud to present the official cover of the Farthumorquarterly's first ever zine! This cover will be presented to Ms. Goldberg as a token of my dedication to creating a better toilet read.

After countless rough drafts, the staff

concluded that this was the perfect

cover for the zine.

So I began work on recreating 200 copies of the cover, still with no ideas for stories to fill the zine with. I also quickly realized this would have to be done by hand and inlisted help from a young woman who I consider to be my right hand man. So whether you want to view this as wacky, funny or horrible every other cover is gonna be in different hand writing, but you can barley tell the differance anyway ....

Hard to spot, but this is one of the remakes

done by Lace T.

So there you have it America, my pledge to bring you a zine has been set by the date of eventually where laughter will meet paper. I'd like to thank my future sponsor Ms. Goldberg and the rest of my fans and followers, but I would not like to thank my boss who is a huge bitch and a buzzkill.

Top 5 ways to avoid swine Flu...

2009-05-05T04:36:00.000-07:00

Fear has been struck in the heart of every American, not of war and not of famine but of something a little more sinister...pork. With news reports saying you shouldn't even leave your house or have anything to live for, the nation is scared. But what the Pig flu and most everybody else didn't count on is that I still have a blog that I update sometimes, and that I also have plenty of top 5 ideas. So put away your dooms day kit and take a gander at a farters way to avoid the swine flu.

1. Ditch your pig friends- For years these rambunctious little ragamuffins have been rolling in mud and being all un-kosher and it looks like it finally caught up with them. Frankly, its over due in my opinion. Trust me, I know it can be hard just kicking your best buddy to the curb but in these hard times you can't be seen with these guys. We've been slaughtering and eating these guys for years and this is the thanks we get? They had their chance, they blew it.

Just to be safe, I threw away my copy of Charlottes web

2. Stay away from mexicans- I've been doing this for years now, but some of you are still in close personal contact with these guys. Don't get me wrong, I love George but I'm not gonna risk waking up one morning with a snout and a wiggly tail squealing "I shoulda stayed away from Blank" as I slowly animorph into a pig. These are hard times and you gotta kill or slowly watch yourself get the pig flu and painfully transform before your eyes.

George is with out a doubt infected with this Flu

and will soon boast his new pink skin while eating

from his favorite troff

3. Masks- Now, I've been seeing people in these surgical masks around on the subway and on the streets and I think they look ridiculous and are a little over the top. Frankly, these masks look lame, so I've been wearing my old Halloween mask around and it looks way cooler. Not only am I safe from the harmful bubonic pork air, but I'm also getting getting free candy daily from the local corner store who's owner may or may not think I'm mentally handicapped.

Flu me not you devil'd ham you!

4. Public transportation- Joe Biden has told his family to avoid planes and public transportation, where as I have told my family to take nothing but planes and public transportation. I've been getting on subway cars to go a couple blocks, licking bus poles, ingesting peoples sneezes, and going to elementary schools daily all in hopes of getting this illness. My logic is once I get this flu it will be so bad that I will immediately grow immune to it and everything else on this planet which inevitably will make me immortal.

I too will grow immortal, the only

question is if I will gain any souls in

the process while I decapitate people

like highlander.

5. Relaxation- Being sick is almost always involved intimately and dangerously with stress. Stress is the anti chill and I can't deal with that right now. So, I've taken an extended to permanent vacation from work to clear my head of all this pork swine and flu sick talk I've been hearing latley and do a little more in my robe constantly snacking talk. Call me a worry wart but I can't risk losing this bod and this head upon my shoulders anytime soon. I suggest you all take a massive amount of time off from work as well.

Much like the cat pictured above, I too will be relaxing

in a tree, but on my couch and not as gay looking.

Movie Reviews: one man's look into anothers man's heart

2009-05-03T23:28:00.000-07:00

It's been raining on and off for what seems like the past 3 years in Brooklyn so I decided to go and surprise my gf at school at take her out. Here's a recap of our date and a review of 2 of the 12 movies I watched yesterday as I slowly rotted away...

The date-After picking up my gf from Bushwick middle school, she swiped me in on her student metro card and we headed to time square for a day date. We started off the date as I would any date, and headed straight to Michael Jordan's steak house located in the heart of NYC at grand Central station. Like a gentlemen I ordered for the two of us while she was in the lobby trying to win some bear or a stuffed toad in the claw machine, but was shot down when upon her return she informed me she's allergic to shell fish which left me with two orders of the slam dunk crab cakes. Ultimately, I stole her some big novelty pretzel outside the theatre after we dine and dashed the hell out of MJ's steak house.

