if I was a thousand years old...

Every so often, meaning everyday, someone tells me that I have a bad attitude. I used to counteract this ridiculous claim by complaining and making fun of said asshole but as of late I have come to terms with this. I have been on this earth for 22 long years now, and about 18 of them have been filled with my love of hating on everything and anything I can. Though Mccaren park, teenage lesbians, Clay, Peter, Cops on horse back, myself have given me tons of hating material as of late, I can't help but selfishly think of what it might have been like to hate throughout history. I have always had a bone to pick with some of these people, so lets give it a shot shall we?

Joan of arc: This chick is the Ellissa Steamer of history, skateboarding reference, and I am not a fan as you may have guessed. She led the french to a couple key victories in the hundred year war but what she forgot to do was show her boobs in Bill and Ted's excellent adventure. I'm second guessing my reference to Ellissa Steamer because I never want to see her boobs. One chick did something rad in the battlefield over the course of the worlds existence, thousands of dudes did too....any who, Joan of Arc was probably a lesbian.

Abe Lincoln: This dude was on the penny, and apparently loved black people which is ironic because I work with a ton of black dudes and survive souly on pennies I find on the floor of my room to buy doughnut sticks and tall cans from the bodega I live above. In second grade, I had to play honest Abe in a Play that my school put on. I refused to play the part because he was shot at a play and I thought that reenacting him being shot at a play in a play was weird...plus, I hated the hat and the beard was really itchy. Long story short, they gave the part to this Asian kid and I had to go down on all fours and pretend to be a table in the play instead. Since then, I've had beef with Abe.

Paul Revere: This guy is revered, no pun intended, as a hero but I just think he's a snitch. On the faithful night of his midnight ride, he rode through the Boston streets shouting "the British are coming, the British are coming". This always rubbed me the wrong way, I mean I like being free and stuff but I'm totally not into people ratting. He should have kept that shit on the low and passed a couple notes, threw up a tag with a subliminal message or something cool like that. Plus, he was in cahoots with Samuel Adams who is now responsible for the beer that fuels people that I am less then crazy about.

Benjamin Franklin: I'm pretty sure that the only thing I know about this dude is that he invented electricity or dropping acid or something. He's super fat, looks like he has an attitude and he probably has that smell that fat people have because their too fat to reach around themselves to wash. Plus, he's on money and was never president which is fucked because Chris Farley was fatter and way cooler then this powdered wig wearing dumbass...He was actually probably super smart, which also pisses me off.

Genghis Kahn: This guy was super angry, super into to killing stuff and really scary...which I don't agree with because everybody Knows that Asian people are not scary at all, their just annoying.