throw away footage cause all's we get is garbage

Out of the kindness of my heart

Continuing on the theme of the last post, I have more stories from the man, the myth, the legend that is my father, the man who helped spawn yours truly. These next couple of stories are some of my favorites that have stuck with me since I was a child. So with out further a do, heres another story to brighten your day.

The Coney island freak friend show.

Growing up in Bay ridge, BK, my father lived with all girls and his mother. A loaner of sorts, he seeked desperately to find a friend that was a) was not a part of his family b) was not one of his sisters, who as he described them spent their entire lives in the bathroom just to bother him and that all 8 of them were all supermodels....

It can be tough being a kid, and he had it even worse being as he was super fat. He would always tell me how he would have to work twice as hard to be super funny so that people would like him and not just think as the "fat kid" which looking back on my own child hood was true, I mean it's one thing when a fat kid in zip off pants, a bowling shirt and a rat tail is entertaining you. But when said fat kid is just trying to hangout and "talk", well that shit just can't fly.

So, on what seemed to be one of his many excursions to Coney island to have a fun packed afternoon of larfs and the freak show, my dad was in for a surprise. Instead of bringing home 5 hot dogs and a basket of onion rings, he had brought home a best friend known only as "the wolf boy". He began to explain to me that he was not in fact a wolf, but just a kid with a ton of hair all over him...ahhhh, so he's not actually part wolf part boy huh, even when I was 5 I felt like I was being patronized a little. He began hanging out with the wolf boy more and more and before you knew it, they became best friends. So, like most best buds he had asked the wolf boy over for dinner with a warning attached about grandpa and his lack of sensitivity towards but not limited to blacks, jews, asains, fat people, skinny people, indians, everyone in my family, himself and especially wolf boys. If there's one thing I remember from the tales of pappy, it's that he hated wolf people.

As the Dinner began, Pappy immediately asked why his bowl of pasta wasn't being served to him on the floor considering that he's a dog. Wolfboy continued to eat the almost uneatable pasta from my grandmothers, this is a subject of many stories in itself always ending in "how the hell she thought you could boil meat balls I don't know", my father tried changing the subject but it's hard to Vere peoples attention away from the elephant in the room, especially if that elephant looks like teen wolf. With the mix of the food, a gaggle of supermodel sister staring, and Pappy on fire in his joke department Wolfboy quickly got up and ran back to the tent covered beaches of Coney island and back to his family. He was comforted by the bearded lady, the strongest man alive tried desperately to lift his spirits, the stretchy skin guy offered a helping hand, and the guy with no limbs kinda just laid there.

That was the last time my father saw wolfboy, and nobody was happier then Pappy. Until one hot summer day when walking from the Bronx in Manhattan all the way to Bay ridge Brooklyn all for a nickel off baseball cards( insert the "sometimes it's worth the trip Seth"...) Dad glanced at a news paper that just so happened to be on the page that read "wolf boy dead". His death however was a mystery, I think dad tried telling me that he suffocated on his own hair which I liked, but I'm also pretty sure there was a version where he was leaving Nathans hot dog stand and caught a stray silver bullet.

The End

I'm king of the world!

I would like to start off this post by saying that I do not consider myself a liar. I think that I was born with a special gift of storytelling, and when reminiscing about certain events they may seem at times a bit embellished. I guess I got this gift from my late father who was the best storyteller I've ever met. Growing up, I would love listening to his stories and be so fascinated with the idea that in my dads world there really was no distinction between reality and fantasy and anything can, and in the story would, happen. So, here is the first of "my dad's stories and ideas that can't believe actually happened".

"The titanic horse"

Before I begin this story I want to point out that up until I re told this story to a friend the other night did I realize how absurd this whole situation actually was and even more ridiculous is that I totally bought the whole thing up until yesterday. My dad was a pack rat, and in true pack rat fashion his home away from home was the salvation army. Convinced this is how were gonna get rich, my dad would buy everything from old pezz dispensers to ashtrays, vintage toilet seat covers, mannequins, rollerskates, exercise equipment etc. This is around the time that ebay first came out, so he really went all in on buying a bunch of shit that we didn't want/need/know existed. I'm pretty sure the whole time of this ebay fiasco which lasted up until the day he passed he only made like $48.50. Though it was super embarrassing being the family with a lawn covered in junk, it kept my mom pissed enough to not notice the terrible stuff my brother and I were doing, like lighting random fires and killing skunks.

