Top 10 Shockers of the past year...or from years before last year

With the coming of the new year, actually were well into the new year but I've been really slacking, comes new beginnings and a chance to reflect on the people and events that helped shape the year of 2009. I've created a best of or a "greatest hits" of sorts in order to celebrate and recognize such events and people in the classic top 10 form.

1. Snowboarding is some what excepted -In an attempt to be taken seriously, snowboarding is inducted into the winter Olympics and the games have never been so stoned or neon colored. For the first time in years, the state of Colorado is pushing out Olympic athletes thanks in part to Satellite board shop, which is a change of pace from pushing out free energy drinks, mediocre skateboarding clips and shitty board graphics.

2. Clay keeps growing his hair- Not to be out shined by the snowboarding news, Clay Kessack continues to grow his long locks of hair and holding a place in the record books of "an Asian guy from Colorado with pretty long hair" amongst our group of friends.

3. Peter hits the 500 mark- Peter Goldberg went big in 09 by smashing his previous record of 410 to a whopping 500 hospital visits in 2009 all from illnesses and disorders completely fictional and insane. From having a bad case of the chronic hungries to a serious tummy ache, Peter battled through 2009 with spirit and intensity of an over mothered man child convinced that his own body is working against itself, which ironically enough sounds like he should get checked out.

4. Dr. Stienburg- Thanks to Peters daily trips to his ER room, Dr. Stienburg has finally saved up enough money to buy that Island he always wanted made completely of gold and diamonds.

5. Katz visits NYC- In what had been rumored many times before, Mike Katz flew not to New Jersey to sit around watching tv but actually straight through to NYC to hangout with friends and drink at bars that are not on Pearl street. When asked about the trip he replied that he had an "ok" time.

6. Rich Duff's his way into 2010- In what's become an on going joke, friends of Rich have come up with the term "Duffing" to describe Rich's behavior. When asked about the new term Rich reportedly ignored the interviewer.

7. RIP Alex Haskin 1989-2006, hello Mcshwilly-In the course of three years Alex or "Mcshwilly" has ran away from home, train hopped to every crappy town in the us, gained 94 pounds from alcohol abuse, suffered a mild heart attack, slept on Pearl street, had one dread lock, became a construction worker and a direct blood relative to gg allin, acquired some pretty terrible tattoos and emits an awful odor. To think all of this could have been avoided if two immature teenagers didn't give him the nick name "suds" and cause him to spiral into an complete oblivion in order to out live the the nickname, all because he could do really good 360 flips and we couldn't.

8. Yabo the inventor- in 2009 yabo invented both Dickie's and Levi 501's, pool skating, frontside grinds, made drinking beer cool, painting boobs, starting a blog, wearing halfcabs and not showering. I know he really likes ground beef now, so I think he invented that as well.

9. Weed is legalized in Boulder-Distribution centers upon up near skate shops that used to sell weed on the hill, which I can only see the business further suffering from trades of skateboard products for weed "products". Local pot enthusiasts Jari and Sean are super hyped, but may be a little too stoned to realize this might effect their business...

10. Unique group of friends keep social network site running- Skateboarders from Denver, Co are literally keeping myspace.com up and running. With nearly every other member leaving the site for facebook.com or even twitter, these determined young men are in for the long haul, along with Tilla Tequilla.

Mixing water and oil

I recently went through and edited some posts and found some that I never finished. This one is from a little while back when Yabo was about to visit NYC. I thought doing a comparison of the two would be super funny but it ultimately became to hard to find similarities between them that wouldn't end with them both hating me...plus I'm lazy. Enjoy

I am lucky enough to have a very diverse group of friends that I've acquired over the years, few black friends, but I do have an Asian one...I'm getting off topic here. The point is, with such big personalities sometimes there can be some clashing. One of my best friends Yabo is coming to visit in about a week and I got to thinking even though my friends are really different, they share an uncommon bond, like a super...bond. So here's a comparison that I thought would be interesting.

Meet Yabo-

"booger" "fart" "Yabo laugh"

You may remember Yabo from a post I made last year in tittled " the real party monster". A 22 year old art student at the university of Colorado, he embodies the stereotype of what you hope college is gonna be like when your like 14 and is the only person I've met who's life pans out like it does in movies about college, which is just about the coolest thing ever. He paints goblins, eats beers and is the only person alive I know of to get an HJ in a camo sleeping bag.

Meet Peter Goldberg:

This was the only picture Peter

had on his facebook that wasn't

a common friend.

