"I'm gonna show up"

In what has become sort of trade mark of mine, I quit my job the other day with nothing lined up after it. No prospects, no leads, no friends to recommend me for another job...no friends at all really. When I put in my two weeks notice and walked out of the stock room I felt so empowered until I opened the door and walked out of the store, opened my wallet only to see 15 Colorado IDs I had collected from friends, an expired metro card and a coupon for a restaurant that I'm pretty sure went out of business more then 4 years ago and I realized...I am completely fucked. Later that week I began working through my last two weeks with a new perspective on work that I had never realized, the less you do the better you look.

I came in about thirty minutes late every day, and when I did finally get to work I procrastinated as long as possible. I made small talk with my supervisor, I drew allover the walls of the stock room and I hunted flies downstairs in my socks. In a forty hour work week I think I worked about 2 1/2 hours tops. Every person I worked with was not only impressed by my change of attitude, but insisted I revoke my two weeks notice and stay with the team. These people hated me three days ago, but when I got a "joose" malted beverage at Duane reed across the street and fell asleep under the jackets section of the stock room they all thought it was hilarious and couldn't imagine working without my new "antics". Even my manager took notice of me and asked if I would stay longer, not because I'm a hard worker but she said "you're pretty funny, the first month I didn't even think you knew how to speak English cause you didn't talk and I thought you were gonna shoot the store up".

People at my work got wind of me leaving and came up to me to ask about it. As time went by and my two weeks were winding down, I realized that these two weeks were the best I'd had here in the year I worked there. One of my bosses even asked me to stay a little longer cause she knew I had no back up job, and I accepted. My main boss walked in shortly after and asked when my last day was and asked if I liked cake, this may be a little confusing to some but at my work we have about 6 managers looking over us at all times because were all completely retarded, and I replied "it was gonna be tomorrow but now I'm not sure". Time went on and on what was supposed to be my last day, I called out.

The next day, I came into work thinking nothing of it. I did my usual routine of zoning out for a few hours and avoiding real work until I saw a manager looking at me like I was a ghost. Then I realized, everyone was looking at me like a ghost. People were looking at me and whispering "is that POWERS"? I was confused...until someone told me about the party they had for me the day before. The main boss of my department had bought me an ice cream fudgy the whale cake the day I didn't show up with personalized icing reading "goodbye and good luck Seth, we will all miss you"!!! Luckily, the boss wasn't there the whole day and I was stuck wondering if I still work here or am I just here and not welcome? I work tomorrow at 7am and I decided I'm just gonna show up and see what happens, I mean hopefully this guy doesn't take me quitting and not showing up to my own farewell party and then showing up to work after my last day seriously, right?

An old fashioned flashing...

First things first, I am truly sorry for the lack of stories lately. I've been sleeping on my twenty year old friends futon for the past month and the only time I have to use his laptop is when he goes to the orthodontist to get his braces tighten. Tonight at dinner, this twenty year old told me that his dad said that if said twenty year old ever had a son that I would be sleeping on his couch...jokes on him though cause I'm not even sleeping on a couch so...you know, man. Any who, here's a little insight on what's been going on with me lately.

A few weeks back, on the way to my 6am shift at the stock room I work at on Broadway, I was casually walking down Crosby st. reading the newspaper minding my own business. I say "casually" because I was wearing a Hawaiian shirt and I say "minding my own business" because most people I know are not willing to socialize with me. The streets are completely empty, it's just me and my am new york newspaper. Halfway in reading the "top 5 reasons why we suspect John Mayer may be quiting twitter" I see a jogger approaching me looking me dead in the eye. I thought it was strange at first because he was staring at me pretty hard and I thought "maybe he knows I rubbed deodorant allover this shirt cause I left it under my moldy towel", but then I realized why he was starring at me with that look. As we passed I made eye contact with this man, and as our eyes met he started veering his eyes downward as if he had something he wanted to show me. So, I moved the paper out of my way and low and behold I see a penis in the mans hand and he's shaking it at me. He gives me a little grin and shakes it harder, and stares at me with a little more aggression.

My mind went completely blank, and I just started laughing and I said "what are you doing"? "Are you serious right now"? The man gave a little chuckle and continued the penis shaking...he was really shaking this thing, but with aggression. I don't really know how to describe it but imagine that you were robbing someone with a banana, and for some reason to get your point across you shaked the shit out of it in the persons direction to let them know you were serious, except instead of a banana you were holding your penis. At this point I was just laughing, the man got angry, put his penis away and ran off. I continued to walk to work and kind of forgot about it.

Later that day, I tried to remember if I actually had a man shaking his penis at me or if I somehow dreamed the whole thing. I had to tell somebody about it, so I told this guy I worked with and he didn't really seem to find it as funny as I did. It's pretty crazy how "real" shit gets when a penis is involved, but everyone treated me like I was some kind of victim. "Are you ok"? "Did the penis touch you"? "Was he cumming or something, why was he shaking this darn thing"? After I talked about it, I realized that maybe this wasn't as funny as I thought it was to other people, I mean sure if the penis was wearing a top hat and a monocle and did a evil dance of sorts maybe, but nobody was getting the genius of the penis shake. Also, this man chose me out of everyone else in New York to shake his penis at, like he saw my face and said "Ohhhhh, you're gonna get some penis pal..."

Any who, a jogger walking around in a city filled with millions of people chose me to shake his penis at, so it's kind of ego booster...jealous much?