www.thecobrasnake.com

Just when I thought my two friends Clay and Bart couldn't get any cooler, they show me a thing or two and get significantlly cooler and studlyer. Apparently these rascals were at a party last night with the social allite of NYC and for some reason, I wasn't invited. I can see why though, because I do hate drinking with friends in a social setting and I really don't have any dress up clothes.

I know, I made the same mistake too. Gabe

isn't wearing formal clothes like Clay but he

is dressed like the smog strangler.

I tried calling Clay to ask how it felt to be up on the site but he didn't pick up my call, kind of been happening allot with him lately...maybe his phone is messed up or something. Iphones are notorious for not adhering to basic functions like ringing when a great friend is calling, but they are really good for tweetering and they have that cool application that makes gun noises. If I had an Iphone, which will probably never happen considering I am the only person who speaks english and is over the age of 14 who still has a "boost mobile" account, I would download the best friend app that calls your best friends up and lets them know that your having the time of your life and you want to share the wealth...that's the kinda app that I would buy if it was under $2.99.

Also, another great friend was attending this party that I've read so much about. Bart Strang, the Bart Strang that has "el barto" tattooed on his left butt cheek, was there and it looked like he had a blast. Man, I bet everybody at that party probably had a really great time cause it looked like allot of fun. It's too bad I didn't hear about it, cause Bart also has an Iphone too so maybe it's been on the fritz latley like Clays. For three hundred dollars these phones are really bad about recieving and making calls to best friends about parties that look like the most fun I'd ever have.

Judging by this enormous smile, I'm just gonna

assume that bart had a terrible time without

me.

Didn't look like that much of a

blast...

Well, yeah I'm glad I didn't go to that party because I woul...I wouldn't have eve...I I can't stop crying. I don't need those guy.. ohh god, I I I (sobbing) hate thi...(boogers) uhhhhhhh (both sobbing and boogers, some hunger noises from my stomach but thats unrelated). Oh boy, all that crying and blowing my noise was a bad idea, especially onto Rich's laptop.

Sorry guys, I.O.U one blog post, this one sucks.

A long time of thinking about doing it, and one afternoon free...

FHQZ's guide to: your job

I've been working in retail for about five years now and I feel I pretty much know almost everything there is to know about this kind of job. In high school, I failed almost every class that had nothing to do with art, bowling, or "study hall". but had there been a class taught souly on sorting out hangers for nine hours a day I'm pretty sure I would have totally aced it. I also would also gotten high marks in inventory, folding clothes, general back stocking and I would major in walkie checks. Some of my friends haven't had as much experience in this, others haven't even had a job in their lives...I won't name names. So here's a break down of the who's who in your future job.

The Manager-This person does not like you because your hilarious. Though you too are kind of fat, she is super fat and has no real sense of humor about it and gets all up tight when you call her out on it. Her ultimate goal throughout the day is to remind you of the one time you didn't do this or the other time you ruined that. She doesn't understand that you don't always have to be working or even "awake" on the job, she totally flips out when she catches you napping under the sweaters, it's like chill out dude.

Assistant Manager-This person does way more work then the actual manager, but is a little fatter and has a really low self esteem. Even though you don't actually know this person, you quickly learn that their whole life has been spent as either the "side kick" or the runner up. You start to kind of identify and feel bad for this person, but then they call you out on something and embarrass you at a team meeting in front of everybody and then your like "fuck this bitch...and I know it was you that totally blew up the ground floor bathroom this morning".

Random people that are always in the managers office- You don't know what they do exactly, but their always in the manger's office either chatting or eating. If you try to ask who they are or what they do at the store you will always get the "just worry about what you have to do". Though it is a mystery at first, you had it exactly right the first time, this gaggle of the fashion worlds waste were actually hired to sit and eat expensive food and talk about tv shows you've never heard of. It's looks like a pretty awesome job, but to get it you have to be the cousin of some famous dude.