Peter is a 20-30 year old student at The New school, and a graduate of C.U. and maybe another university as well. Peter is a shy and polite guy who is also a homebody. He's cautious and rarely if ever has gotten into trouble.

Now let's see what these two have in common that they might not even know.

Yabo: Takes his shirt off at every party every party he's ever been to.

Peter: Wears a button down belly shirt to every party we've ever taken him to.

Yabo: Sneaks in beers at bars to avoid paying for them

Peter: Sneakily puts his headphones on at the bar to avoid interacting with anyone.

Yabo: Eats allot of ground beef and couldn't imagine why anyone wouldn't

Peter: Gets made fun of by Yabo who can't understand why Peter wouldn't eat ground beef

Yabo: Can destroy a living room within 5 minutes of getting to a party

Peter: is a interior designer and aspires to design the rooms that Yabo will make fun of and soon destroy

Yabo: Cooks frozen pizzas and then cools them so he can pack them whole for a lunch

Peter: Has his made cook his frozen pizzas

Yabo: Comes with a warning attached when introduced to people he's yet to interact with

Peter: Needs to read the warning label of every single thing he comes in contact with to see if it will clash with one of the 500 medications he's taking

Yabo: thinks his drawings are gonz Esq

Peter: Thinks his skating is gonz Esq

-Niether of them are correct

Yabo: Would take a bullet for a friend if he had to

Peter: Would take a dollar from a friend if he was owed it, no matter how long ago the dollar was owed

Yabo: Will drench himself in his own urine

Peter: Will drench himself in his own blood from scrubbing his used to be hands

Restaurant review: eating is easy

After a few meeting's with the men from the previous post, I left with a bad taste in my mouth. So I decided to catch a bite to eat and review it for your reading pleasure. I dined in at the world celebrated Halal food cart located in the heart of the city, Broadway and Broome. For those of you currently living outside of the NYC area, this post will make little sense to you and probably annoy you, for those of you living in NYC it will still probably bother you.

Upon approaching the cart I noticed two things, one being that all I could smell was this food and urine since I got off the train 6 blocks earlier, and that the cart itself was surrounded by a puddle of what I assume to be urine, I'm guessing this was just a coincidence. "Hi" I said with excitement, "what's on the menu today"? "Look sign" he replied in between breathing out of a cigarette covered some sort of yellow sauce. So following the chefs orders I browsed the "look sign" he spoke of. "I think I'll have the gyro" I said with hesitation after seeing how Delicious all the food looked that had been sitting on the grill for at least 97 hours which really gave it time to marinate in it's own stagnate juices. "Is that lamb or chicken" I asked pointing at the grill. "Zat is Za Salad" he said sweating a little too much for comfort considering it was 30 degrees outside. "hmmmmm" I pondered, "well I guess I'll have the lamb". So He began chopping up what I had thought was a rubber matt and pressing it against the grill. He wore one stained ripped glove, which he pressed against my food after wiping his sweaty face every five seconds, which was a relief because I would have been a bit worried if he wasn't wearing glove.

The glove like this bloody glove, but way way

worse.

4 cigarettes later, he had poured white sauce and red stuff on it and wrapped it in news paper. The gyro was ready to consume, but not before he touched some more of my food with his glove, or what remained of the glove. "oh, ha thanks it smells...allot" I was also starting to sweat at this point. The gyro looked pretty good, I was hungry and even though I had never eaten cooked food that was pulsating in my hands I have it a go. The first bite honestly amazed me. How could something that has such a strong odor have no taste at all, it was like eating a sponge after it scrubbed a curry covered toilet, so it was pretty good. I was also impressed on how quickly the gyro went through my system and had me sprinting to the starbucks bathroom and treating the toilet like an Iraqi prisoner of war, interrogating it for answers that it just could not answer...or flush. So, leaving pale and having murdered and tortured the Innocent porcelain bystander I felt pretty good for only spending $3.00 on lunch.

Rest in peace buddy, rest in peace.

I give it four stars, one star for the quality of the food, 2 for the price, and one star for the worlds most recycled glove.

WANTED: early 20's sassy potential new best friend

First let me start this post by apologizing to my mother, one of my biggest fans, for the lack of updates. I've been extremely busy experimenting with drugs and alcohol and having pre marital sex to write funny stories...well, that's mostly untrue. I have however been spending allot of time by myself because I think my friends are starting to become tired of my bad attitude/smell, at least my girlfriend puts up with it...against her will. Any who, thus began my quest in finding my new best friend. I thumbed through the "strictly platonic" m4m section of craigslist to find the friend of my dreams, here's what I found.

