Tuesday, April 19, 2011

You've waited 364 days, now show how 420 friendly you are and out chill them all!

It's 420 eve right now and I'm feeling particularly festive for the upcoming celebration to take place. For decades this one holiday has brought together respectable people from all walks of life. Long boarders, mushroom drawing artists, alternative nerds, collectors of wizard memorabilia, and if you live in boulder Colorado then your parents will be right along side of you taking that hit for freedom. I mean, you get high everyday anyway but this is 420 man, show the whole world that the weed smokers can have a holiday that's as/if not more second hand embarrassing then the drunks with saint Patrick's day. Now grab your pipes and hookahs and gas masks, put on something comfortable and read these five tips on making your 420 the first one to remember.

1. Dress accordingly: Theres gonna be allot of stoners out there tomorrow so your gonna need to really step up your game in the dressing department to really impress your fellow dankers. Hats need be festive, whether that be rasta colored dread bags or weed leaf print visors you need to let people know where you priorities are...and where the budz at. A safe call for shirts would be going political, a hope Obama tee, the classic Che or the Buck Fush stand by. I wouldn't recommend pants, but if you have no other choice then go extremely baggy and preferably with patch work on them. My obvious choice would be the cargo short with it's relaxed fit and abundance of pockets you ll be good to stash hella paraphernalia and really show everyone the variety in your pipe department, because hey we both know one measly pipe ain't enough, jah know what I'm sayin?

2. Get enough rest the night prior: You don't wanna end up oversleeping you're holiday away and every minute waisted is a minute you could have spent high, or talking about getting or being high. I've seen too many fellow pot enthusiasts fall victim to being sleepy from the night before and can't handle the immense amount of chilling that can take place on 420. If your still tired after you wake n bake then simply just do more drugs or mix drugs. Dude, it's four twan...you won't get hurt trust me, I'm a Dr...Dr. Feel good that is.

3. Try to remember: this is the day you've been training for all year now show off what you've learned. Gather all of your epic tales of smoking and what the outcome was. Remember, it's not about the quality of the story but the quantity of your stories. Mention how high you were, who else was baked and mention who was being a buzz kill. This is also a good time to get bonus points by sharing you theories on which cartoon characters you think smoke, teachers and bosses you suspect of being stoned and also blow smoke into your dog or cats face. Now you're pet has no choice but to be as irie as you.

4. Food: Probably one of the most crucial parts of the whole day, the munchies. Make sure you've borrowed enough money off you square pops to fully support your food fix today. Go big, order allot and mix foods. Try to head to holiday friendly restaurants like 'cheeba hut' to keep it local. I would recommend the footlong white widow, a special brownie with a large cotton mouth quencher as a starter. Also, make sure to mention how high you are or the cashier is just gonna think your some normal customer...get chill and let the giggles flow.

5. Do whatever you want: The most important tip I can give you is to disregard all common sense and well fare for anybody but yourself. Drive high, operate heavy machinery high, etc. Blast the bob marley out of your back pack with speakers while long boarding through traffic, pass out in fields, openly smoke out of your lizard pipe in public, flick off cops and other old people. It's a little known fact that it's actually illegal for a cop to arrest someone on 420 if they're having a good time. Watch weed themed movies, loiter on St. Marks, start a protest about 9/11 at union square.

However you spend your day tomorrow I hope you keep it green, go hydro, don't catch an edge and keep it chill.
One love,

Friday, April 15, 2011

Makeing it in NYC: The kings of the food court.

You know how the song goes, if you can make it here then you can make it anywhere. I have been living here for while now and I can honestly say that I have not made it here and chances are I may not make it anywhere. The same cannot be said for a couple of guys that I know who seem to have it all out here in the big apple. Rich and Canyon Duff have skyrocketed off the charts as of late and I want to take a closer look at what it might be like to live like these two celebs amongst friends that I used to know.

Let's start things off with where these two work...the 9th street espresso at the prestigious Chelsea market. I know what your thinking, what's the big deal? Don't they just pour coffee at the food court of the worlds most pretentious mall? You'd be dead wrong...the Chelsea market is full of C list celebrities, the mid wests wealthiest single mothers and even Europeans! All of the other boutiques in the mall gather around 9th street to get there java fix, from the nice people at the organic sock stand to the chefs at the lobster on a stick Boothe. And 9th street espresso's got prim real estate in the mall conveniently located across from the fountain and to the left of the bathroom. That's not all, for just a few dollars more per cup you can have a real life zany New Yorker pouring your coffee. It could be an artist, a part time lesbian or even someone with dyed hair...pretty wild stuff. Oh, and if your wondering about how the coffee is then hear it from the source: "Dis be da best coffee in the funking world"-Canyon Castator, coffee/espresso scientist, "The coffee is like...drinking wood"-Rich Duff, barista genius.

