like every young man has a dream, I do too...

So it's been about 2 weeks give or take since my last post, which wasn't a hit in case you were wondering, and I've been doing allot of thinking about what i want to do with my life. Do I want to go to school to pursue my dreams of becoming a writer for butt clap magazine, do I invest in Magiccorp, the company that makes the fake vomit i spend most of my money on, or do I just break down and apply for a job at the local bodega? Well, if you guessed any of those your wrong and your probably maybe right. So with out further A-DO here is what I'm hoping will be the future of my already star studded life....

I've recently decided to become the founder and head key master of my own cult, having followers tend to my every wish and desire while leading them into levels of fun and friendship that most men dare not dream of. "The Seth is Cool" cult has been a work in progress for the last 20 plus years as I quickly realized that I probably will not end up getting into college like most of my friends and peers.

Long time acquaintance's Jake and Mike enjoying the

perks of pursuing and education thus weaving their

way into social circles I will never understand.

I know what your all thinking, "what is the dress code for your cult and how soon can I be inducted". First things first, I got the uniforms ready and I think you guys are really gonna like em. Allot of cults in the past have kept things awkward by making everybody dress in bland track suits and drink jungle juice before bed, but not me, I care for my society.

You'll be sure to check out Slave 1 in his

boys cut classic, novelty funny glasses paired

with a short sleeve casual, bottomed with classic

raspberry sweatpants and topped off with some

Birkenstocks. For the women I've kept it simple

with a nice wig, prosthetic lips crowning a elegant

coconut bra, finalleyed with a fishnet guarder belt

combo.

Tired of most cults so called Punch,

We've got pre poisoned Surge for your

connivance.

As the Gatekeeper and key master/president and founder I needed a to find a palace where we could all live our controlled lives without the police and other do gooders bothering us. That's why Im excited to present to you what you could be living in if your willing to join my society, and if I can get around the laws of physics, which I'm sure you'll be saying "all right"!

*artist rendition-suspended in the clouds is the Seth Rules

palace, a haven for fun and friendship where dreams

become fairytales, all floating atop a pit of fire and

paper cuts if you so choose to leave the confines.

"Wow" is probably what's coming out of your thrilled mouths right now but try to contain your joy because guess what...if you call right now I'm willing to include a free t shirt that comes with every induction certificate in the next twenty minutes. Where it in the dungeon, show it off while cheering at the daily witch burnings, the choice is yours when you call in the next 15 minutes!!!

"I have never been so happy before

I joined the "Seth Rules" cult... before...

Thank You Farthumorquarterlyzine.-

blogspot.com for all you've done for me"

-Nicholas Nack

satisified cult follower

Bronx, NY

So there it is everybody, if your not ready to drop off communication with not only the outside world but with your immediate family and loved ones then this may not be for you...but for you who love thrills, adrenaline rushes and the occasional drugging and constant molesting then contact the good people at Farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com...man, thats a long URL, and let the fun touch you everywhere.

"Last Niiiiiiiggggghhhhhtttttt"

Things have been pretty out of control here at the farthumorquarterly compound and I've been swamped with the blogging, the tech decking and especially the china express take out. And through all this chaos and stress of my day to day routine I forgot about one important thing....going out to bars with friends and completely blowing it. So I've decided to clear some things up on what happened with me and the strokes last night.

I arrived at the Royal Oak tavern well into my 2nd beer so I was already pretty intoxicated. The night proceeded as usual, Peter talked art with a stranger, Evan and Pedro were giggling in a corner, I wrote farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com on every pint glass I saw with a paint pen and then all of the sudden Peter approaches me with glee and excitement. "Don't freak out" he whispers at me with his hand over his mouth, "But that's the bassist of THE STROKES". This is no Randy Rhoades were talking about here, this is some guy with a monk haircut and a velvet sash.

For those of you who are not currently residing

in Williamsburg Brooklyn, picking this man out

of a crowd is like finding a vintage needle in a

haystack.