Contestant #1:

The first thing I noticed about this ad was I don't think we would have very much in common, though he really loves cigars and is a married military man, I'm just not that into the whole JO buddy thing, I've never really been a fan of jogging off with another guy...but I wouldn't mind the "chilling nude" part I suppose.

Pretty casual cat, plus is that a

hookah...? bonus

Contestant #2:

A self described "clean and friendly" Asian, he seems ready to help me with all my computer, camera, and painting problems which is great because my current Asian friend isn't really helping me in that department, he's just completely abandoning me. Could this be the friend of my dreams? I guess it depends on how many technical problems I'm currently having with my PC.

I'm not gonna lie, this guy seems like a

party animal...plus he can probably fix my

ipod.

Contestant #3:

The language barrier could possibly be a problem, but he said he's "pretty much down for anything with the right dude" so I'm assuming he means learning English and then telling fart jokes with me. He's down to get a beer and see a Broadway show, but his eyes say he just wants to jet ski all day and then show off his six pack abs...this is gonna be a tough decision.

Could this be completely and

total heterosexual love?

Contestant #4:

He loves to dance, and he's a big fan of roses. When I asked if he'd want to hangout without me bringing roses ,because lets face it I don't have much of a green thumb, he replied "well how would you like a brown thumb"?

Another fan of the hookah I see, I could see

us kicking back and talking about girls.

Who am I kidding, all these ads have one very big thing in common...these guys don't need a friend like me around. Oh well, I guess I'll have to continue with the friends that I already have and you know what? I'm ok with that. Because there's nothing wrong with hangin nude with screech, nothing at all.

Rants and raves, a 22 yr old boy going on 80

So I finally got a computer I can use to complain about stuff on again thanks to my buddy Jeff Hackworth, he had no choice in the matter really because it's part of his new rent plan to give me computer time now, which is pretty sweet because one of my roommates already locked his door due to the Duff man needing to much vanity time and the other is apparently getting cranky that I keep using his laptop without his permission...Sorry "mom". Any who, here's some stuff that's been on my mind as of late.

Tipping isn't a city in China, but it should be: If there's one thing I honestly can say that I've been selfless and generous with my whole life is leaving a pretty good tip. But as of late, I've also let my bad attitude take over that aspect of my life as well. You walk into the bar, get hassled because your id may or may not be real, wait 20 minutes for your drink order to be taken by a saggy and busted bartender who giggles to herself after sizing you up and hands you a glass half full of warm beer and then it's not only expected that I will leave at least a dollar tip but implied. A dollar tip on every drink? It's literally gonna take at least 3 drinks to be buzzed enough into thinking that going out to the bar with Peter G and Canyon, a 19 year old child who walks like he rode to New York on horse back, at 3 am on a Tuesday is a good idea.

What can I do besides complain: I'd sit pretty comfortable with just complaining, but some of you out there may be more proactive and would like to have a solution to your problems. So I came up with a brilliant plan that's been working out great for me...retipping. Retipping is the art of taking somebody Else's tip and retipping it to the bartender so I can save up more to buy myself more drinks. I've become a robin hood of sorts, I steal from assholes and give to pretencions beer jockeys . It's a win win. But when I'm feeling really good, I steal the tip from multiple pretty boy Floyd's from the bar and use that money to buy drinks and don't tip anything at all, that's a win win win. Three Win's can't be wrong.

What if my friend is bar tending?: This is a tough call, because in this case your usually drinking for free in this situation and a tip would be the right thing to do. But, what about my companionship for a tip? I mean come on, I could understand if I was Creepy boring guy Blank over here but I'm tellin stories, doing impressions, using props, honestly a few free drinks is the least you can do for me and I would go as far as to say a tip would be in order. It's like making a gift for your friends and family instead of purchasing what they actually want or need, I mean sure their not happy with it but nobody has the heart to call you out on it right? And besides, if your reading this then you don't have enough friends to worry about one being a bartender, except maybe Clay...he's so awesome.

How do I sleep at night? I'm such an asshole right? Yeah I guess, but as I see it I have the worst luck out of anybody I know and well, this kind of stuff evens the scale in my mind. I'm in bad health, I have to wash my hair with vinegar to rid of the dandruff, my body admits and unpleasant odor, I'm constantly losing money , all minorities seem to have a problem with me including white people, I'm constantly being ticketed and shit on by birds or pissed on by toddlers in china town and well, yeah I think I'm gonna keep my dollar instead of giving it away to go towards the bartenders next chestpeice tattoo idea.

