Hey that was funny...

Lately I've been thinking allot about what's funny and what's not funny, what 's acceptable and what's inappropriate to laugh at. Besides all that jazz, I've been remembering allot of stuff that was super funny but kind of disappeared...I've also been thinking about hot pockets allot lately cause our oven is broken and we have no microwave so I would have to cook them in this hot plate we set up cause our landlord won't come fix our oven, even though I've left like 5 messages and 2 notes for him. Oh, and I have to pack up everything in the house to get ready to be sprayed for bed bugs... oh darn.

Top 5 things that I think should be funny or have gone away too soon.

Mad about you: I've never actually seen this show but the idea of someone like myself watching this show on a regular basis is funny to me, separately these words mean nothing but once they're combined it becomes the gayest thing ever in the history of the world and if you like it you might be gay...or Peter Goldberg.

John Brownlee's myspace.com photo thread updates: These were really funny back when we were all on Myspace.com. Every time our friend John would come back from a trip or move away and then come back to visit he would post up a series of photos telling the story of the trip. I was a little jealous of the laughs he was getting and decided to give it a try but quickly realized that everyone I knew was aware that I didn't talk like the quotes from the pictures and was just copying john...maybe this is why he hated me for so long....

ex.1

Carved back in to CO, shit

was buttery

Said "what urps" to this fool, shoulda

kept it coors but shit was buttery

After we cheers'd more beers things were looking

hekka tripy, shit was buttery

...and so on and so fourth. John's were actually funny though, shit was buttery.

Death: You always see all kinds of videos of people falling and getting super hurt and these videos seem to be real gutbusters, but why don't they just take it a step further and make death funnier? Everyones all serious about it like it's some big deal, how come I can watch a fat kid fall off a moped and barley survive and think it's awesome but the second I watch a kid get bludgeoned to death I'm the bad guy all of a sudden? yeah right, sounds like horse spit to me...

Thug cabin Canyon: Remember how funny it was when Canyon was going through that weird rap faze where he talked like Paul Wall, wore tall T's and "didn't give a funk"? New Canyon is weird, he goes to art galleries, has serious conversations and when the mood strikes him wears adult clothes. Call me crazy but I would have never imagined that OG Canyon would be going to brunch....

Backwards hat, check, tall T, check, skipping

class, check, humming Ja rule song, check, OG

Canyon was taking paid time off for the "players"

holiday...

Here's "emo ass Dylan" Canyon, this was the

middle stage and death of OG Canyon...

Enter in new Canyon. Besides the

beer, sparks can, weed grinder,

yo yo's and garbage everywhere

this guy looks like he could think

he's important. Somewhere in that

Clark Kent body OG Canyon is still

gripping wood grains in the turning

lane.

Who is that dude?: Actually, it's whosethatdude.blogspot.com run by Denver's own Derek Milton. The birth of this blog was around the same time as my beloved Farthumorquarterlyzine, but were completely different. Derek's was geared more towards funny videos, stories, and the famous "things you never want to see associated with a loved one". With more and more blogs popping up each day I'd hate to see this old gem be thrown aside, but with it's lack of recent updates it may be sharing a plot in the blog grave yard next to claykessack.com.

A letter to the Shorty's company...

I recently saw that the company "Shorty's" has come back from the grave and started making skateboards again, or skateboard I should say because they only have one line available. Anyway, I contacted them to see if I could become the Rep for the NYC area and if they could help make that dream come true. Keeping my fingers crossed....

Dear Shorty's inc,

I'm writing this letter in regards to the new website and more importantly the revival of Shorty's skateboards. Eighth grade through tenth I rocked nothing but shortys gear and zip off pants, carried around the Shorty's first aide kit, skated nothing but Shorty's boards because that shit had pop, which I'm sure the board did but I didn't because I was pretty fat and the slogan for mine would be "that shit has bad nose slide marks". Somewhere along the way though, my beloved Shorts kind of disappeared and I started supporting antihero up until now. When I saw that you guys are going to carry 8.5 Shortys boards I nearly fainted because I can still maintain my barney bowl trollness with the flair of a Shorty's board, pretty buttery. So, I guess I'll stop beating around the bush here and get to the point of this letter...I think you should make me the rep for Shorty's in NYC and I have brainstormed reasons on why this is a good idea.

*My job is a total bummer: I work in a clothing store on Broadway in the stockroom, its in the basement where I sort hangers or move heavy stuff around all day. All the people I work with either make fun of me for being white or for dressing like a "garbage man", which I kind of have mixed feelings about because I think garbage men dress pretty steezy. Every time I try to chill their all on my case and stuff, like what's up with that man? Also, I don't like any of the people I work with.

*I'm pretty ok at skating: I'm not gonna toot my own horn here but I'm pretty good a few tricks, I have good frontside grinds, smithers, and tailslides in a couple variations and in rep standards I would probably be considered "good". Plus, my friends are actually good. I have this Asian friend that has really good frontside tuck knee grabs that he tail smashes in, my friend Canyon Castator... he's even on youtube or something, and well the rest of my friends are pretty funny if nothing else.

*I'm writing you a letter: I'm not claiming to have done something amazing or anything but come on, I am writing you an email. It's not much, but it's probably better then whatever crap your getting from some guy who used to do blow with the Muska and is owed a favor and is given this Rep job for only that reason, right?