And it only gets more decadent after work lets out. Going to bars that have no name or require a password to get in, buying sweaters, talking about coffee, going to Serena's, painting yourself naked, hanging at work on your free time, eye rolling or just funking around town. The key to making it in this town is to keep things exclusive, you don't need to have all your friends around you to have a good time because you'll be making new friends in no time, and they're obscure ironic joke references are real side splitters...just make sure they don't rip the denim shirt.

Do you like what you hear? I know I do and I can't wait till I can land the job of a life time. It's hard to comprehend for most, and seems like a pipe dream to me but maybe I'm not cut out to be a NYC superstar. For now I'm just gonna keep reaching for the stars and maybe I'll be in a cool mall too, I'll just keep pedaling out snowboards for now.

Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Romance novels vs Urban Literature

For anyone who has ever grazed through one, then you know how ridiculous romance novels are. The cover is almost always a Fabio-esque character either on horse back or part horse, centaur if you will, sweeping some woman off her feet in a meadow or a shoe store and then 200 pages of soft core pornography. I used to think that these books were the most embarrassing things on the market, that is before I discovered Urban literature. Urban literature are romance novels for black people and filled with all kinds of wildly offensive stereotypes about both black and white culture. Here are a few book synopsis' I've come up with for both.

Romance novel: "Only at night"

Katherine is a stay at home mom. Her husband John is a successful adviser on wall st and is on the road most of the time. The one joy she found was through reading her favorite books, hopelessly romantic tales of women just like her getting swept away from their mundane lives and taken on an erotic adventure. She didn't think anything of the books, just harmless fun right? That is until she herself was taken into a world she'd only read about. Join Katherine as she's swept away from suburbia by a tall olive knight named Armando who's time traveled to capture Katherine for the purpose of making love on every battle field he and his army of hunks enter. But there seems to be trouble in paradise as she quickly finds out she is the apple of more than one knights eye and her knight in a shining loin cloth, Armando, turns out to be the jealous type. Who will win Katherine's heart, and what will happen when her husband John enters the mix...

Urban literature: "Good girlz do bad thangz"

Chantel and her husband had it all. She was the best prosecutor in the entire state of Florida. Her husband Tyrece, former NBA center and current brain surgeon couldn't be happier with the ways things were going. That is unitl the streets started calling and Chantel had to answer. Growing up things weren't always this easy, she clawed her way to the top and hustled along the way. Only now her past is about to come back in the form of Darnell, the 6'5 super model drug lord ex boyfriend who needs Chantel to accompany him as he embarks on his biggest drug deal yet...the white house. Thangz get tricky when feelings spark again with her old flame, only Tyrece aint going down like no sucker. Right before the white house deal goes down Darnell get's into a car accident and is brought to the ER only to have Tyrece left with the choice to save his life or smoke him.

I can't decide which one I would rather buy, both sound like books I can't wait to read on the train in front of other people.

Monday, February 21, 2011

Draft 1:The crying girl and the Blue man group tickets

I went through my posts recently and stumbled across stories that were never posted for one reason or another, some are really angry or hurtful ones that I knew I couldn't post and others were just not sounding right. Here's one of them, I remember I just couldn't write it as funny as it actually was.

The other day I was walking downtown and remembered a story that I had completely forgot about until I saw the sign with the Blue faces staring me down. This takes place a few months back so my memory is a little hazy, insert weed joke, or shall I say "purple hazy". Here is the tale of the blue men and the blue girl.

