Mixing water and oil

I recently went through and edited some posts and found some that I never finished. This one is from a little while back when Yabo was about to visit NYC. I thought doing a comparison of the two would be super funny but it ultimately became to hard to find similarities between them that wouldn't end with them both hating me...plus I'm lazy. Enjoy

I am lucky enough to have a very diverse group of friends that I've acquired over the years, few black friends, but I do have an Asian one...I'm getting off topic here. The point is, with such big personalities sometimes there can be some clashing. One of my best friends Yabo is coming to visit in about a week and I got to thinking even though my friends are really different, they share an uncommon bond, like a super...bond. So here's a comparison that I thought would be interesting.

Meet Yabo-

"booger" "fart" "Yabo laugh"

You may remember Yabo from a post I made last year in tittled " the real party monster". A 22 year old art student at the university of Colorado, he embodies the stereotype of what you hope college is gonna be like when your like 14 and is the only person I've met who's life pans out like it does in movies about college, which is just about the coolest thing ever. He paints goblins, eats beers and is the only person alive I know of to get an HJ in a camo sleeping bag.

Meet Peter Goldberg:

This was the only picture Peter

had on his facebook that wasn't

a common friend.

Peter is a 20-30 year old student at The New school, and a graduate of C.U. and maybe another university as well. Peter is a shy and polite guy who is also a homebody. He's cautious and rarely if ever has gotten into trouble.

Now let's see what these two have in common that they might not even know.

Yabo: Takes his shirt off at every party every party he's ever been to.

Peter: Wears a button down belly shirt to every party we've ever taken him to.

Yabo: Sneaks in beers at bars to avoid paying for them

Peter: Sneakily puts his headphones on at the bar to avoid interacting with anyone.

Yabo: Eats allot of ground beef and couldn't imagine why anyone wouldn't

Peter: Gets made fun of by Yabo who can't understand why Peter wouldn't eat ground beef

Yabo: Can destroy a living room within 5 minutes of getting to a party

Peter: is a interior designer and aspires to design the rooms that Yabo will make fun of and soon destroy

Yabo: Cooks frozen pizzas and then cools them so he can pack them whole for a lunch

Peter: Has his made cook his frozen pizzas

Yabo: Comes with a warning attached when introduced to people he's yet to interact with

Peter: Needs to read the warning label of every single thing he comes in contact with to see if it will clash with one of the 500 medications he's taking

Yabo: thinks his drawings are gonz Esq

Peter: Thinks his skating is gonz Esq

-Niether of them are correct

Yabo: Would take a bullet for a friend if he had to

Peter: Would take a dollar from a friend if he was owed it, no matter how long ago the dollar was owed

Yabo: Will drench himself in his own urine

Peter: Will drench himself in his own blood from scrubbing his used to be hands

Restaurant review: eating is easy

After a few meeting's with the men from the previous post, I left with a bad taste in my mouth. So I decided to catch a bite to eat and review it for your reading pleasure. I dined in at the world celebrated Halal food cart located in the heart of the city, Broadway and Broome. For those of you currently living outside of the NYC area, this post will make little sense to you and probably annoy you, for those of you living in NYC it will still probably bother you.

Upon approaching the cart I noticed two things, one being that all I could smell was this food and urine since I got off the train 6 blocks earlier, and that the cart itself was surrounded by a puddle of what I assume to be urine, I'm guessing this was just a coincidence. "Hi" I said with excitement, "what's on the menu today"? "Look sign" he replied in between breathing out of a cigarette covered some sort of yellow sauce. So following the chefs orders I browsed the "look sign" he spoke of. "I think I'll have the gyro" I said with hesitation after seeing how Delicious all the food looked that had been sitting on the grill for at least 97 hours which really gave it time to marinate in it's own stagnate juices. "Is that lamb or chicken" I asked pointing at the grill. "Zat is Za Salad" he said sweating a little too much for comfort considering it was 30 degrees outside. "hmmmmm" I pondered, "well I guess I'll have the lamb". So He began chopping up what I had thought was a rubber matt and pressing it against the grill. He wore one stained ripped glove, which he pressed against my food after wiping his sweaty face every five seconds, which was a relief because I would have been a bit worried if he wasn't wearing glove.

The glove like this bloody glove, but way way

worse.