If these guys are going to heaven, I'm thankfull Im heading to hell...

As some of you know, the gang and I have moved to the lovely area of the historic Marcy projects. But beyond the misty meadows and the Old English flowing rivers there is trouble brewing, Hasitic Jewish trouble. I've had a few run in's with these jokers over the past couple months and I've come to hear only worse and worse things about these enigmas of the human race. So, lets take a look and see if we can get a closer look and maybe a better understanding of my new neighbors.



what is a hasitic jew? For my friends not living in the New York city area, you may be lucky enough to have never interacted with these creatures. Hasitic jews are similar to regular jews, only everything about them is completely exaggerated as if you were viewing a jewish person in a fur coat on mushrooms. The ensemble is very modest and tasteful consisting of a giant robe, a hat that is made of a tire dipped in hair, and Pilgrim stockings and pirate shoes. To their credit however, they've managed to stand out even among the crowd in williamsburg which is a feat in itself. Prepare to get a few hundred awkward glances if you skate down the street because this is the one group of people who have still never seen nor heard a skateboard in their lives, I swear these fucking people are from the past, thousands of years ago they stumbled upon a time machine and right before they got in they tripped a wire that tarred them and dumped old barber shop trimmings on them before being druged then pushed a few buttons until they arrived here.





Where's the beef, this hate isn't Kosher? I don't hate jewish people, in fact I love all the success they've had in this country, like the show Seinfeld. The hasids however leave a bad taste in my mouth (thats what she said). The men have the sexual maturity of a 10 year old boy seeing his first boob , only for penises. They alone keep the prostitution business thriving in nyc, these guys really love dicks, that and mini vans. I've never had more attention skating down the street then this in my life and it scares the shit out of me. Just last night our new guy Jeff that sleeps on our floor almost got abducted trying to find our house, call me a pessimist but I don't think their intentions were to just "give him a ride" like they said while holding duck tape behind their back and violently masterbating in front of him.



I don't know what I'm trying to prove with this post, but all I know is that these guys are the worst. I guess I'm a racist now. No, I think I just hate creepy assholes with weird costumes that attempt to rape me and my friends. Meh, I'm just racist.

Turd merchants of death: An asshole's review...

I haven't posted anything in about a month, in which I've been doing other awesome things like getting all types of laid by one chick and drinking myself to sleep while a bootleg copy of "funny people" plays annoyingly in the background, don't see it because funny people sucks. It's not even funny, which is a total contradiction to the title, I mean the fucking nerve of Jud Apatow to pull off the romantic/heartfelt/andam sandler impersonations comeback...I'm getting off topic here, I'm here to review a meta skate video, not some piece of shit. Anywho, I haven't had Internet access in a while when all of a sudden I see a little gem called "turd merchants of death". Now besides living on the opposite side of the country, i feel inclined to follow the skate scene of a town I used to live in.

The basic plot: Seeing as I only have access to the commercial and not the actual video, here's what I've gathered is going on in the film. Longmonster Dan, Creepy jake and the dude my best friend buys coke from are all running away from a group of pearl street legends turned zombies, in order to skate the boulder ditch with Brian Ball. I'm assuming that other characters will be thrown in the mix such as the Red head dude with half of a thumb, Niel thurman and that one chill longboarder who gets a 15% homie discount at the shop just for being down for sector nine and bong hits.

Much like Halloween, this movie is

scary stuff.

Meta's past video projects will be hard to beat, with titles including "motherly love" and "hoagies and Grinders" is just the tip of the ice burg, and of course the infamous 98%, a meta side project, who's videos speak volumes amongst the alternative crowd that hung out near the creek smoking cigs at my high school.

A scene taken from Meta's

"Recess", a truly hard video

to top.

Admission should be anywhere from 5 dollars to saying you "have a trick in the homies section", which I strongly recommend you do if you live in the Colorado area because chances are you probably do have a trick in the video without actually knowing about it. So pack a van in with you drunken friends, pick up a few tweenage girls you see walking around the hill looking for glow sticks, and if your little jake then bring you mom to what I'm hoping, nay, declaring to be the biggest box office sensation to come out of the campus area in months! Beers will be smashed, fights will be started, and I'm willing to put up a wager that a couple of "free squeeks" will be thrown into the mix.

Less of a picture and more of a shrine to an area

of Boulder that meta's gathered so much of it's

inspiration for in its upcoming film.

7 stars, 3 stars were lost due to that Todd kid being in the movie as the mechanic...I'm only assuming Kris with a Clay's old shoes would have been more then willing to do it...

-Captain FHQZ