In a drunken blurr I made a split second decision...I was going to approach this guy. With the blessings of none of my friends I darted towards the man who at this point was visibly uncomfortable. "Hey you! I have to tell you about this guy that changed my life" I said. His cool confident demeanor was suddenly a frown and he looked up and said "do I know you"? I slowly went into how his music changed my life, steered me on a path of good and sobriety and how I carved his name into my arms with a compass from algebra class. "Do you even know my name" he said? Panicked I calmly answered "probably". The group of Hip librarian girls looked at me with horror and a "he's not vegan" look...

If you look close enough you can see how

bummed the girl in the background is, and if you

look even closer you can see she's chosen to be

a lesbian until graduation, shock value!!!

So after my Chirs farley Esq rant, I left him with a "god bless", fittingly, and was on my way to bigger and more important things...I.E. getting high and egging chicks from my roof. I also wrote a farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com on his wine glass so hopefully he see's this and gets the humor that I saw in interrupting his chance at the worlds most indy threesome.

Completely not stoned, I began part

one of my long series of lectures about

my plans of the booger circus...

until next time this captain fart humor signing off, wishing you all the best in your future efforts in bumming out handsome and talented has beens.

If you can't beat them, copy them

The stress of my modern work place has left me both tired and depressed as of late until yesterday at noon, while I was sniffing paint on my roof, I had an opifuny. I had a vision of starting a zine, whether or not this vision had anything to do with Partygay.blogspot.com's recent realse of a zine or the mind altering affects of the paint fumes I couldn't tell you because I was pretty chiefed at the time. But none the less I got to work and began my planning on how to turn a modertly funny blog on the internet into a zine that asshole wierdo's will judge at coffee shops.

Planning and graphing: I can honestly say I don't know anything about making or creating anything really, I barley know enough about dot coms to fandangle my way with a post once a week. I do however know how to make a ven diagram. The ven diagram is truely the ying yang of graphs, morphing together dank ideas for a chill result.

It took 2 hours, but it was totally worth it

Multiple problems were blocking my 24 hour dream of having my own zine. Unlike partygay I am a one man staff, a lone ranger, the solo amigo. Funding was gonna be a huge componet if I wanted to get anywhere with this future waste of time. So I've decided to propuse an offer with a young man, who shall remain nameless, who lives on 63 and 1st and lives in a pyscho loft scattered with beanies and perogie shells, mother with a "how to sponsor a nice young boy with a dream" business offer.

I'll have to transform from a young doofus...

...into one of the family

Trial and error: So after 5 call out's from work, countless nights of little to no sleep and a corn on my toe I did it. Nothing could stop me now, not west nile virus, not killer bees nor craddle cap. All the hard work paid off and I am proud to present the official cover of the Farthumorquarterly's first ever zine! This cover will be presented to Ms. Goldberg as a token of my dedication to creating a better toilet read.

After countless rough drafts, the staff

concluded that this was the perfect

cover for the zine.

So I began work on recreating 200 copies of the cover, still with no ideas for stories to fill the zine with. I also quickly realized this would have to be done by hand and inlisted help from a young woman who I consider to be my right hand man. So whether you want to view this as wacky, funny or horrible every other cover is gonna be in different hand writing, but you can barley tell the differance anyway ....

Hard to spot, but this is one of the remakes

done by Lace T.

So there you have it America, my pledge to bring you a zine has been set by the date of eventually where laughter will meet paper. I'd like to thank my future sponsor Ms. Goldberg and the rest of my fans and followers, but I would not like to thank my boss who is a huge bitch and a buzzkill.

Top 5 ways to avoid swine Flu...

Fear has been struck in the heart of every American, not of war and not of famine but of something a little more sinister...pork. With news reports saying you shouldn't even leave your house or have anything to live for, the nation is scared. But what the Pig flu and most everybody else didn't count on is that I still have a blog that I update sometimes, and that I also have plenty of top 5 ideas. So put away your dooms day kit and take a gander at a farters way to avoid the swine flu.

1. Ditch your pig friends- For years these rambunctious little ragamuffins have been rolling in mud and being all un-kosher and it looks like it finally caught up with them. Frankly, its over due in my opinion. Trust me, I know it can be hard just kicking your best buddy to the curb but in these hard times you can't be seen with these guys. We've been slaughtering and eating these guys for years and this is the thanks we get? They had their chance, they blew it.