4 cigarettes later, he had poured white sauce and red stuff on it and wrapped it in news paper. The gyro was ready to consume, but not before he touched some more of my food with his glove, or what remained of the glove. "oh, ha thanks it smells...allot" I was also starting to sweat at this point. The gyro looked pretty good, I was hungry and even though I had never eaten cooked food that was pulsating in my hands I have it a go. The first bite honestly amazed me. How could something that has such a strong odor have no taste at all, it was like eating a sponge after it scrubbed a curry covered toilet, so it was pretty good. I was also impressed on how quickly the gyro went through my system and had me sprinting to the starbucks bathroom and treating the toilet like an Iraqi prisoner of war, interrogating it for answers that it just could not answer...or flush. So, leaving pale and having murdered and tortured the Innocent porcelain bystander I felt pretty good for only spending $3.00 on lunch.

Rest in peace buddy, rest in peace.

I give it four stars, one star for the quality of the food, 2 for the price, and one star for the worlds most recycled glove.

WANTED: early 20's sassy potential new best friend

First let me start this post by apologizing to my mother, one of my biggest fans, for the lack of updates. I've been extremely busy experimenting with drugs and alcohol and having pre marital sex to write funny stories...well, that's mostly untrue. I have however been spending allot of time by myself because I think my friends are starting to become tired of my bad attitude/smell, at least my girlfriend puts up with it...against her will. Any who, thus began my quest in finding my new best friend. I thumbed through the "strictly platonic" m4m section of craigslist to find the friend of my dreams, here's what I found.

Contestant #1:

The first thing I noticed about this ad was I don't think we would have very much in common, though he really loves cigars and is a married military man, I'm just not that into the whole JO buddy thing, I've never really been a fan of jogging off with another guy...but I wouldn't mind the "chilling nude" part I suppose.

Pretty casual cat, plus is that a

hookah...? bonus

Contestant #2:

A self described "clean and friendly" Asian, he seems ready to help me with all my computer, camera, and painting problems which is great because my current Asian friend isn't really helping me in that department, he's just completely abandoning me. Could this be the friend of my dreams? I guess it depends on how many technical problems I'm currently having with my PC.

I'm not gonna lie, this guy seems like a

party animal...plus he can probably fix my

ipod.

Contestant #3:

The language barrier could possibly be a problem, but he said he's "pretty much down for anything with the right dude" so I'm assuming he means learning English and then telling fart jokes with me. He's down to get a beer and see a Broadway show, but his eyes say he just wants to jet ski all day and then show off his six pack abs...this is gonna be a tough decision.

Could this be completely and

total heterosexual love?

Contestant #4:

He loves to dance, and he's a big fan of roses. When I asked if he'd want to hangout without me bringing roses ,because lets face it I don't have much of a green thumb, he replied "well how would you like a brown thumb"?

Another fan of the hookah I see, I could see

us kicking back and talking about girls.

Who am I kidding, all these ads have one very big thing in common...these guys don't need a friend like me around. Oh well, I guess I'll have to continue with the friends that I already have and you know what? I'm ok with that. Because there's nothing wrong with hangin nude with screech, nothing at all.

Rants and raves, a 22 yr old boy going on 80

So I finally got a computer I can use to complain about stuff on again thanks to my buddy Jeff Hackworth, he had no choice in the matter really because it's part of his new rent plan to give me computer time now, which is pretty sweet because one of my roommates already locked his door due to the Duff man needing to much vanity time and the other is apparently getting cranky that I keep using his laptop without his permission...Sorry "mom". Any who, here's some stuff that's been on my mind as of late.

Tipping isn't a city in China, but it should be: If there's one thing I honestly can say that I've been selfless and generous with my whole life is leaving a pretty good tip. But as of late, I've also let my bad attitude take over that aspect of my life as well. You walk into the bar, get hassled because your id may or may not be real, wait 20 minutes for your drink order to be taken by a saggy and busted bartender who giggles to herself after sizing you up and hands you a glass half full of warm beer and then it's not only expected that I will leave at least a dollar tip but implied. A dollar tip on every drink? It's literally gonna take at least 3 drinks to be buzzed enough into thinking that going out to the bar with Peter G and Canyon, a 19 year old child who walks like he rode to New York on horse back, at 3 am on a Tuesday is a good idea.