The slam dunk crab cakes were really good.

Film 1: Tyson- Going into this movie I knew only that this was about boxing and some guy, and by those standards it was a success. A roller coaster of emotions, Tyson will have you both laughing and laughing harder while others in the theatre are crying. I recommend you sit in the middle of the theatre as to get a good view of the entire screen, and to be sure you get your snacks well before show time. There is a heartfelt scene towards the end of the film that showcases home videos of Tyson lovingly playing with his children, which completely convinced me of this face tattooed mans sanity. I give the film 3 stars, one star for staying true to the streets, another star for keeping it real and yet another star for its sex appeal. One star was taken away though because I stepped in gum.

Film 2: Ernest goes to Africa- I watched this film with big expectations after seeing Ernest goes to camp and Ernest goes to Halloween and was tragically let down. A shadow of what he was, Ernest threw his whole career away with his school yard antics and his lust for adventure. This film explores a man's journey to Africa through the eyes of a mad man, tons of new friends and enemies are met on the way too. The final film in the beloved Ernest P. Worrel series will leave you wanting more but you can't. He died shortly after the making of this film, of what I believe to be a broken heart. 1997 was not a good year for Ernest, so I'll just pretend this movie never happaned.

RIP Ernest P. Worrell

The official 2009 hunt for the Jersey devil!

2009-04-30T21:04:00.000-07:00

The date has been set for June 6th, 2009 to embark on a two day excursion to the scenic New Jersey Pine Barrens in search of the famed creature "the Jersey devil". hundreds of spotting's have been recorded over the course of the past 100 plus years, but this time we will spot the creature while were under the influence of hallucinogenics, beer and friends. Our intentions, though purely scientific, may come across as a threat to this great beast. That's why amongst all of our other possessions, we've packed multiple "we come in peace" picket signs, along with dozens of assorted snacks and soft drinks.

Were also gonna have smores.

For those of you that are not familiar with the Jersey devil, he is truly an exciting creature. If all goes according to plan, on June 9 I will have a two page interview with the devil posted on Farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com complete with everything from how he was spawned to his secret blueberry apple turnover recipe that'll have you saying "that's SINFULLY sweet"! Truly not for the faint of heart, or a diabetic.

An artists rendition of the famed Devil, and after seeing

this painting I am with out a doubt convinced of this

far fetched animals existence.

The beast may brutally and unforgivingly devour

your lifeless body until your awakened in an eternal

nightmare, but you'll find yourself asking for seconds

and even thirds of his famous blueberry apple

turnovers.

So until then this is captain fart humor wishing you a great Friday and encouraging you to find your own mythical creature in your neck of the woods and get great recipes along with stories you'll be telling you grand kids for many minutes upon hours.

Words of wisdom...

2009-04-30T20:44:00.000-07:00

Now there's been alot of rumors going around by certian other bloggers saying "Seth's got writers block" or "Seth's fat" or "Seth's drunk" and I just wanted to let everbody know publicly that I do not suffer from anything of mine being blocked by fat, except maybe my heart. Now if your still skeptical, well come on here, I mean I sit here day after day busting my ass to make posts to entertain friends thousads of miles away for little to no respect or a "good job" on facebook, what am I a fucking clown for your entertainment? I circus act for you? You expect a fucking sitcom everytime you log onto farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com? Anywho, my mom wanted to set the table straight with these words...

"Seth does not have writah's block and is a
very handsome boy".

Valerie Powers
"my son rocks"
Denver, Co
Via email

Activity review: laundry day

2009-04-29T09:57:00.000-07:00

I've been giving alot back to the community and youth latley and I decided I need to do something for myself, endulge in decidentcies. So I decided to treat myself to some clean threads.

Laundry day is a scary place, feared by many and loved by nobody, I tackled this chore the same way I tackle all enemies...with force and text book accuracy. Though nervous, I gathered my clothes and my bottle of detergent and made the 2 block trek down to the local washery.

Laundry day is an excellent excuse to wear shorts, and shorts are great if you happen to find a pool to swim in on the way to do laundry, but other then that shorts suck.

I'd hate to run into these guys in a dark alley, but I knew I'd need to stick it in em to get the job done.

