The official 2009 hunt for the Jersey devil!

The date has been set for June 6th, 2009 to embark on a two day excursion to the scenic New Jersey Pine Barrens in search of the famed creature "the Jersey devil". hundreds of spotting's have been recorded over the course of the past 100 plus years, but this time we will spot the creature while were under the influence of hallucinogenics, beer and friends. Our intentions, though purely scientific, may come across as a threat to this great beast. That's why amongst all of our other possessions, we've packed multiple "we come in peace" picket signs, along with dozens of assorted snacks and soft drinks.

Were also gonna have smores.

For those of you that are not familiar with the Jersey devil, he is truly an exciting creature. If all goes according to plan, on June 9 I will have a two page interview with the devil posted on Farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com complete with everything from how he was spawned to his secret blueberry apple turnover recipe that'll have you saying "that's SINFULLY sweet"! Truly not for the faint of heart, or a diabetic.

An artists rendition of the famed Devil, and after seeing

this painting I am with out a doubt convinced of this

far fetched animals existence.

The beast may brutally and unforgivingly devour

your lifeless body until your awakened in an eternal

nightmare, but you'll find yourself asking for seconds

and even thirds of his famous blueberry apple

turnovers.

So until then this is captain fart humor wishing you a great Friday and encouraging you to find your own mythical creature in your neck of the woods and get great recipes along with stories you'll be telling you grand kids for many minutes upon hours.

Words of wisdom...

Now there's been alot of rumors going around by certian other bloggers saying "Seth's got writers block" or "Seth's fat" or "Seth's drunk" and I just wanted to let everbody know publicly that I do not suffer from anything of mine being blocked by fat, except maybe my heart. Now if your still skeptical, well come on here, I mean I sit here day after day busting my ass to make posts to entertain friends thousads of miles away for little to no respect or a "good job" on facebook, what am I a fucking clown for your entertainment? I circus act for you? You expect a fucking sitcom everytime you log onto farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com? Anywho, my mom wanted to set the table straight with these words...



"Seth does not have writah's block and is a
very handsome boy".

Valerie Powers
"my son rocks"
Denver, Co
Via email

Activity review: laundry day

I've been giving alot back to the community and youth latley and I decided I need to do something for myself, endulge in decidentcies. So I decided to treat myself to some clean threads.

Laundry day is a scary place, feared by many and loved by nobody, I tackled this chore the same way I tackle all enemies...with force and text book accuracy. Though nervous, I gathered my clothes and my bottle of detergent and made the 2 block trek down to the local washery.

Laundry day is an excellent excuse to wear shorts, and shorts are great if you happen to find a pool to swim in on the way to do laundry, but other then that shorts suck.

I'd hate to run into these guys in a dark alley, but I knew I'd need to stick it in em to get the job done.

Time ellapsed slowly while waiting for the washer, my mind was wandering and the locals were suspect. I calmly kept my cool under pressure, and while they kept yelling "white devil" at me I just sat there and continued poking them with my trident and dancing around my pool of lava and fire.

Finally after what seemd like forever, it was time to dry these bitches. I got my pick of the litter and claimed the best dryer, large but not too large, cool but not cocky, this dryer was perfect.

Dexter was a powerfull man, but he purrrred like a kitten after a few dryer sheets. Oh dexter, you softie.

The last and final step was the folding. Lets just say I had that one covered...

Pretty maids all in a row, I folded the hell out of those clothes. And as quickly as I had entered the laudry dungeon as a scared young boy, but I left a man who could now do a woman's chores.

Christmas in May: the gift of ridding

Seeing as it is a couple days from May, I decided it was just about time to get rid of that pesky christmas tree I had in my room. Besides the fact it was attracting wild life and was starting to rot, I wanted to bring some Yule time cheer to the Bushwick area.

At exactly 1 am I mustered my courage and simply gave the camera a one finger salute before decking my apartment buildings halls with balls of holly.