What can I do besides complain: I'd sit pretty comfortable with just complaining, but some of you out there may be more proactive and would like to have a solution to your problems. So I came up with a brilliant plan that's been working out great for me...retipping. Retipping is the art of taking somebody Else's tip and retipping it to the bartender so I can save up more to buy myself more drinks. I've become a robin hood of sorts, I steal from assholes and give to pretencions beer jockeys . It's a win win. But when I'm feeling really good, I steal the tip from multiple pretty boy Floyd's from the bar and use that money to buy drinks and don't tip anything at all, that's a win win win. Three Win's can't be wrong.

What if my friend is bar tending?: This is a tough call, because in this case your usually drinking for free in this situation and a tip would be the right thing to do. But, what about my companionship for a tip? I mean come on, I could understand if I was Creepy boring guy Blank over here but I'm tellin stories, doing impressions, using props, honestly a few free drinks is the least you can do for me and I would go as far as to say a tip would be in order. It's like making a gift for your friends and family instead of purchasing what they actually want or need, I mean sure their not happy with it but nobody has the heart to call you out on it right? And besides, if your reading this then you don't have enough friends to worry about one being a bartender, except maybe Clay...he's so awesome.

How do I sleep at night? I'm such an asshole right? Yeah I guess, but as I see it I have the worst luck out of anybody I know and well, this kind of stuff evens the scale in my mind. I'm in bad health, I have to wash my hair with vinegar to rid of the dandruff, my body admits and unpleasant odor, I'm constantly losing money , all minorities seem to have a problem with me including white people, I'm constantly being ticketed and shit on by birds or pissed on by toddlers in china town and well, yeah I think I'm gonna keep my dollar instead of giving it away to go towards the bartenders next chestpeice tattoo idea.

If these guys are going to heaven, I'm thankfull Im heading to hell...

As some of you know, the gang and I have moved to the lovely area of the historic Marcy projects. But beyond the misty meadows and the Old English flowing rivers there is trouble brewing, Hasitic Jewish trouble. I've had a few run in's with these jokers over the past couple months and I've come to hear only worse and worse things about these enigmas of the human race. So, lets take a look and see if we can get a closer look and maybe a better understanding of my new neighbors.



what is a hasitic jew? For my friends not living in the New York city area, you may be lucky enough to have never interacted with these creatures. Hasitic jews are similar to regular jews, only everything about them is completely exaggerated as if you were viewing a jewish person in a fur coat on mushrooms. The ensemble is very modest and tasteful consisting of a giant robe, a hat that is made of a tire dipped in hair, and Pilgrim stockings and pirate shoes. To their credit however, they've managed to stand out even among the crowd in williamsburg which is a feat in itself. Prepare to get a few hundred awkward glances if you skate down the street because this is the one group of people who have still never seen nor heard a skateboard in their lives, I swear these fucking people are from the past, thousands of years ago they stumbled upon a time machine and right before they got in they tripped a wire that tarred them and dumped old barber shop trimmings on them before being druged then pushed a few buttons until they arrived here.





Where's the beef, this hate isn't Kosher? I don't hate jewish people, in fact I love all the success they've had in this country, like the show Seinfeld. The hasids however leave a bad taste in my mouth (thats what she said). The men have the sexual maturity of a 10 year old boy seeing his first boob , only for penises. They alone keep the prostitution business thriving in nyc, these guys really love dicks, that and mini vans. I've never had more attention skating down the street then this in my life and it scares the shit out of me. Just last night our new guy Jeff that sleeps on our floor almost got abducted trying to find our house, call me a pessimist but I don't think their intentions were to just "give him a ride" like they said while holding duck tape behind their back and violently masterbating in front of him.



I don't know what I'm trying to prove with this post, but all I know is that these guys are the worst. I guess I'm a racist now. No, I think I just hate creepy assholes with weird costumes that attempt to rape me and my friends. Meh, I'm just racist.

Turd merchants of death: An asshole's review...

I haven't posted anything in about a month, in which I've been doing other awesome things like getting all types of laid by one chick and drinking myself to sleep while a bootleg copy of "funny people" plays annoyingly in the background, don't see it because funny people sucks. It's not even funny, which is a total contradiction to the title, I mean the fucking nerve of Jud Apatow to pull off the romantic/heartfelt/andam sandler impersonations comeback...I'm getting off topic here, I'm here to review a meta skate video, not some piece of shit. Anywho, I haven't had Internet access in a while when all of a sudden I see a little gem called "turd merchants of death". Now besides living on the opposite side of the country, i feel inclined to follow the skate scene of a town I used to live in.