Visual decorators of the store-These chicks have been up for like 6 hours but they haven't been working, they've just been doing blow in the fitting room. A couple of them went to art school but majored in something weird like performing arts or art history. You'll always hear them talking about how crazy the night before was and how much shit went down and your like "wow, they seem pretty awesome" but then you realize that most of them are like 30+ years old and one may or may not have a couple kids...doing jello shots off their grateful dead back piece.

Cashier-"Welcome to Mcdonald....Oh, wait welcome to Blank clothing supplies". All of these people are either gay or girls, they all look down on you and they all have huge aspirations of being A) movie star B) model C) fashion designer or if all else some how fails they can always become a doctor/lawyer in no time. About 90 percent of their last jobs were fast food but then they got the hunch to make it big in fashion. They all look down on you because your fine with looking at this job as just a way to get money and not a big deal, jokes on you when they become famous one of these days....right?

Stock worker-Stick out your finger and touch your nose, can you do it? Congratulations, you got the job. The only prerequisite you need for this job is that your alive and breathing, and preferably that you can't read. Probably where your gonna end up if your reading this, you'll love the benefits that come along with the job. You make slightly more then pan handling with less respect from your peers. "Attention stock workers, there is a toilet over flowing in one of the fitting rooms. Bring a mop and a PLUNGER." And I got the lovely nick name "little white bitch", has a ring to it huh?

So if there's anything you've learned from this it's that you should definitely take that job as a lawyer/doctor/professional athlete. It sounds way cooler.

why have the best when you could have the rest

Picture this, the year is 2010. Cars are powered by gasoline, video game systems are powered by con edison, con edison is powered by your mom cause you live in her basement still, beer comes in a can that when the temperature has reached it's maximum level of refreshment the mountains turn blue. With all of these developments, I only mentioned the super important ones, it's mind boggling to me that some things are around and that there are people that actually help support these things. Here are a few that I've noticed recently.

1. Cop on a horse- I really can't come up with any situation in which this is the best mode of transportation for a police officer. If a police officer can't be in a car then they should be on a bike. Bikes don't gallop when your trying to sneak up on teenagers smoking weed on Crosby st, bikes don't take giant shit's in the middle of Broadway, and bikes also don't need pit stops to have a quick salt lick. Just when I thought New York City cops couldn't get anymore worthless they create a job where a fat guy from queens poses for pictures in times square for German tourists, but don't try to pet "officer sprinkles" or you'll be spendin the night in central bookin ya scumbag.

2. Pay phones- At this point in time, if you don't own a cell phone you either A) just got out of prison or B) are about to go to prison. There's something so unsettling about seeing someone on a payphone that you'd almost feel more comfortable openly masturbating in public. I recently lost my phone and had to call everybody from payphones and even homeless were looking at me like I was fucking crazy.

3. The porno video store- This ties in directly to the pay phone aspect of the demographic this attracts. How do you not have the Internet? Are you that stubborn that your begrudgingly gonna avoid getting a computer at any cost, even if that means completely tarnishing your already soiled image and putting the final nail in the coffin of your self respect? Do yourself a favor and get a cheap laptop and some decent Internet, the porno your gonna find is gonna fucking blow your mind.

4. Mime- At this point in the game, the mime really is the worst street performer in the street arts business today. You have people deep throating flaming swords, juggling chainsaws, walking on broken glass and razorblades, hammering nails into their faces, wait this might just be the coney island freak show I'm talking about. Either way, your stuck in a box and nobody is giving you a dime nor bumming you a cigarette.

5. Hookah bars- I honestly thought this would be short lived, but thanks to the same crowd single handedly keeping Ed Hardy brand clothing/energy drinks/beer afloat, it's not gonna go anywhere any time soon. I'm guessing these were the same people who thought that oxygen bars were the next big thing...

A dear Abby.