I live on the fourth floor of my building, so carreying this tree down to the street was a sure to be eight crazy nights of fun. But like a bad santa I was sure this would end up being a great christmas story later, or was it a nightmare before christmas? Stuff you stocking with that...

exibiting brute strength in ridding my house of Christmast past

around this point of the mission I really wished that I was jewish and only had to throw away a stupid minora, but carrying on with the strength of 5 baby Jesus's to keep me on the right track.

Besides leaving a trail of mini branches leading to my doorway,which later got me busted, the mission was a success. So I decided to celebrate with a well deserved smoke break. And what better way to smoke then with Camels Light blend, turkish domestic bold body and the smoothness you expect from Camel. Camel lights, a man's smoke.

Joey and I enoying that trademarked kickass soothe

farthumorquarterlyzine.funnyspot.com's guide to blogging

I'm feeling better after my punch to the cranium and I'm ready to share my thoughts with my three followers of this mediocre blog. I get allot of questions(mainly from a certain Asian pie who shall remain nameless) asking "Hey Seth, your hilarious and awesome...wanna be my best friend and teach me how to blog"? The answer is simple...YES. So here are a few tips I can give my followers that I've learned from my 15 seconds of Internet blogging fame.

1.Stalling- This is a crucial step in any novice wanna be blogger successor. Good ideas don't just come to you out of thin air, you gotta sit and ponder that shit. When you think you got a funny idea, stall and do everything else you gotta take care of around the house to avoid updating the blog. Trust me, I know from experience man.

2. Hype- Anybody who's an everybody is a hype man. You think random joe schmos are gonna read your blog based on literary genius alone? No, you gotta talk about your blog non stop and update your facebook status with stuff like "CHECK THIS OUT!" or "I FUCKING LOL'D AT....". Before you know it your gonna have all kinds of assholes writing you saying "man I literally lol"d

at your last post, even if it totally sucked.

Bombard your friends status updates with your face and a brief message.

3. Make fun of your friends- Sure you love them and you wanna spend countless nights gushing out your every secret and desire with them but when you need to entertain a crowd you gotta roast the fuck out of one of your friends in order to make the rest laugh. Sure you'll receive a couple of hateful texts and a couple of broken hearts but in the long run you'll look back and say "god BLANK was so gay for getting all offended and stuff".

Look at me I'm Clay Im sexy, pshh what is he even doing here?

4. Obscure movie references and kooky words- Whenever the opportunity arises to bring up a movie that completely sucked but everybody has watched and not talked about for years, bring it up. "This is worst then the time I watched Dunston checks in" or "How's the booger circus working out". References like these will not only let people know your retro, but they'll also let everybody know your witty er and more kooky then them.

Bringing up movies such as "dunston checks in" is sure to bring laughs.

5. Paying off friends- In today's generation of kids watching "the office" and "cribs", their humor glands have a more(or less) sophisticated pallet. That's why more importantly then all other steps you need to bribe the grape vine. Soon enough everybody will be buzzing about what's so funny over at exampleblog.madeupetc.fart.

6.Where is the love- take a second to just think about how groovy it'd be if we could all get together and live in peace as one, a joined unit under one truth to be held self evident...this was a fake step, the real step is you need to let everyone know you smoke marijuana. Mike katz smokes marijuana and writes hit blog posts, what have you ever done?

A buzzed Katz "getting the Led out"

Lets make some justice cake, with punishment frosting

As I drunkinly stumbled out of the G train station near broadway last night, and I successfully purchased my sweet and sour chicken with garlic sauce combo plate, I was blissfully unaware of what sinister act would follow. I skated, well i wouldn't call it skateing...more like coasting at a low low speed for an extended amount of time, past a night club where a big man bothered me about trying my skateboard. My hand's were full, I had the remainders of a 12 pack in one hand and a bag of chinese food in the other, the man did what any kind hearted citizen would do...he punched me in the temple. This giant mongaloid mutant looking man punched me in the head, and it really hurt. So, I drew this sketch up to help any of my friends in the NYC area steer clear of this feather ruffler.