Time ellapsed slowly while waiting for the washer, my mind was wandering and the locals were suspect. I calmly kept my cool under pressure, and while they kept yelling "white devil" at me I just sat there and continued poking them with my trident and dancing around my pool of lava and fire.

Finally after what seemd like forever, it was time to dry these bitches. I got my pick of the litter and claimed the best dryer, large but not too large, cool but not cocky, this dryer was perfect.

Dexter was a powerfull man, but he purrrred like a kitten after a few dryer sheets. Oh dexter, you softie.

The last and final step was the folding. Lets just say I had that one covered...

Pretty maids all in a row, I folded the hell out of those clothes. And as quickly as I had entered the laudry dungeon as a scared young boy, but I left a man who could now do a woman's chores.

Christmas in May: the gift of ridding

2009-04-29T09:13:00.000-07:00

Seeing as it is a couple days from May, I decided it was just about time to get rid of that pesky christmas tree I had in my room. Besides the fact it was attracting wild life and was starting to rot, I wanted to bring some Yule time cheer to the Bushwick area.

At exactly 1 am I mustered my courage and simply gave the camera a one finger salute before decking my apartment buildings halls with balls of holly.

I live on the fourth floor of my building, so carreying this tree down to the street was a sure to be eight crazy nights of fun. But like a bad santa I was sure this would end up being a great christmas story later, or was it a nightmare before christmas? Stuff you stocking with that...

exibiting brute strength in ridding my house of Christmast past

around this point of the mission I really wished that I was jewish and only had to throw away a stupid minora, but carrying on with the strength of 5 baby Jesus's to keep me on the right track.

Besides leaving a trail of mini branches leading to my doorway,which later got me busted, the mission was a success. So I decided to celebrate with a well deserved smoke break. And what better way to smoke then with Camels Light blend, turkish domestic bold body and the smoothness you expect from Camel. Camel lights, a man's smoke.

Joey and I enoying that trademarked kickass soothe

farthumorquarterlyzine.funnyspot.com's guide to blogging

2009-04-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling better after my punch to the cranium and I'm ready to share my thoughts with my three followers of this mediocre blog. I get allot of questions(mainly from a certain Asian pie who shall remain nameless) asking "Hey Seth, your hilarious and awesome...wanna be my best friend and teach me how to blog"? The answer is simple...YES. So here are a few tips I can give my followers that I've learned from my 15 seconds of Internet blogging fame.

1.Stalling- This is a crucial step in any novice wanna be blogger successor. Good ideas don't just come to you out of thin air, you gotta sit and ponder that shit. When you think you got a funny idea, stall and do everything else you gotta take care of around the house to avoid updating the blog. Trust me, I know from experience man.

2. Hype- Anybody who's an everybody is a hype man. You think random joe schmos are gonna read your blog based on literary genius alone? No, you gotta talk about your blog non stop and update your facebook status with stuff like "CHECK THIS OUT!" or "I FUCKING LOL'D AT....". Before you know it your gonna have all kinds of assholes writing you saying "man I literally lol"d

at your last post, even if it totally sucked.

Bombard your friends status updates with your face and a brief message.

3. Make fun of your friends- Sure you love them and you wanna spend countless nights gushing out your every secret and desire with them but when you need to entertain a crowd you gotta roast the fuck out of one of your friends in order to make the rest laugh. Sure you'll receive a couple of hateful texts and a couple of broken hearts but in the long run you'll look back and say "god BLANK was so gay for getting all offended and stuff".

Look at me I'm Clay Im sexy, pshh what is he even doing here?

4. Obscure movie references and kooky words- Whenever the opportunity arises to bring up a movie that completely sucked but everybody has watched and not talked about for years, bring it up. "This is worst then the time I watched Dunston checks in" or "How's the booger circus working out". References like these will not only let people know your retro, but they'll also let everybody know your witty er and more kooky then them.

Bringing up movies such as "dunston checks in" is sure to bring laughs.

5. Paying off friends- In today's generation of kids watching "the office" and "cribs", their humor glands have a more(or less) sophisticated pallet. That's why more importantly then all other steps you need to bribe the grape vine. Soon enough everybody will be buzzing about what's so funny over at exampleblog.madeupetc.fart.

6.Where is the love- take a second to just think about how groovy it'd be if we could all get together and live in peace as one, a joined unit under one truth to be held self evident...this was a fake step, the real step is you need to let everyone know you smoke marijuana. Mike katz smokes marijuana and writes hit blog posts, what have you ever done?

