Sunday, December 13, 2009

Mixing water and oil

I recently went through and edited some posts and found some that I never finished. This one is from a little while back when Yabo was about to visit NYC. I thought doing a comparison of the two would be super funny but it ultimately became to hard to find similarities between them that wouldn't end with them both hating me...plus I'm lazy. Enjoy





I am lucky enough to have a very diverse group of friends that I've acquired over the years, few black friends, but I do have an Asian one...I'm getting off topic here. The point is, with such big personalities sometimes there can be some clashing. One of my best friends Yabo is coming to visit in about a week and I got to thinking even though my friends are really different, they share an uncommon bond, like a super...bond. So here's a comparison that I thought would be interesting.

Meet Yabo-

"booger" "fart" "Yabo laugh"

You may remember Yabo from a post I made last year in tittled " the real party monster". A 22 year old art student at the university of Colorado, he embodies the stereotype of what you hope college is gonna be like when your like 14 and is the only person I've met who's life pans out like it does in movies about college, which is just about the coolest thing ever. He paints goblins, eats beers and is the only person alive I know of to get an HJ in a camo sleeping bag.

Meet Peter Goldberg:


This was the only picture Peter
had on his facebook that wasn't
a common friend.

Peter is a 20-30 year old student at The New school, and a graduate of C.U. and maybe another university as well. Peter is a shy and polite guy who is also a homebody. He's cautious and rarely if ever has gotten into trouble.

Now let's see what these two have in common that they might not even know.

Yabo: Takes his shirt off at every party every party he's ever been to.
Peter: Wears a button down belly shirt to every party we've ever taken him to.
Yabo: Sneaks in beers at bars to avoid paying for them
Peter: Sneakily puts his headphones on at the bar to avoid interacting with anyone.
Yabo: Eats allot of ground beef and couldn't imagine why anyone wouldn't
Peter: Gets made fun of by Yabo who can't understand why Peter wouldn't eat ground beef
Yabo: Can destroy a living room within 5 minutes of getting to a party
Peter: is a interior designer and aspires to design the rooms that Yabo will make fun of and soon destroy
Yabo: Cooks frozen pizzas and then cools them so he can pack them whole for a lunch
Peter: Has his made cook his frozen pizzas
Yabo: Comes with a warning attached when introduced to people he's yet to interact with
Peter: Needs to read the warning label of every single thing he comes in contact with to see if it will clash with one of the 500 medications he's taking
Yabo: thinks his drawings are gonz Esq
Peter: Thinks his skating is gonz Esq
-Niether of them are correct
Yabo: Would take a bullet for a friend if he had to
Peter: Would take a dollar from a friend if he was owed it, no matter how long ago the dollar was owed
Yabo: Will drench himself in his own urine
Peter: Will drench himself in his own blood from scrubbing his used to be hands








Friday, December 11, 2009

Restaurant review: eating is easy

After a few meeting's with the men from the previous post, I left with a bad taste in my mouth. So I decided to catch a bite to eat and review it for your reading pleasure. I dined in at the world celebrated Halal food cart located in the heart of the city, Broadway and Broome. For those of you currently living outside of the NYC area, this post will make little sense to you and probably annoy you, for those of you living in NYC it will still probably bother you.

Upon approaching the cart I noticed two things, one being that all I could smell was this food and urine since I got off the train 6 blocks earlier, and that the cart itself was surrounded by a puddle of what I assume to be urine, I'm guessing this was just a coincidence. "Hi" I said with excitement, "what's on the menu today"? "Look sign" he replied in between breathing out of a cigarette covered some sort of yellow sauce. So following the chefs orders I browsed the "look sign" he spoke of. "I think I'll have the gyro" I said with hesitation after seeing how Delicious all the food looked that had been sitting on the grill for at least 97 hours which really gave it time to marinate in it's own stagnate juices. "Is that lamb or chicken" I asked pointing at the grill. "Zat is Za Salad" he said sweating a little too much for comfort considering it was 30 degrees outside. "hmmmmm" I pondered, "well I guess I'll have the lamb". So He began chopping up what I had thought was a rubber matt and pressing it against the grill. He wore one stained ripped glove, which he pressed against my food after wiping his sweaty face every five seconds, which was a relief because I would have been a bit worried if he wasn't wearing glove.

The glove like this bloody glove, but way way
worse.


4 cigarettes later, he had poured white sauce and red stuff on it and wrapped it in news paper. The gyro was ready to consume, but not before he touched some more of my food with his glove, or what remained of the glove. "oh, ha thanks it smells...allot" I was also starting to sweat at this point. The gyro looked pretty good, I was hungry and even though I had never eaten cooked food that was pulsating in my hands I have it a go. The first bite honestly amazed me. How could something that has such a strong odor have no taste at all, it was like eating a sponge after it scrubbed a curry covered toilet, so it was pretty good. I was also impressed on how quickly the gyro went through my system and had me sprinting to the starbucks bathroom and treating the toilet like an Iraqi prisoner of war, interrogating it for answers that it just could not answer...or flush. So, leaving pale and having murdered and tortured the Innocent porcelain bystander I felt pretty good for only spending $3.00 on lunch.

Rest in peace buddy, rest in peace.



I give it four stars, one star for the quality of the food, 2 for the price, and one star for the worlds most recycled glove.




Tuesday, December 8, 2009

WANTED: early 20's sassy potential new best friend

First let me start this post by apologizing to my mother, one of my biggest fans, for the lack of updates. I've been extremely busy experimenting with drugs and alcohol and having pre marital sex to write funny stories...well, that's mostly untrue. I have however been spending allot of time by myself because I think my friends are starting to become tired of my bad attitude/smell, at least my girlfriend puts up with it...against her will. Any who, thus began my quest in finding my new best friend. I thumbed through the "strictly platonic" m4m section of craigslist to find the friend of my dreams, here's what I found.

The first thing I noticed about this ad was I don't think we would have very much in common, though he really loves cigars and is a married military man, I'm just not that into the whole JO buddy thing, I've never really been a fan of jogging off with another guy...but I wouldn't mind the "chilling nude" part I suppose.
Pretty casual cat, plus is that a
hookah...? bonus

A self described "clean and friendly" Asian, he seems ready to help me with all my computer, camera, and painting problems which is great because my current Asian friend isn't really helping me in that department, he's just completely abandoning me. Could this be the friend of my dreams? I guess it depends on how many technical problems I'm currently having with my PC.
I'm not gonna lie, this guy seems like a
party animal...plus he can probably fix my
ipod.

The language barrier could possibly be a problem, but he said he's "pretty much down for anything with the right dude" so I'm assuming he means learning English and then telling fart jokes with me. He's down to get a beer and see a Broadway show, but his eyes say he just wants to jet ski all day and then show off his six pack abs...this is gonna be a tough decision.

Could this be completely and
total heterosexual love?

He loves to dance, and he's a big fan of roses. When I asked if he'd want to hangout without me bringing roses ,because lets face it I don't have much of a green thumb, he replied "well how would you like a brown thumb"?
Another fan of the hookah I see, I could see
us kicking back and talking about girls.

Who am I kidding, all these ads have one very big thing in common...these guys don't need a friend like me around. Oh well, I guess I'll have to continue with the friends that I already have and you know what? I'm ok with that. Because there's nothing wrong with hangin nude with screech, nothing at all.