The basic plot: Seeing as I only have access to the commercial and not the actual video, here's what I've gathered is going on in the film. Longmonster Dan, Creepy jake and the dude my best friend buys coke from are all running away from a group of pearl street legends turned zombies, in order to skate the boulder ditch with Brian Ball. I'm assuming that other characters will be thrown in the mix such as the Red head dude with half of a thumb, Niel thurman and that one chill longboarder who gets a 15% homie discount at the shop just for being down for sector nine and bong hits.

Much like Halloween, this movie is

scary stuff.

Meta's past video projects will be hard to beat, with titles including "motherly love" and "hoagies and Grinders" is just the tip of the ice burg, and of course the infamous 98%, a meta side project, who's videos speak volumes amongst the alternative crowd that hung out near the creek smoking cigs at my high school.

A scene taken from Meta's

"Recess", a truly hard video

to top.

Admission should be anywhere from 5 dollars to saying you "have a trick in the homies section", which I strongly recommend you do if you live in the Colorado area because chances are you probably do have a trick in the video without actually knowing about it. So pack a van in with you drunken friends, pick up a few tweenage girls you see walking around the hill looking for glow sticks, and if your little jake then bring you mom to what I'm hoping, nay, declaring to be the biggest box office sensation to come out of the campus area in months! Beers will be smashed, fights will be started, and I'm willing to put up a wager that a couple of "free squeeks" will be thrown into the mix.

Less of a picture and more of a shrine to an area

of Boulder that meta's gathered so much of it's

inspiration for in its upcoming film.

7 stars, 3 stars were lost due to that Todd kid being in the movie as the mechanic...I'm only assuming Kris with a Clay's old shoes would have been more then willing to do it...

-Captain FHQZ

"Have you narrowed in on a major yet"

The other day I was late for work, and thus punished to sort hangers for 9 hours straight when I had a very rude awakening that I am literally the only person out of my group of friends that hasn't graduated or is attending school or even planning on it or even humoring the idea of attending school. So naturally, I started thinking about what I should do for a career. Enough of this kid retail bull shit, I need a real job and here are a few things that have come up in my mind.

1. Astronaut: This sounds pretty far fetched even to me, but then I started thinking about it more and more. The rigorous testing is basically carnival rides that I can train for at coney island, I love eating dehydrated food while floating and I look really good in a jump suit. Based off of every training film I've watched for this, Armageddon to be more specific, all I basically have to do is be a bad ass with a heart of gold, check, have no experience in flying a multi million dollar air craft, check, and fall in love with a rock star's daughter, not so check. If a monkey can do it and even a chick then I think I'd at least be an average space man.

Insert funny caption...I've resorted to

back sass t shirt lines.

2. Pro wrestler: Have you seen the WWE lately...it's in pretty sad shape. All I'm saying is they could use one less rapping buff guy in a thong and one more 20 something Italian smart ass that loves snacking. I already have a name of the "junk food kid" picked out and I could blow pork rind dust into my opponents eyes and my championship belt can be made of Dickie's and have a gold embroidered face of the Andy Caps chip guy. Plus I talk allot of shit, like so much shit.

I mean he seems like a nice enough guy,

but come on, he's had his time.

3. Drugs: This one is pretty general and open ended. I could sell them, ship them or just start doing them. Anything to just block out the sadness which has become my life really. I made one attempt at selling fake cocaine at a party but my friends immediately thought I was just kidding and being "funny" so I was just left with a baggie of baking powder which totalled me in at a slight loss.

No matter how street smart they look, somebody

will end up buying my stash.

4. inventions: I have been trying to come up with or steal a good idea for some new inventions or technologies for as long as I can remember, but it turns out my friends are pretty set on talking about beer. I did come up with an idea for a bug repellent hat but was quickly told that they sell them in the "sky mall" magazine that they have on airplanes, which I claim to have invented also.

Looks just as happy as I had

pictured when I designed it.

5. Mugging people: I've known for quite some time now that I'm not very intimidating looking to people I try to scare. In the right circumstance though, and in a mask I thought i could pull it off. This also back fired when the kid I stuck up pulled out a sling shot and stole my wallet which had my subway sandwich shop rewards card in it, with enough hole punches to cash in on a free foot long. Needless to say, the meatball marinara is not in my immediate future.