A buzzed Katz "getting the Led out"

Lets make some justice cake, with punishment frosting

2009-04-19T09:43:00.000-07:00

As I drunkinly stumbled out of the G train station near broadway last night, and I successfully purchased my sweet and sour chicken with garlic sauce combo plate, I was blissfully unaware of what sinister act would follow. I skated, well i wouldn't call it skateing...more like coasting at a low low speed for an extended amount of time, past a night club where a big man bothered me about trying my skateboard. My hand's were full, I had the remainders of a 12 pack in one hand and a bag of chinese food in the other, the man did what any kind hearted citizen would do...he punched me in the temple. This giant mongaloid mutant looking man punched me in the head, and it really hurt. So, I drew this sketch up to help any of my friends in the NYC area steer clear of this feather ruffler.

A black/hispanic/possible alien from outer space, man who's whereabouts are somewhere in NYC, about 5'5-6'2 who weighs alot, wearing clothing that was from what I remember "baggy and either navy colored or some sort of brownish black". It's a long shot but I think this discription just might be enough to get this guy.

If you run into a black or hispanic man in NYC who asks you any sort of question involving my skateboard in any way my suggestion would be to call the authourities or be a hero and capture him.

Lets clean up these streets and remember were all cut from the same cloth, God's color blind cloth of friendship.

Peace, one love,

Giving back to the children or young adults with skill...

2009-04-16T05:32:00.000-07:00

News travels fast in NYC, approximately 2X faster then other places that aren't NYC. So when I was approached by Billy Rohan to sponsor and spice up his King of Spring skateboard show, it was a no brainer...I would, for a price. After giving me complete "artistic freedom" and more importantly when the parks and recreation department gave me the $3,000 grand prize money to come up with an even cooler, more even funner grand prize with a little more heart and zing I came up with this...

The super secret grand prize for this years King of Spring contest will be a 2 night mandatory slumber party at the farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com 1 bedroom, 1 bath shared mansion!

The fun starts right when you walk through the door, and you see where you'll be resting your head in our kitchen that's been completely transformed into a 5 star lodging experience.

No need to bring a sleeping bag, we got you covered in our luxurious cotton guest blanket.

Free continental breakfast served every morning from one of the area's finest dining establishments. Not bad eh?

Complete freedom to explore the confines, no scratch that, the compound of the farthumor mansion where you"ll be spending the next 48 hours in our 5 star lock down.

Bathroom tokens will be received upon good behavior, and relieving yourself has never be so easy in our "urban" themed communal bathroom space.

*fabreeze available but not pictured

Just when you thought you'd had enough, you'll be begging for mercy when our special guests arrive. Who are these two men joining you in your already cramped quarters, hmmm I don't know...only the Clay kessack and Peter Wiener who were featured on the blog, here for a special meet and greet.

The Clay Pie was thrilled to be in on

my meet and greet, thumbs up!

Peter hasn't exactly agreed about joining

in for the slumber party, but I'm

assuming he has no plans from now until

April 20 when the winner is announced.

So I broke into my Girlfriends work email...

2009-04-13T20:24:00.000-07:00

and I found this email in Laces computer. Knowing the seriousness of this email, I was so scare.

Product Review: Clay Kessack's friendship

2009-04-12T20:28:00.000-07:00

When I first got this product in my life, I would have given it five stars with a life time warranty of Laughs, good times, and lots of pillow talk. But ever since they started selling these items in NYC, my beloved Clay has had major deffects. Here's a few things that I've pin pointed so maybe you can contact your local manufacturer about your Clay Kessack.

1. Shortly after I got my Clay Kessack I noticed it had a need to start tagging all of the sudden. In the manuel though, it stated "your Kessack may adapt to new trends and gimmicks that become popular at time of purchase", so naturally I just let it slide. When I brought my kessack to NY however I was unaware that it would start "beat boxing". This concerned me...

Kessack acting out in the form of "beat boxing"

2. My Clay has been disobediant in other areas too. When I took my Clay out for a fun packed day of joy in Williamsburg, which normally he would love with the thrift and toy stores and all, he refused taking a playfull Myspace.com photo with me. This had me concerned, seeing as I wanted to show this photo off to my 246 online friends....do you think they want to see this?