A black/hispanic/possible alien from outer space, man who's whereabouts are somewhere in NYC, about 5'5-6'2 who weighs alot, wearing clothing that was from what I remember "baggy and either navy colored or some sort of brownish black". It's a long shot but I think this discription just might be enough to get this guy.

If you run into a black or hispanic man in NYC who asks you any sort of question involving my skateboard in any way my suggestion would be to call the authourities or be a hero and capture him.

Lets clean up these streets and remember were all cut from the same cloth, God's color blind cloth of friendship.

Peace, one love,

SP

Giving back to the children or young adults with skill...

News travels fast in NYC, approximately 2X faster then other places that aren't NYC. So when I was approached by Billy Rohan to sponsor and spice up his King of Spring skateboard show, it was a no brainer...I would, for a price. After giving me complete "artistic freedom" and more importantly when the parks and recreation department gave me the $3,000 grand prize money to come up with an even cooler, more even funner grand prize with a little more heart and zing I came up with this...

The super secret grand prize for this years King of Spring contest will be a 2 night mandatory slumber party at the farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com 1 bedroom, 1 bath shared mansion!

The fun starts right when you walk through the door, and you see where you'll be resting your head in our kitchen that's been completely transformed into a 5 star lodging experience.

No need to bring a sleeping bag, we got you covered in our luxurious cotton guest blanket.

Free continental breakfast served every morning from one of the area's finest dining establishments. Not bad eh?

Complete freedom to explore the confines, no scratch that, the compound of the farthumor mansion where you"ll be spending the next 48 hours in our 5 star lock down.

Bathroom tokens will be received upon good behavior, and relieving yourself has never be so easy in our "urban" themed communal bathroom space.

*fabreeze available but not pictured

Just when you thought you'd had enough, you'll be begging for mercy when our special guests arrive. Who are these two men joining you in your already cramped quarters, hmmm I don't know...only the Clay kessack and Peter Wiener who were featured on the blog, here for a special meet and greet.

The Clay Pie was thrilled to be in on

my meet and greet, thumbs up!

Peter hasn't exactly agreed about joining

in for the slumber party, but I'm

assuming he has no plans from now until

April 20 when the winner is announced.

So I broke into my Girlfriends work email...

and I found this email in Laces computer. Knowing the seriousness of this email, I was so scare.

Product Review: Clay Kessack's friendship

When I first got this product in my life, I would have given it five stars with a life time warranty of Laughs, good times, and lots of pillow talk. But ever since they started selling these items in NYC, my beloved Clay has had major deffects. Here's a few things that I've pin pointed so maybe you can contact your local manufacturer about your Clay Kessack.

1. Shortly after I got my Clay Kessack I noticed it had a need to start tagging all of the sudden. In the manuel though, it stated "your Kessack may adapt to new trends and gimmicks that become popular at time of purchase", so naturally I just let it slide. When I brought my kessack to NY however I was unaware that it would start "beat boxing". This concerned me...

Kessack acting out in the form of "beat boxing"

2. My Clay has been disobediant in other areas too. When I took my Clay out for a fun packed day of joy in Williamsburg, which normally he would love with the thrift and toy stores and all, he refused taking a playfull Myspace.com photo with me. This had me concerned, seeing as I wanted to show this photo off to my 246 online friends....do you think they want to see this?

Right when I clicked the capture button on my camera phone, My Clay covered his face! : (

3. I was excited to take the Colorado based product to a local skate spot, but when we arrived there he seemed irritable and adjitated. What followed was the Kessack snaked me on a front board, this had me very very upset as you can tell by my hand gestures in the photo below.

I couldn't believe my eyes

4. I looked through the manuel about 3 times and came across nothing coming close to my next problem with the Kessack, the sudden name change. I've been calling my product "Clay Kessack" for years now and then out of the blue he starts referring to himself as "the Clay pie". I specifically told the salesman I wanted nothing to do with a product that refers to himself in the third pastry.

You can let the "Clay pie" sit on the window sill for as long as you like, but this pie is still gonna have a piping hot attitude while joining you for a stroll through the park.