I had just about made my rounds of picking up hangers and sorting them into a giant trash can on wheels when I got to the last floor of the building and ran into Emily, a visual designer from London, whom I was obligated to say hello to every time I saw her because I said it one time months prior. I asked how she was doing, she never asked me because my response was not the one people want to hear when they ask that because mine was never good, and this time she was not doing so well either. She explained how it was her and her husbands anniversary coming up and she had got them two tickets to see the Blue man group live. This of course sounded like a nightmare and I tried to leave but she made it too awkward for me to walk away. She explained that they loved watching Arrested development and as a surprise to her husband she picked up the Blue man group tickets and planned to get extremely high and go to the show. Unfortunately, her husband was stranded in London or something and there was the dilemma. She started crying and I had to idea how to comfort her so I didn't. With tears streaming down fer face and snot running into her mouth she offered me the tickets and I took them.
I thought the whole thing was really funny and I thought that it was great that she pictured me as the main demographic that the blue men catered to. I wasn't and neither was my girlfriend, this became really obvious as me made our way to the theatre the night of the show and stood in line with a hundred German tourists shouting about "zet blue man goop". The tickets were in the front row and we got rain coats to put on. The show commenced and I slouched down in my chair the same way I did throughout school, praying that I wouldn't get picked on stage to chuck marsh mellows down this blue mans throat. They played pvc pipe drums that sprayed paint all over the place, did mime style stand up, had weird movie clips that explained they're from another planet...the girl at my work was right, I should have gotten high. I may have not gotten high but I ate like I was.

The show ended and I exited the theater feeling weird. The tickets were a hundred dollars each and I had an ok time. The girl came up to me for days after asking me how it was in detail and she was not impressed with my review and she got angry and cried. She was kind of always crying and then she moved back home shortly after. Now that I think back It was actually pretty fun.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Top 5 things that are pretty cool but have the worst following...

Sometimes life can be cruel. Every so often you can stumble onto something that is funny or entertaining or kewl but the people who are obsessed with it make it crusty or embarrassing. Here are five things that I've noticed that are ruined by the people who support or engage in it.

1. Mitch Hedberg: I can't deny that I do find Mitch Hedberg's stand up funny when I can get myself to listen to it. You know what's not funny? The chubby guy with bad posture sporting a visor beanie constantly quoting bits of his stand up out of context. I happen to work with a guy like this, and when he's not bragging about the blunt he rolled before work, he's repeating some joke that doesn't tie into any part of reality. "Hey ______, can you go meet the FedEx guy downstairs"? "You can't please everybody and last night they were all in my audience...Mitch Hedberg, man". What does that mean? The way I see it is the least Mitch Hedberg could have done before he died was take all of his die hard fans with him.

2. Sex: I used to love sex up until last night. After drunkenly coming home to watch Seinfeld my roommate came home with a girl and I was awoken to the sounds of my awkward friends orgasm moaning through the plaid sheet that we call a door. Horrified, I opted to sleep on the cum stained futon in the living room. I literally laid awake with the blanket over my head like you do when you're five and you think there's a monster in the house...or like you do when you're 25 and Peter Goldberg. I guess it's no more awkward then pretending that we don't hear each other JOing all the time... my life sucks.

3. Skateboarding: No other activity could attract so many degenerates on earth like skateboarding. Whether you're stopped on the train, street, bodega they will feel comfortable enough to approach you and "rap" about how they used to/currently "shortboard" and how it opened their eyes to alien abductions and eastern medicine. If it weren't for my love of both, and ying yangs, I don't know how I could put up with it.

4. Dollar slice: If you live in NYC and you've been to St. Marks then you know about the infamous dollar slice. "Two brothers pizza"to be more specific is an oasis to all jugalos, teen age punks on dates, train hoppers, scratch ticket enthusiasts and heroin addicts alike. It's also visited by people like me, thrifty assholes who will accept a lesser quality product for a cheaper price. How can I sit there and enjoy shoveling that wet diaper of a slice into my gullet when two 14 year olds with pantyhose arm stockings and dinner plates in their ears are finger fucking in the corner, chin beard Mcgee with the "voices in my head tell me what to do" t shirt is shotgunning his third mountain dew and the seven year old kid finally makes his round to me trying to bum a cigarette?

5. Weed: I have nothing against the idea of getting high at all, in fact sometimes it can be kind of fun. My problem is with the culture around it and the endless paraphernalia that follows it. Say what you will about harder street drugs but none of them are on t-shirts, belt buckles, flags, guitars, tire flaps next to the truck nuts and the sticker of Calvin pissing on George Bushes face and giving you the middle finger. More then 90% of the time I can tell that someone is really into getting high without the novelty "McCronalds" shirt on. I know the day when people can just get high discreetly is very unlikely so until then whoever has the rights to the picture of a pot leaf and has 4:20 trademarked is gonna continue to make millions to fund their chill lifestyle.

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Zayn, Zayn, Zayn...

Zayn, you have some explaining to do...

I just logged into my facebook page and received this message, enjoy...

Looks like ol' Zayn got himself into another pickle...