Kids are way too hard to rob

these days.

What can I say, I tried my hardest and I just couldn't come through. One day I"ll look back and laugh as I tell these tales to my poverty stricken children as they desperately huddle around our barell of fire to stay warm. They however will have a steady income to bring back to our alley from their chimney sweeping jobs, because chimneys will always need a sweeping my friends...always.

A Clay date, a pretty great date

Now I've been on what I consider to be allot of dates with Clay, and I've cherished them deeply. But Clay has grown up, and has hit the town with some ladies apparently. So if your sick and pathetic like me and you lay in bed at 3 am thinking of what it's like for a girl to go on a date with Clay then your in luck because I am that pathetic. "Everyday from now on your only gonna get fatter and hairier, I had the fattest hairiest day of my life today"-Yabo, that one quote sums up me writing this post entirely, just a bitter fat man covered ii ass hair who's envious of a hairless hunk. Here it is, a NYC night with a Korean socialite

Knowing Clay he is probably gonna take a girl out to the worst, embarrassing hip and expensive bar that the city can puke up. This bar is ideal because a)it has vanity mirrors ideal for steeze checking your 3 haired moustache B) great way to give a girl even more incentive to take a quirky myspace photo, or wait is anybody on myspace anymore? Icelounge or myberrics photo then.

"The second she lifts her butt cheeks off my

penis I'm tweeting"

things seem to be moving a bit too quick for our bachelors taste, so he breaks out an old stand by...get "wierd". This not only lets her know your an artist but it's a perfect opportunity for her to take more photos of herself and immortalize you through an image of a series of images ten pages long of tagged photos on facebook of other guys at other bars. And besides, who doesn't love tagging.

one wild and crazy night,rebel rebel

A true man of passion and courage, Clay takes a calculated risk...conversing with the woman. Now your guess is as good as mine on what could have been discussed in the picture below, from corn conspiracies to hamburger grease paintings one thing is for sure the sound of her vagina clamping shut is echoing throughout the bar. He should be talking about shopping or oral sex, something women can relate too. I may or may not have used that line from a movie, If I didn't then I'm way funnier then my mom and friends think...just throwing it out there that I'm not sure.

If only there a was an app for this situation...

No matter the context of this next photo I can't get around the harshness. What's worse, a girl pretending to puke into her purse to the camera while your not looking or a girl actually doing it?Truly a brain buster.

ouch

I'm only assuming this guy did not help

the situation...

So, with a forty five dollar bar tab and a half a chubby nestled in his white Capri's, Clay calls it a night. No luck this time, but this was only a scrimage and the big game is coming up anytime now. All he's gotta do is increase his offense, lay off the dot com talk and his spirits up.

all this and more can be yours ladies, all this

and more.

I for one would love to go home from the bar wasted sitting on the back of that stallion.

Holiday wishes...

As none of you know tomorrow is my birthday. I'm gonna be 22 years young and I will most likely be as bitter as I am every other day. BUT, I've compiled a list of gifts that would make me less miserable to be around tomorrow so I strongly encourage everybody to stop what they're doing and attend to my impossible to obtain desires.

1. New NYPD training film: Imagine if the problem with the police in NYC was as simple as giving them an actual training video instead of that old copy of Andrew Dice Clay's stand up that they make the new recruits watch everyday and then reenact to the general public.

Not a role model

2. Bag of Salvia: I want to get a bag of that Salvia stuff so I can sell it to the kids at the middle school across from my street, it's called profit...every heard of it? I was selling them ground up Crab apples but a few of the kids got really sick and may or may not have died : (

Artist rendition of the after math of the crab apples.

3.For Clay to stop tagging: Besides the fact that everyone of my friends has become a "tag artist" as of yesterday, I'm concerned for his well being. Oh, and it'd be nice to take a sip of my beer while on his roof without getting paint in it.

4. Destroy Peters Painter hats: Sounds like a riddle but come on, there are more hats available buddy. And lets face it, the last thing Peter painted was the town red while going on a pierogi shopping spree.

Not bad Peter, not bad at all...

5. Frog bong: Call me a perfectionist, but wouldn't it just tie together my lily pad hookah?

You think you know but you have no idea...

As some of you may know I live in the Williamsburg/Bushwick area of Brooklyn. Allot of people classify the whole are as the Hipster bubble but I don't really think that's accurate. I mean sure, there are allot of hip handsome people still here but i thought I'd give some insight on some of my favorite groups of people who live around me.