Right when I clicked the capture button on my camera phone, My Clay covered his face! : (

3. I was excited to take the Colorado based product to a local skate spot, but when we arrived there he seemed irritable and adjitated. What followed was the Kessack snaked me on a front board, this had me very very upset as you can tell by my hand gestures in the photo below.

I couldn't believe my eyes

4. I looked through the manuel about 3 times and came across nothing coming close to my next problem with the Kessack, the sudden name change. I've been calling my product "Clay Kessack" for years now and then out of the blue he starts referring to himself as "the Clay pie". I specifically told the salesman I wanted nothing to do with a product that refers to himself in the third pastry.

You can let the "Clay pie" sit on the window sill for as long as you like, but this pie is still gonna have a piping hot attitude while joining you for a stroll through the park.

5. I like my purchased chums to have a low maintance factor, but since the move to NYC my Clay has needed major accesories purchases. From loafers to anklets, the Clay has cost me a pretty penny in these hard times.

Clay sporting a costly set of italian dress shoes that he demanded from me. "I don't wear skate shoes out to the bar". This cost me to sacrafice multiple personal possesions, one being my magic set.

6.The last straw. A couple nights ago all the malfunctions culminated into my precious Clay ditching me for another. I begged and pleaded, but at the end I had to act like an adult and wish my Clay the best. I think I did the more mature thing.

Though I was deeply saddened, I had to let the Clay know that he's welcome back anytime and that he holds a place in my heart. I waved him off and he was on his way.

Wishin' you a wicked easter sunday...

2009-04-12T10:01:00.000-07:00

Meet our founder and C.E.O...

2009-04-10T22:59:00.001-07:00

I sat down with the C.E.O of farthumorquarterly to ask a few questions on how he came up with the idea for the blog, as well as to to ask him why he used to dress they way he did. So here he is ladies and gentlemen...(just guys I'm assuming)

interview by Ray Pissed

RP-Hi Seth. What can you tell me about this first photo here?

Seth-Oh, wow..well, I was going to a birthday party and the theme was "regrets". Maybe that wasn't the theme though cause i don't regret this. Anywho, the theme isn't important. What is important is that I was having a blast at a birthday bash.

RP-Birthday bash? How mature...the theme is indeed not important. What is important is what is on your head?

Seth-At one point I considered it an acceptable hair style.

RP-you looked like if Judah friedlander was a lesbian, did you learn your lesson?

Seth-no it actually got worse at one point. These questions are pretty harsh by the way...

RP-There stern...but fair

Seth-further down the line a friend of mine said I looked like barf from spaceballs, so that tells you the state I was in.

RP-(rolling on floor laughing) (ROFLing if you will). How did you get the idea for the blog? Do you think your first couple of posts were flukes and the rest are gonna bomb? I do...

Seth-I've always loved farts and telling jokes. The blog is more about "my sense of humor", which most people I've come across instatnly hate. That and I stole various ideas from others

(yells at someone in distance to get him toilet paper, becomes obvious he's taking a shit while we speak)

RP-Life must be good for a guy when the highlights of his day are going out to play and then coming home to update his blog about farts.

Seth-Hey, it pays the bills

RP-No it doesn't

Seth-yeah, your right...it does not

Seth-Hello? Hello? I dropped the phone...

RP-ok, what exactly was going on in this photo? You have very nice legs by the way, like glue sticks with hair.

Seth-I, like most guys my age and hetero sexual preference, went through a daisy duke phase. It's really not a big deal.

RP- I see...Do you think you could sit any more effeminitley? Your hair was "barf" esque.

Seth-Besides if I ever were to have sex with a dude, this photo is the gayest thing I've ever done. So I guess I do have one regret about this era in my life...I should not have hung out at meta so much.

RP-exactly how many braclets were you wearing at your peak? How did your "colorado friends" still hang out with you?

Seth-I had like 10 on each arm at one point. I think they had faith that one day I'd change...and they liked making fun of me. (giggling in back round, Seth begins talking like woody allen and insists that it's now his mother on the phone...more giggling)

RP-Yes, you had me fooled. Thank you for doing this interview with me over the phone Seth, it was "fun". Who would you like to thank?

Seth-(Sighs) well, thanks for fucking that up. Thanks are for pussies, here's my sponsors:

Austin's treasure chest pt.1

2009-04-10T09:58:00.001-07:00

My friend Austin gave a strange child candy late one night at the theatre he works at. A year and a half later he recieved this letter from a very, very, very, very, very, very sorry boy...