Dear chick trying to rock to fakie the extension at the kcdc ramp on Thursday night,

upon seeing you skate the ramp before the guys could get on to skate, I noticed that your b/s 50's were pretty sketchy and an your rock fakies were pretty unbuttery. To my dismay, you attempted to take that rock fakie to the extension during the male ramp jam out of some act of rebellion. This really concerned me and despite every guy there egging you on to continue I'm afraid they were just satisfying their need to see a boob pop out by accident. If for some reason you end up landing this, and your single boob does indeed pop out then this will literally be the highlight of you short lived skateboarding career. Any time you do a trick without exposing your breast will probably be followed with boo's and you will be hissed at until you flash these animals or leave with shame. On your last attempt, I'm pretty sure you broke your wrist. Even worse, when somebody came to your rescue I'm pretty sure he copped a feel on your butt. Here are a few suggestions on some new activities that might suit you better: Aggressive shopping, inline cosmetology, or extreme thrifting. Though the rest of the skateboard community may be upset with me for ruining their chances of seeing the boob mentioned above, I could not live with myself knowing I didn't try to help you.

Sincerely concerned,

cowardice anonymity, afraid you may beat me up at the next ramp jam.

The shittiest times in my life: the Brown years

Waiting in line to get dumplings in Chinatown the other day I had compiled yet another list of my "best and worst" public restrooms in NYC, and this particular bathroom fell somewhere in the middle, which isn't really the point of this story. After the dumplings, I felt like complete garbage and a midst destroying a toilet deep in the arm pit of china town, I came up with another list. So here it is, the first 5 of "my worst toilet related incidents during the span of 1995 to current".

1. Big mac attack-Being in sixth grade meant going to the mall with your friends, and being fat and in sixth grade meant me spending the money I stole from my brothers change jar to eat in the food court at the mall for hours. Fellow fat adolescent Eric Nash had found out the day prior that I had never actually eaten a "big mac" from mcdonalds and insisted that the following day we make it a point to get this sandwich together and then talk about how awesome it was eating it. I Got the sandwich and about 20 mins into stealing candy from the jaw breaker store, my stomach started beating the shit out of me. I ran to the nearest bathroom and began violently shitting while simultaneously vomiting in between my legs into the poor bowl. 10 mins into that Eric runs in banging on the door(one stall) so we take turns puking and shitting our hearts out for about 2 hours. It's rumored that this is why the crossroads mall closed.

2. Grilled stuffed burrito from taco bell-This tragedy was avoidable, and that's why it haunts me so. Veering away from my usual of two bean burritos with sour cream and guacamole, pre dollar menu, I decided to try the grilled stuffed chicken burrito. Later that night I was so violently ill, so shaken and worn out by the terror of my own bowles that I actually prayed to god that it would stop, it later got way worse when I started puking and shitting what felt like the equivalent of drinking Tabasco and siracha hot sauce for 3 days. My own personal trail of tears, it lasted about a week and a half. Later telling the tale to a friend, all he had to say on the matter was "you don't look any thinner".

3. George's revenge-For a second I was embarrassed and thought about not mentioning this one, but then I realized that I have a blog completely devoted to farts and 8th grade humor but unfortunately for me this happened in 11th grade and not in middle school, sigh. Cafeteria antics were going along smoothly, I had already made fun of every person within ten feet of me and taking it a step further I decided to fart on George Perez. Not to sound arrogant, but this was a feat I had accomplished many times prior but today was different. With the air coming out of my cheeks I soon realized I was in way over my head when long and behold I had sharted my paints. Stunned, I said nothing and penguin walked to the bathroom where I threw away my boxer briefs, attempted to wash the mess off the legs of my brand new jeans. Defeated, I tied my sweat shirt around my naked waist and ran to my gym locker where I put on my sweatpants. George was thrilled.

4. Force fed change and clay-My brother really loved seeing me suffer when we were young, so he made me eat a bunch of change and some clay in starburst wrappers. He said it was "starburst gray", I knew it was obviously clay and he replied "eat it or I'll beat the shit out of you" which was pretty convincing. So, quarters and modeling clay don't feel good going in your mouth, or out of your ass as I came to learn.