That Guy: This guy is probably the most popular amongst the Williamsburg population. Seemingly harmless from a distance but upon closer examination you can tell exactly what's on this guys mind. In his late 20's to 30's he carouses the Bedford strip in search of organic flax muffins and a soy chai latte before yoga class. Sporting the latest clothing and accessories he some how manages to throw the whole thing off by trying to slip in a little piece of his former self such as a pair of clogs, hemp anklet or some rock climbing fleece. Driving a bike with an "impeach Bush" sticker on the back he's dead set on making some changes. He's found his oasis here in Brooklyn to relive his glory days at the local bar but don't even think of smoking near this guy outside unless its a clove or American spirits or you may get an eye roll or at worst a shake of the head in disgust. He's a huge spin doctor's fan.

I Hope he eventually drowns in chocolate silk.

The LUG(lesbian until graduation): It was only a matter of time before people had to not only change their entire image and personality to fit in, but now their sexual orientation. Parading around in their vintage tattered clothes they are here, they are temporarily queer, and they are young good looking artist girls who've chosen a shorter hair style. Power marching to the record store or the more expensive organic bodega, they are holding hands with authority. A mear look in their direction with a friendly smile will be followed with a "WHAT! Never seen a Lesbian before you PIG!!!". As shocking as a new Eddy Murphy movie, these girls are more upset that nobody cares anymore except their parents. Oh, and they work at every bagel store in Brooklyn.

There's no way their just doing this for attention...right?

Too cool for school...or anything: This guy has got it all figured out. The king of Brooklyn in his mind but would never admit to it because even thinking that he's cool makes him uncool but he knows he's cool because he's doing everything to be as cool as he can in a whatever way. Residing in the heart of the hipster scene he knows everybody else is just a poser. Reading "on the road" on the train strictly to be double ironic, wearing the latest clothes as a symbol of irony, riding a fixed gear bike and laughing at others riding them because he's doing as some joke inside his head. He's obviously on another level of cool and is hoping that he can find a girl smart enough to see his intentions by looking at him, but do you think the girl is gonna look at him and think everything he's doing is strictly to be ironic and anti hip or she's just seeing a skinny kid in glasses reading a popular book on a single speed bike? Don't tell him though...

This is the kind of guy that wouldn't laugh at a

fart joke unless it was on vinyl.

Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate...

I'm a hater!

Cpt. FH

It's been a long month, a long hard month

I've been getting allot of guff for not posting anything for a solid month now and it's starting to really get me depressed, I can barley enjoy getting intoxicated at 2pm without feeling alittle bit guilty of depriving the world, 4 followers, of my thoughts and bitterness. During the course of this month I've made several big changes in my life. One being that I got a new Job and the other being that I got my phone stolen at Enids in Brooklyn. So here is a test post of words followed by pictures that I may find on the Internet to fit my story.

Landing the job- During the grueling 5 day interview process I kept as calm as a trained surgeon, cool as a cucumber, and as chilled out as a fat college girl on her 4th bong hit. I made several visual presentations and exhibits to show how I can perform quickly under pressure, and I chose the most professional art media for my presentation...a collage of magazine cut out's of guys who looked really well dressed and handsome. As amazing as this was, they said I should have just brought my resume like they requested. Strike one...

I thought it turned out pretty tight

Key points- Allot of people make the common mistake of breaking down and admitting their faults in the interview process, but not me. I showed time logs of never being late, rave reviews from previous employers, and I did not mention that I wash my hair with apple cider vinegar to get rid of my dandruff. I did however recently run out of vinegar, thus flaking all over a box of black t shirts in the stock room and blaming it on the kid from Laos that doesn't speak English...sorry Yang Yee.

It's my only vice.

Drug testing- I did not do so hot on this portion of the interview process, what can I say, sometimes a guys gotta hit the mask 5 times a day.

My other vice

Mission accomplished- In the end I got the job and I'm doing great. I called out my first couple days due to a nasty case of pink eye and ringworm but other then that I think they really like working with and around my discus ting open sored body. They also have a vending machine there that specifically caters to mountain dew lovers, which I'm so down for now. Here are a few of the Delicious flavors they offer

Voltage and revolution were Delicious but supernova

was in a league of its own.