Just to be safe, I threw away my copy of Charlottes web

2. Stay away from mexicans- I've been doing this for years now, but some of you are still in close personal contact with these guys. Don't get me wrong, I love George but I'm not gonna risk waking up one morning with a snout and a wiggly tail squealing "I shoulda stayed away from Blank" as I slowly animorph into a pig. These are hard times and you gotta kill or slowly watch yourself get the pig flu and painfully transform before your eyes.

George is with out a doubt infected with this Flu

and will soon boast his new pink skin while eating

from his favorite troff

3. Masks- Now, I've been seeing people in these surgical masks around on the subway and on the streets and I think they look ridiculous and are a little over the top. Frankly, these masks look lame, so I've been wearing my old Halloween mask around and it looks way cooler. Not only am I safe from the harmful bubonic pork air, but I'm also getting getting free candy daily from the local corner store who's owner may or may not think I'm mentally handicapped.

Flu me not you devil'd ham you!

4. Public transportation- Joe Biden has told his family to avoid planes and public transportation, where as I have told my family to take nothing but planes and public transportation. I've been getting on subway cars to go a couple blocks, licking bus poles, ingesting peoples sneezes, and going to elementary schools daily all in hopes of getting this illness. My logic is once I get this flu it will be so bad that I will immediately grow immune to it and everything else on this planet which inevitably will make me immortal.

I too will grow immortal, the only

question is if I will gain any souls in

the process while I decapitate people

like highlander.

5. Relaxation- Being sick is almost always involved intimately and dangerously with stress. Stress is the anti chill and I can't deal with that right now. So, I've taken an extended to permanent vacation from work to clear my head of all this pork swine and flu sick talk I've been hearing latley and do a little more in my robe constantly snacking talk. Call me a worry wart but I can't risk losing this bod and this head upon my shoulders anytime soon. I suggest you all take a massive amount of time off from work as well.

Much like the cat pictured above, I too will be relaxing

in a tree, but on my couch and not as gay looking.

Movie Reviews: one man's look into anothers man's heart

It's been raining on and off for what seems like the past 3 years in Brooklyn so I decided to go and surprise my gf at school at take her out. Here's a recap of our date and a review of 2 of the 12 movies I watched yesterday as I slowly rotted away...

The date-After picking up my gf from Bushwick middle school, she swiped me in on her student metro card and we headed to time square for a day date. We started off the date as I would any date, and headed straight to Michael Jordan's steak house located in the heart of NYC at grand Central station. Like a gentlemen I ordered for the two of us while she was in the lobby trying to win some bear or a stuffed toad in the claw machine, but was shot down when upon her return she informed me she's allergic to shell fish which left me with two orders of the slam dunk crab cakes. Ultimately, I stole her some big novelty pretzel outside the theatre after we dine and dashed the hell out of MJ's steak house.

The slam dunk crab cakes were really good.

Film 1: Tyson- Going into this movie I knew only that this was about boxing and some guy, and by those standards it was a success. A roller coaster of emotions, Tyson will have you both laughing and laughing harder while others in the theatre are crying. I recommend you sit in the middle of the theatre as to get a good view of the entire screen, and to be sure you get your snacks well before show time. There is a heartfelt scene towards the end of the film that showcases home videos of Tyson lovingly playing with his children, which completely convinced me of this face tattooed mans sanity. I give the film 3 stars, one star for staying true to the streets, another star for keeping it real and yet another star for its sex appeal. One star was taken away though because I stepped in gum.

Film 2: Ernest goes to Africa- I watched this film with big expectations after seeing Ernest goes to camp and Ernest goes to Halloween and was tragically let down. A shadow of what he was, Ernest threw his whole career away with his school yard antics and his lust for adventure. This film explores a man's journey to Africa through the eyes of a mad man, tons of new friends and enemies are met on the way too. The final film in the beloved Ernest P. Worrel series will leave you wanting more but you can't. He died shortly after the making of this film, of what I believe to be a broken heart. 1997 was not a good year for Ernest, so I'll just pretend this movie never happaned.

RIP Ernest P. Worrell