5. I like my purchased chums to have a low maintance factor, but since the move to NYC my Clay has needed major accesories purchases. From loafers to anklets, the Clay has cost me a pretty penny in these hard times.

Clay sporting a costly set of italian dress shoes that he demanded from me. "I don't wear skate shoes out to the bar". This cost me to sacrafice multiple personal possesions, one being my magic set.

6.The last straw. A couple nights ago all the malfunctions culminated into my precious Clay ditching me for another. I begged and pleaded, but at the end I had to act like an adult and wish my Clay the best. I think I did the more mature thing.

Though I was deeply saddened, I had to let the Clay know that he's welcome back anytime and that he holds a place in my heart. I waved him off and he was on his way.

Wishin' you a wicked easter sunday...

Meet our founder and C.E.O...

I sat down with the C.E.O of farthumorquarterly to ask a few questions on how he came up with the idea for the blog, as well as to to ask him why he used to dress they way he did. So here he is ladies and gentlemen...(just guys I'm assuming)

interview by Ray Pissed

RP-Hi Seth. What can you tell me about this first photo here?

Seth-Oh, wow..well, I was going to a birthday party and the theme was "regrets". Maybe that wasn't the theme though cause i don't regret this. Anywho, the theme isn't important. What is important is that I was having a blast at a birthday bash.

RP-Birthday bash? How mature...the theme is indeed not important. What is important is what is on your head?

Seth-At one point I considered it an acceptable hair style.

RP-you looked like if Judah friedlander was a lesbian, did you learn your lesson?

Seth-no it actually got worse at one point. These questions are pretty harsh by the way...

RP-There stern...but fair

Seth-further down the line a friend of mine said I looked like barf from spaceballs, so that tells you the state I was in.

RP-(rolling on floor laughing) (ROFLing if you will). How did you get the idea for the blog? Do you think your first couple of posts were flukes and the rest are gonna bomb? I do...

Seth-I've always loved farts and telling jokes. The blog is more about "my sense of humor", which most people I've come across instatnly hate. That and I stole various ideas from others

(yells at someone in distance to get him toilet paper, becomes obvious he's taking a shit while we speak)

RP-Life must be good for a guy when the highlights of his day are going out to play and then coming home to update his blog about farts.

Seth-Hey, it pays the bills

RP-No it doesn't

Seth-yeah, your right...it does not

Seth-Hello? Hello? I dropped the phone...

RP-ok, what exactly was going on in this photo? You have very nice legs by the way, like glue sticks with hair.

Seth-I, like most guys my age and hetero sexual preference, went through a daisy duke phase. It's really not a big deal.

RP- I see...Do you think you could sit any more effeminitley? Your hair was "barf" esque.

Seth-Besides if I ever were to have sex with a dude, this photo is the gayest thing I've ever done. So I guess I do have one regret about this era in my life...I should not have hung out at meta so much.

RP-exactly how many braclets were you wearing at your peak? How did your "colorado friends" still hang out with you?

Seth-I had like 10 on each arm at one point. I think they had faith that one day I'd change...and they liked making fun of me. (giggling in back round, Seth begins talking like woody allen and insists that it's now his mother on the phone...more giggling)

RP-Yes, you had me fooled. Thank you for doing this interview with me over the phone Seth, it was "fun". Who would you like to thank?

Seth-(Sighs) well, thanks for fucking that up. Thanks are for pussies, here's my sponsors:

Austin's treasure chest pt.1

My friend Austin gave a strange child candy late one night at the theatre he works at. A year and a half later he recieved this letter from a very, very, very, very, very, very sorry boy...

IN YOUR FACE! with Joe Somar...

Joe is in the process of sending me his contributions for the blog, so until then here are some pictures of what Joe's been up to...

Joe got really inspired by all the DIY tattoo pics he's been seeing around latley so he decided to take a stab at one himself, sweet tatt dude!

"I really am depressed"...oh Joe, you so crazy!