One Love,

Cpt. FH

The top 5 reasons for excusing Yabo's behavior

I Recently went on a week long trip to SF where I ran into a close friend of mine, Yabo. He's also told me he's heading to NYC next month to come see his parents and maybe me so I thought' I'd give some pointers on dealing with Yabo for novices in the big apple.With such an accomplished partyer as himself there needs to be a set outline on one liners the party thrower may hear. So, here is the farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com's the top 5 reasons for excusing Yabo's behavior...

1. "Sorry for Partying"-A Yabo staple, this line in itself could arguably sum up this man. It establishes dominance in the situation and evokes sympathy for him at the same time. Whether your trying to block him from jumping down your stairs into your grandparents antiques or begging him to stop putting his testicles on everything, this one liner is gonna leave an amateur party thrower dead in his tracks.

2. "Don't be that dude that gets bummed because I_______"-Another classic from this party animal will have you speechless if unprepared. The reason this line is so dangerous is that it will immediately grab support from his drunken peers that only hear a confrontation involving a friend and you, who is now "THAT dude". The blank is usually filled with "farted on you" or "had a naked hot sauce fight".

3. "Whatever _____, you used to be down"-This line is usually a distraction method in which he uses when something way more sinister is happening in the party you left unattended to deal with the matter at hand. At this stage in the night if this line is used then I'm assuming frozen foods have been stolen or under aged kids have entered your house/dorm room.

4. "Am I blowing it"?- This line is thrown out there right after something horrible has happened. The answer to this question is almost always Yes, but the fact that he would even ask it throws people off and kind of makes them think he kind of apologized which gives him 10-15 more minutes of solid partying.

5. "Up all night, creek all day"-A classic spoof on Slaughter's "up all night, sleep all day". This is Screamed repeatedly by Yabo and his peers and at this point shirts are off and depending on the night pants may be off as well. The origins of this battle cry are derived from Boulder Colorado's boulder creek, a party haven for Yabo who's spent countless summer days drinking in it's cool and refreshing waters.

another contest update...so, yeah I'm like out of funny ideas

I had the pleasure of going to the "Back to the Banks" contest the other day and it was like a reunion fest 09 repeat all over again, but way more local and cooler. I ran into a few familiar faces and even rekindled a few lost friendships. So here's my recap of the most interesting thing that's taken place at the Brooklyn banks since last year...

I was feeling a little home sick after my return from SF and not seeing all my friends anymore but then suddenly forgot all about them when Zayn showed up at my door. Zayn is like all of my other friends except he's way funnier and an accomplished thief.

Apparently Zayn didn't find the humor in being

in a picture with his friend Joe under the Mcdonalds

ad that says "the new IT couple".

This is Zayn's under aged friend Joe, I wasn't

surprised by the same old antics of Zayn bringing

minors to my house but the new twist on this old

favorite is that this time this one had a duel case

of pink eye and the flue and pussed all over my pillow.

After collecting a hefty amount of I.O.U.'s from Zayn's eating rampage we finally made it to the contest. Joe seemed pretty excited to see all the pro's out there, but was quickly disappointed when I let him know he was just mixing up important people with local losers because of the thick film he had over his eyes. That's when we started seeing all the action!

I saw Brooks standing on this ledge

and approached him to say "hello" but

he kept saying he didn't remember who

I was, I tried to explain but then he flat

out just ignored me.

Reda also ignored me...

But then I ran into Brownlee who was

hyped to see me, which was cool.

I couldn't really see anything going on in the actual contest and decided to just keep wondering around running into people I know or admire. Peter was around somewhere, I think he was on a mission to wash his hands or something...or get sushi. But just when I was worrying about peter, a nobody, Zayn and I ran into a real somebody...

The muska showed up on his bike and

immediately started killing it...well, he

took a bunch of pictures and stuff

He was even nice enough to take a picture

with Zayn.

It was really hard to get a view from where we

were, and Zayn was getting pretty fed up and

cranky.

But Zayn always has a few tricks

up his sleeve

And as quickly as the contest entered my life, it left. Zayn snacked on my food and Joe continued to eject pink eye fluid all over my house. It was hard saying goodbye to them, but the next day they left back to DC on the china town bus...I was alittle worried about Zayn's young friend Joe because of him becoming legally blind and the over all grotesque appearance of his face but I got some muchers from dunken doughnuts and quickly forgot about Joe's horrifying eye's. Get well soon Joe!