IN YOUR FACE! with Joe Somar...

2009-04-10T09:45:00.000-07:00

Joe is in the process of sending me his contributions for the blog, so until then here are some pictures of what Joe's been up to...

Joe got really inspired by all the DIY tattoo pics he's been seeing around latley so he decided to take a stab at one himself, sweet tatt dude!

"I really am depressed"...oh Joe, you so crazy!

Yet more troubling news...

2009-04-08T21:16:00.000-07:00

I found this taped to a bike with no brakes, I hope he's ok...

I'm ya motha...

2009-04-07T21:32:00.001-07:00

My mother, god bless her, was nice enough to share with me how to make money in these tough economic times. Enjoy...

BEHIND THE PARTY-making a sinner out of a saint

2009-04-06T18:30:00.000-07:00

Meet 21 yr old George Perez, an average Boulder, Co college student living on the edge. "I do what I want and right now I want to Party"? explains George. We got the tip on young Georgie from concerned family members and close personal friends. "He's a loose cannon" says Ryan Simpson, a sophomore at C.U. in Boulder. "I'm worried about what's gonna happen to him when he finally go's too far, and unfortunately that could be soon" says Simpson. George briefly described how he got into the local party scene. "I was just a natural" George says with a smile going across his olive colored face skin. "When the shirts are off, I'm on".

Perez diving right into a bottle of Tequila from his native Mexico

George quickly replaced studying and church volunteer work with habits that were alittle darker. "drinking, skateboarding on school nights, cigs...I did it all man". Friends and family seemed baffled to recall how this could have happened. "I don't know what I did wrong" says George's mother Martha Perez. "My main concern is that Georgie is going to end up in a ditch somewhere, somewhere that's not his room".

1.Perez calmly puffs on a cigarette, ignoring numerous heath risks that can occur from smoking. 2. An intoxicated Perez falls to his back while trying to ride his beloved skateboard at a local park.

"Drinking is like an escape for me" explains Perez, "if I don't stop now though I may not have a place to sleep". "He is going to stop this nonsense at once and come home and be a good boy" explains M. Perez. "I'm not gonna have my boy acting like some woman of the night, if he doesn't shape up he's grounded"! Scared of losing his room and video game privileges, George agrees to end binge partying. "I miss wakeing up at the crack of noon and looking forward to a day of good clean fun. I miss my guitar". George, a self proclaimed indy acoustic art genius, has been playing the guitar for about two months and doesn't see stopping anytime soon. "If I have to quit partying with the partygay guys then so be it, I can't stop writing songs that make me happy". "It's the parties and floozies or the guitar and rollerboard" Martha says sternly, "I'm not kidding".

1. George, still hungover from the night prior strums gently at his guitar while he covers Aerosmiths "jaded". 2. George's heart felt plea for help had friend Mike Katz, and everybody else attending, choked up.

Will George straighten his path and fly right? Or will he end up like every other 21 year old boy
drinking PBR's at the local "dive" bar. One thing is for sure, this beautiful angel is not gonna be forgotten anytime soon by relatives and family friends. "I miss the old George, the George that would pick me up from school sober" says Josh Perez, George's younger brother. "In the end it's gonna be ok, even if I have to beat it out him" says Martha lovingly. Shine on you crazy diamond, shine on.

Cling on's...

2009-04-06T12:38:00.000-07:00

Everyone wants a good idea, but usually the ideas of the masses are unoriginal and plain shitty. If you've got mild succsess in whatever it is you've choosen to put time into, there are gonna be unavoidable Cling on's. You know the types, its the "if you ever need any illustrations" or "I used to play the blank" or "I've wrote a few funny stories that you may li...". Here's a couple instances where this has come up amongst friends

Coconut Beach doesn't need a tamborine player, back up vocals or upcoming album art. Leave the talent to the talented people.

Rich, Yabo and Katz are funny people and if they haven't asked you for your ideas and contributions then guess what? Your probably not funny, or maybe you are funny who cares.

*For the record I checked with neither coconut beach nor party gay to see if they were having problems with cling on's, I just assumed that they were and made a post about it because I'm just "that kind of guy". Farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com however would love any contributions you have of poetry, crappy drawings, knock off ideas of mine or others and whatever else you may have to make my blog less appealing.

Ahoy,
Captain fart humor

Top 5 people you don't wanna see at the skatepark...