So, one day my dad comes home with the find of a lifetime. It was a statue of some kind covered in sand that he bought at salvation army it smelled like "the ocean". This thing was left to soak in a cooler full bleach/water/broken dreams for about I don't know, like a year before the sand began to fall off. What was starting to become visible was that this was indeed a sculpture of a glass horse. This meant of course that this was a relic from the titanic. How he landed on that theory was beyond me, until I realized that my dad smoked allot of weed when I was growing up. One day, my brother was sneaking to the closet to get "something", I say something like that because until this day I don't think he'd admit that he was getting this old comic book that my dad had called the "peep show" with 3d images of ladies in bras, yeah, it was pretty awesome. So, reaching for the vintage hogan magazine, my brother knocked the cooler and broke the legs off the horse. My brother knew that he was fucked, my dad hadn't stopped talking about this god damn horse since he found it, I mean he would bring friends over to smoke weed and then stare at this amazing horse.

Heartbroken, my dad tried desperately to fix his white whale, but alas it was gone. My dad never forgave me nor my brother for the horse incident and anytime we would need money he would say "well if you didn't break the horse" or "you know how many pizza rolls the horse was worth" or "god, I loved that horse". According to him, my college fund was broken in that cooler. My dad was shattered man, that was until he bought a warehouse full of expired all sports soft drinks, star bucks mocha's and a hover craft at a blind auction on my birthday, but that's a different story.

www.thecobrasnake.com

Just when I thought my two friends Clay and Bart couldn't get any cooler, they show me a thing or two and get significantlly cooler and studlyer. Apparently these rascals were at a party last night with the social allite of NYC and for some reason, I wasn't invited. I can see why though, because I do hate drinking with friends in a social setting and I really don't have any dress up clothes.

I know, I made the same mistake too. Gabe

isn't wearing formal clothes like Clay but he

is dressed like the smog strangler.

I tried calling Clay to ask how it felt to be up on the site but he didn't pick up my call, kind of been happening allot with him lately...maybe his phone is messed up or something. Iphones are notorious for not adhering to basic functions like ringing when a great friend is calling, but they are really good for tweetering and they have that cool application that makes gun noises. If I had an Iphone, which will probably never happen considering I am the only person who speaks english and is over the age of 14 who still has a "boost mobile" account, I would download the best friend app that calls your best friends up and lets them know that your having the time of your life and you want to share the wealth...that's the kinda app that I would buy if it was under $2.99.

Also, another great friend was attending this party that I've read so much about. Bart Strang, the Bart Strang that has "el barto" tattooed on his left butt cheek, was there and it looked like he had a blast. Man, I bet everybody at that party probably had a really great time cause it looked like allot of fun. It's too bad I didn't hear about it, cause Bart also has an Iphone too so maybe it's been on the fritz latley like Clays. For three hundred dollars these phones are really bad about recieving and making calls to best friends about parties that look like the most fun I'd ever have.

Judging by this enormous smile, I'm just gonna

assume that bart had a terrible time without

me.

Didn't look like that much of a

blast...

Well, yeah I'm glad I didn't go to that party because I woul...I wouldn't have eve...I I can't stop crying. I don't need those guy.. ohh god, I I I (sobbing) hate thi...(boogers) uhhhhhhh (both sobbing and boogers, some hunger noises from my stomach but thats unrelated). Oh boy, all that crying and blowing my noise was a bad idea, especially onto Rich's laptop.

Sorry guys, I.O.U one blog post, this one sucks.

A long time of thinking about doing it, and one afternoon free...

FHQZ's guide to: your job

I've been working in retail for about five years now and I feel I pretty much know almost everything there is to know about this kind of job. In high school, I failed almost every class that had nothing to do with art, bowling, or "study hall". but had there been a class taught souly on sorting out hangers for nine hours a day I'm pretty sure I would have totally aced it. I also would also gotten high marks in inventory, folding clothes, general back stocking and I would major in walkie checks. Some of my friends haven't had as much experience in this, others haven't even had a job in their lives...I won't name names. So here's a break down of the who's who in your future job.

The Manager-This person does not like you because your hilarious. Though you too are kind of fat, she is super fat and has no real sense of humor about it and gets all up tight when you call her out on it. Her ultimate goal throughout the day is to remind you of the one time you didn't do this or the other time you ruined that. She doesn't understand that you don't always have to be working or even "awake" on the job, she totally flips out when she catches you napping under the sweaters, it's like chill out dude.

