1. Astronaut: This sounds pretty far fetched even to me, but then I started thinking about it more and more. The rigorous testing is basically carnival rides that I can train for at coney island, I love eating dehydrated food while floating and I look really good in a jump suit. Based off of every training film I've watched for this, Armageddon to be more specific, all I basically have to do is be a bad ass with a heart of gold, check, have no experience in flying a multi million dollar air craft, check, and fall in love with a rock star's daughter, not so check. If a monkey can do it and even a chick then I think I'd at least be an average space man.
Insert funny caption...I've resorted to
back sass t shirt lines.
2. Pro wrestler: Have you seen the WWE lately...it's in pretty sad shape. All I'm saying is they could use one less rapping buff guy in a thong and one more 20 something Italian smart ass that loves snacking. I already have a name of the "junk food kid" picked out and I could blow pork rind dust into my opponents eyes and my championship belt can be made of Dickie's and have a gold embroidered face of the Andy Caps chip guy. Plus I talk allot of shit, like so much shit.
I mean he seems like a nice enough guy,
but come on, he's had his time.
3. Drugs: This one is pretty general and open ended. I could sell them, ship them or just start doing them. Anything to just block out the sadness which has become my life really. I made one attempt at selling fake cocaine at a party but my friends immediately thought I was just kidding and being "funny" so I was just left with a baggie of baking powder which totalled me in at a slight loss.
No matter how street smart they look, somebody
will end up buying my stash.
4. inventions: I have been trying to come up with or steal a good idea for some new inventions or technologies for as long as I can remember, but it turns out my friends are pretty set on talking about beer. I did come up with an idea for a bug repellent hat but was quickly told that they sell them in the "sky mall" magazine that they have on airplanes, which I claim to have invented also.
Looks just as happy as I had
pictured when I designed it.
5. Mugging people: I've known for quite some time now that I'm not very intimidating looking to people I try to scare. In the right circumstance though, and in a mask I thought i could pull it off. This also back fired when the kid I stuck up pulled out a sling shot and stole my wallet which had my subway sandwich shop rewards card in it, with enough hole punches to cash in on a free foot long. Needless to say, the meatball marinara is not in my immediate future.
Kids are way too hard to rob
these days.
What can I say, I tried my hardest and I just couldn't come through. One day I"ll look back and laugh as I tell these tales to my poverty stricken children as they desperately huddle around our barell of fire to stay warm. They however will have a steady income to bring back to our alley from their chimney sweeping jobs, because chimneys will always need a sweeping my friends...always.