2009-04-06T12:01:00.000-07:00

Your heading out with all the pal's, you got your beer and or mountain dew two litter, to the local skatepark. What could go wrong? Well believe it or not some people don't want you to have that fun, some people want to "talk", other's wanna sell you dime bags and some just suck. Here is the Top five People you don't wanna see at the skatepark.

1. Creepy Jake- Whether he's telling you to "rub my head for luck" or drilling you on how to deck out frontside rocks, one thing is for sure...he's gonna ruin your session and then treat you to lunch.

2. Uriel- "Have you been to church lately"? "How are you with the lord"? These are all questions I don't wanna hear at the skatepark, or anywhere really. If the endless god babble doesn't break you down, his 2 hour runs through the skatepark will. If he's here, go skate the curb.

3. Natasha and Caylin- A two for one special here. Fella's steer clear, these siren's are not interested in you. After three hours of not skating with your homies and panning out half your beer and cigarette's these two are going home alone, or with Jari. Oh and don't go to Meta either, their already there watching Mindfield.

*Caylin, your my friend...find the humor, don't hate me.

4. Emo Dylan-"Fuck man, what is he doing here"? Yes we all wonder, but Alex has been sleeping at his house for 2 months and eating his food so now he's obligated to bring this nightmare as a tagalong. It gets worse cause when you all pile into Katz's car to go elsewhere he fandangled his way in, now he's sitting bitch texting on his sidekick about hanging with the "1086 fools". It ultimately ends when he's at the party you guys sneak into that night, and long and behold the fresh "1086" tattoo on the knuckles...truly a dangerous lurker.

5. Calvin- An oldie but a goodie, truly a Boulder park legend. From filling his roommate's room with water and sticking a shark in it, to endless tales of conspiracy and sage burning. Some may say "This doesn't really apply, he's been gone for years". Well, think about this, wherever Calvin maybe whether it's dining with god's in Neptune or the steps of Washington, DC one thing is for sure, he's lurking hard and needs a ride to "the hill".

An angsty teen's wet dream...

2009-04-05T09:06:00.000-07:00

This is Joe's self portrait he did a while back. Joe is one of the funniest guy's I know. He once did a real life kool aide man and yelled "oh yeah" and jumped through a wall, breaking his shoulder and a few ribs, at a party.

< "Ohhhhh yeah"

Having your mom on facebook is great....

2009-04-05T08:53:00.000-07:00

I would be embarassed but this isn't half as bad as the stuff she posts on her "myberrics" page.

Remove
Seth Whillam Powers rainy crappy day, god hates my days off
Fri 12:53pm · Comment · Like Unlike · Show Feedback (5)Hide Feedback (5)
You like this.

Ian Sutton at 1:03pm April 3
same shit here

Val Blandini at 7:41pm April 3
Thats ridiculous... We need the moisture for the summer so there isn't a drought.... It will be okay...Isn't there an indoor skate park there? If not maybe you should start the first one....Sethville....25.00 per person and make them sign a release of responsibility upon entering...

Ian Sutton at 8:31pm April 3
yeah, seth. listen to your mom.

Courtney Linderman at 12:41am April 4
haha

Seth Whillam Powers at 1:26pm April 4
that's a great idea, thanks mom

Write a comment...

Top 5 resons why Peter Goldberg can't skate today...

2009-04-05T08:35:00.000-07:00

1. Yachting in the Pacific with mommy dearest.

2.Want's to, but just got his beanie back from the dry cleaners.

3. Dradle practice at 5...

4. Hunting for qual in Westchester with father

5. Applesauce shopping, followed by 23 hours of lurking

Toilet humor at it's worst...

2009-04-01T20:29:00.000-07:00

The sassyness of the text makes up for it's terribleness though

First Post

2009-04-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

First things first, before I can really get into the post's that I've been talking about doing for months I need to get them ready and humorus. So, here are some photos that have been laying around for a bit.

Sassy subway ad's

This mug is from a series of mugs designed to be human organs, this is a kidney

My new Boulder park

he was so cocky when I asked if I could shoot this photo, what a fucking goon

Do they have these anywhere besides the east coast?

Italian's always find an excuse to include a picture of a nude child in their business logo

"pink Hippo plumbing company"

Rubberbands are toys in china town

Sgt. Kabukiman NYPD

This is in the Break room of my work, not sure what it's implying

Metal Silhouette art of a crippled man drinking