Assistant Manager-This person does way more work then the actual manager, but is a little fatter and has a really low self esteem. Even though you don't actually know this person, you quickly learn that their whole life has been spent as either the "side kick" or the runner up. You start to kind of identify and feel bad for this person, but then they call you out on something and embarrass you at a team meeting in front of everybody and then your like "fuck this bitch...and I know it was you that totally blew up the ground floor bathroom this morning".

Random people that are always in the managers office- You don't know what they do exactly, but their always in the manger's office either chatting or eating. If you try to ask who they are or what they do at the store you will always get the "just worry about what you have to do". Though it is a mystery at first, you had it exactly right the first time, this gaggle of the fashion worlds waste were actually hired to sit and eat expensive food and talk about tv shows you've never heard of. It's looks like a pretty awesome job, but to get it you have to be the cousin of some famous dude.

Visual decorators of the store-These chicks have been up for like 6 hours but they haven't been working, they've just been doing blow in the fitting room. A couple of them went to art school but majored in something weird like performing arts or art history. You'll always hear them talking about how crazy the night before was and how much shit went down and your like "wow, they seem pretty awesome" but then you realize that most of them are like 30+ years old and one may or may not have a couple kids...doing jello shots off their grateful dead back piece.

Cashier-"Welcome to Mcdonald....Oh, wait welcome to Blank clothing supplies". All of these people are either gay or girls, they all look down on you and they all have huge aspirations of being A) movie star B) model C) fashion designer or if all else some how fails they can always become a doctor/lawyer in no time. About 90 percent of their last jobs were fast food but then they got the hunch to make it big in fashion. They all look down on you because your fine with looking at this job as just a way to get money and not a big deal, jokes on you when they become famous one of these days....right?

Stock worker-Stick out your finger and touch your nose, can you do it? Congratulations, you got the job. The only prerequisite you need for this job is that your alive and breathing, and preferably that you can't read. Probably where your gonna end up if your reading this, you'll love the benefits that come along with the job. You make slightly more then pan handling with less respect from your peers. "Attention stock workers, there is a toilet over flowing in one of the fitting rooms. Bring a mop and a PLUNGER." And I got the lovely nick name "little white bitch", has a ring to it huh?

So if there's anything you've learned from this it's that you should definitely take that job as a lawyer/doctor/professional athlete. It sounds way cooler.

why have the best when you could have the rest

Picture this, the year is 2010. Cars are powered by gasoline, video game systems are powered by con edison, con edison is powered by your mom cause you live in her basement still, beer comes in a can that when the temperature has reached it's maximum level of refreshment the mountains turn blue. With all of these developments, I only mentioned the super important ones, it's mind boggling to me that some things are around and that there are people that actually help support these things. Here are a few that I've noticed recently.

1. Cop on a horse- I really can't come up with any situation in which this is the best mode of transportation for a police officer. If a police officer can't be in a car then they should be on a bike. Bikes don't gallop when your trying to sneak up on teenagers smoking weed on Crosby st, bikes don't take giant shit's in the middle of Broadway, and bikes also don't need pit stops to have a quick salt lick. Just when I thought New York City cops couldn't get anymore worthless they create a job where a fat guy from queens poses for pictures in times square for German tourists, but don't try to pet "officer sprinkles" or you'll be spendin the night in central bookin ya scumbag.

2. Pay phones- At this point in time, if you don't own a cell phone you either A) just got out of prison or B) are about to go to prison. There's something so unsettling about seeing someone on a payphone that you'd almost feel more comfortable openly masturbating in public. I recently lost my phone and had to call everybody from payphones and even homeless were looking at me like I was fucking crazy.

3. The porno video store- This ties in directly to the pay phone aspect of the demographic this attracts. How do you not have the Internet? Are you that stubborn that your begrudgingly gonna avoid getting a computer at any cost, even if that means completely tarnishing your already soiled image and putting the final nail in the coffin of your self respect? Do yourself a favor and get a cheap laptop and some decent Internet, the porno your gonna find is gonna fucking blow your mind.

4. Mime- At this point in the game, the mime really is the worst street performer in the street arts business today. You have people deep throating flaming swords, juggling chainsaws, walking on broken glass and razorblades, hammering nails into their faces, wait this might just be the coney island freak show I'm talking about. Either way, your stuck in a box and nobody is giving you a dime nor bumming you a cigarette.

5. Hookah bars- I honestly thought this would be short lived, but thanks to the same crowd single handedly keeping Ed Hardy brand clothing/energy drinks/beer afloat, it's not gonna go anywhere any time soon. I'm guessing these were the same people who thought that oxygen bars were the next big thing...