5. Starbucks prankster-Besides the fact that I was sick, it didn't help that every German tourist in NYC happened to have to shit in soho at that very starbucks at the same exact time. I honestly thought I wasn't gonna be able to hold it and was gonna have to deficate myself in a crowded starbucks. I finally get in there and shot gun shelled a shit out even before my cheeks hit the seat. With a sigh of relief, I reached for the toilet paper which had been pissed on. Fucking pissed on, and not just only one roll but 5 rolls! How many people were in on this? Panicked, I sacrificed my right sock to clean up the mess. Thats when the pounding on the door started and I thoughtlessly threw the sock in the bowl and flushed. Water and Shit started flowing out and covering the floor, it was everywhere and began coming out of the crack of the door and flowing out where the other 50 people were waiting. I heard screams and yelling so I took a breathe, gathered what I had left of my pride and opened the door and ran as fast as I could out of the crowded Establishment, feet covered in shitty water. It was a nightmare, but oddly enough I still go there to get coffee in the morning unfazed.

Top 10 Shockers of the past year...or from years before last year

With the coming of the new year, actually were well into the new year but I've been really slacking, comes new beginnings and a chance to reflect on the people and events that helped shape the year of 2009. I've created a best of or a "greatest hits" of sorts in order to celebrate and recognize such events and people in the classic top 10 form.

1. Snowboarding is some what excepted -In an attempt to be taken seriously, snowboarding is inducted into the winter Olympics and the games have never been so stoned or neon colored. For the first time in years, the state of Colorado is pushing out Olympic athletes thanks in part to Satellite board shop, which is a change of pace from pushing out free energy drinks, mediocre skateboarding clips and shitty board graphics.

2. Clay keeps growing his hair- Not to be out shined by the snowboarding news, Clay Kessack continues to grow his long locks of hair and holding a place in the record books of "an Asian guy from Colorado with pretty long hair" amongst our group of friends.

3. Peter hits the 500 mark- Peter Goldberg went big in 09 by smashing his previous record of 410 to a whopping 500 hospital visits in 2009 all from illnesses and disorders completely fictional and insane. From having a bad case of the chronic hungries to a serious tummy ache, Peter battled through 2009 with spirit and intensity of an over mothered man child convinced that his own body is working against itself, which ironically enough sounds like he should get checked out.

4. Dr. Stienburg- Thanks to Peters daily trips to his ER room, Dr. Stienburg has finally saved up enough money to buy that Island he always wanted made completely of gold and diamonds.

5. Katz visits NYC- In what had been rumored many times before, Mike Katz flew not to New Jersey to sit around watching tv but actually straight through to NYC to hangout with friends and drink at bars that are not on Pearl street. When asked about the trip he replied that he had an "ok" time.

6. Rich Duff's his way into 2010- In what's become an on going joke, friends of Rich have come up with the term "Duffing" to describe Rich's behavior. When asked about the new term Rich reportedly ignored the interviewer.

7. RIP Alex Haskin 1989-2006, hello Mcshwilly-In the course of three years Alex or "Mcshwilly" has ran away from home, train hopped to every crappy town in the us, gained 94 pounds from alcohol abuse, suffered a mild heart attack, slept on Pearl street, had one dread lock, became a construction worker and a direct blood relative to gg allin, acquired some pretty terrible tattoos and emits an awful odor. To think all of this could have been avoided if two immature teenagers didn't give him the nick name "suds" and cause him to spiral into an complete oblivion in order to out live the the nickname, all because he could do really good 360 flips and we couldn't.

8. Yabo the inventor- in 2009 yabo invented both Dickie's and Levi 501's, pool skating, frontside grinds, made drinking beer cool, painting boobs, starting a blog, wearing halfcabs and not showering. I know he really likes ground beef now, so I think he invented that as well.

9. Weed is legalized in Boulder-Distribution centers upon up near skate shops that used to sell weed on the hill, which I can only see the business further suffering from trades of skateboard products for weed "products". Local pot enthusiasts Jari and Sean are super hyped, but may be a little too stoned to realize this might effect their business...

10. Unique group of friends keep social network site running- Skateboarders from Denver, Co are literally keeping myspace.com up and running. With nearly every other member leaving the site for facebook.com or even twitter, these determined young men are in for the long haul, along with Tilla Tequilla.