Any who, thanks for taking the time to read this letter and possibly consider making a man's dreams come true. I'm not sure who's getting this, "helpdesk@shortysinc.com" sounds promising that it will get to the boss though. So if your willing to entrust me with thousands of dollars worth of merchandise to shell out as I see fit to radical dudes based sourly upon me writing you a letter to make me your NYC rep for your company then I look forward to hearing back from you.

Fondly,

Seth Powers

farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com

Restaruant review: Big trouble in little china town...

Greetings and welcome to an exciting series of posts dedicated to the review of local cuisine and more! Our last review brought us to the scenic corner of Broadway and canal st where I tried an exotic plate of Halal food with a side of yellow slime glove pieces. This time however, I decided to take my taste buds a little deeper into china town and get the true new york experience. So, nestled in between knock off purse vender's and knock off scarf vender's lays this New York city staple.

Burger king, 273 Canal st.

As I entered the doors of Burger King on Canal st an overwhelming smell of human waste entered my nostrils. This was not the smell I was expecting from such a respected restaurant but the longer I breathed in this waste, the hungrier I became. As I pushed my way through the gaggle of a thousand German tourists waiting to use the one burger king bathroom that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy, I finally got to the counter. The menu was extensive, and I was impressed. Burgers, cheese burgers, two burgers, bacon two burger with cheese instead of buns, Oreo sour patch kids kit kat frozen pies...this was gonna be a hard choice. In the end though, I had to stick with the "value menu" options. For those of you who are not familiar with the "value menu" this will include items that are either too frowned upon by society to be on the big menu or items that just sound like a bad idea, "chicken nugget sandwich" or "BK mozzarella fingers". Either way your gonna end up with more mediocre food slightly less then if you just ordered a combo meal.
The woman at the counter looked at me, almost through me, and said something that was not in English nor any other language I've ever heard. She had black growths on her face, which is popular among the Asian elderly when they reach 1,000 years old and become part dragon. "Oh, I'll have two of the whopper jr sandwiches with no mayonnaise, and a value fries and drink" I said with excitement. "Bongdue" she replied, I was puzzled. "bongdue, bongdue" she asked again, so I decided to shrug which is the universal sign of "I have no idea what you're fucking saying" and she quickly solicited the help of a fellow employee who somehow spoke less English then herself. Now, I had two people saying "bongdue" at me so I just agreed to get my order "bongdue" and waited for my food.
They called my number and I took my tray to sit at the table where I can peacefully eat and be solicited to buy weed and fake watches throughout the entire meal. Two bites into my first sandwich and it became apparent that not only did it have mayo on it, but it had extra mayo and was a chicken sandwich. I now Know that "Bongdue" means to fuck up your entire order.
The chicken was not bad though, and it turns out they got my second sandwich correct. This tasted like a mixture of every gas station junk food on a bun covered in acid and after I finished it I was starting to feel like I was really high or about to die. After i finished the meal I knew I had to find the nearest restroom as fast as humanly possible. The German tourists were crowding Burger Kings bathroom so I ran to Starbucks where I could become violently ill in peace.
Besides getting sick, I give this restaurant 4 stars: one star for the food, one for the "bongdue" option on the menu, one for the weed you can buy while you eat, and one star for the fact that I went back to the same Burger King for dinner that night after dieing in the Starbucks bathroom.

high school enemies revisited part one...

During the four years I spent within the cell like walls, man that sounds so angsty, of Boulder high school I made three friends and about 400 foes. Though I hated all of these people relatively equally there are a select few that rised so far above the rest that to this day I can easily say I still hate them. This particular piece of shit was my Nemesis, he truly was my enemy and if I had the chance I probably would have done something terrible to him, or awesome depending on how you look at it. So, come take a journey down the memory lane of hatred as we reminisce on Travis Moe.

Meet Travis Moe: Within the first four minutes of meeting Travis I knew we were not going to get along. He was the first kid to grow dreadlocks in our class, he wore sandals and listened to strictly "trip hop" or "conscious rap". His rich family lived in a mansion across town but as the days passed he would dress dirtier and dirtier and the only article of clothing he would change was his hackysack or his smock that he acquired from his trip to the Himalayas on his family's non conventional Christmas vacation because he's that worldly. He always got good grades and wrote at least five papers on why marijuana should be legalized, some how this was more legitimized than the other papers written by less environmentally heroic pot heads because all the teachers at school identified with his wealthy hippy ready to protest image. Yeah, I hate this dude.

During his high school career he hosted or led many protests and devoted his young life to making sure that President Bush be impeached or Marijuana be legalized or rap music that's about more then diamonds, guns and hoes be taken more seriously. His favorite protest was in the form of the "sit in". The "sit in" is the laziest form of protest on earth, and your telling people I'm literally gonna sit here and chill until something happens. In one particular sit in he caught the attention of the local media by refusing to leave the school library until George Bush resigned from office. The library sit in was a huge success to some of my friends who had claimed that they got high in the computer lab and may or may not have gotten a hand job from this slutty rich girl who's grandpa owns a big hardware store run in boulder and shall remain nameless. News reporters were covering the story and interviewing students all say on this Gandhi like figure we had in our library known as Travis Moe. I later got in a considerable amount of trouble when I was interviewed on the news and said that I was hosting my own sit in until someone killed Travis Moe.

I haven't seen this guy in a couple years now and the last I heard he was travelling around Europe or Asia or something in search of a new problem he can sit in on. As for me, I'm just gonna keep chilling and waiting for my sit in protest to shape up about the whole killing thing...and that domino's take me off their email list. I'm probably gonna order a pizza right now while I do this whole sit in thing so I guess I'll give them my email address one more time...just once though.