Sunday, January 30, 2011

Top 5 things that are pretty cool but have the worst following...

Sometimes life can be cruel. Every so often you can stumble onto something that is funny or entertaining or kewl but the people who are obsessed with it make it crusty or embarrassing. Here are five things that I've noticed that are ruined by the people who support or engage in it.

1. Mitch Hedberg: I can't deny that I do find Mitch Hedberg's stand up funny when I can get myself to listen to it. You know what's not funny? The chubby guy with bad posture sporting a visor beanie constantly quoting bits of his stand up out of context. I happen to work with a guy like this, and when he's not bragging about the blunt he rolled before work, he's repeating some joke that doesn't tie into any part of reality. "Hey ______, can you go meet the FedEx guy downstairs"? "You can't please everybody and last night they were all in my audience...Mitch Hedberg, man". What does that mean? The way I see it is the least Mitch Hedberg could have done before he died was take all of his die hard fans with him.

2. Sex: I used to love sex up until last night. After drunkenly coming home to watch Seinfeld my roommate came home with a girl and I was awoken to the sounds of my awkward friends orgasm moaning through the plaid sheet that we call a door. Horrified, I opted to sleep on the cum stained futon in the living room. I literally laid awake with the blanket over my head like you do when you're five and you think there's a monster in the house...or like you do when you're 25 and Peter Goldberg. I guess it's no more awkward then pretending that we don't hear each other JOing all the time... my life sucks.

3. Skateboarding: No other activity could attract so many degenerates on earth like skateboarding. Whether you're stopped on the train, street, bodega they will feel comfortable enough to approach you and "rap" about how they used to/currently "shortboard" and how it opened their eyes to alien abductions and eastern medicine. If it weren't for my love of both, and ying yangs, I don't know how I could put up with it.

4. Dollar slice: If you live in NYC and you've been to St. Marks then you know about the infamous dollar slice. "Two brothers pizza"to be more specific is an oasis to all jugalos, teen age punks on dates, train hoppers, scratch ticket enthusiasts and heroin addicts alike. It's also visited by people like me, thrifty assholes who will accept a lesser quality product for a cheaper price. How can I sit there and enjoy shoveling that wet diaper of a slice into my gullet when two 14 year olds with pantyhose arm stockings and dinner plates in their ears are finger fucking in the corner, chin beard Mcgee with the "voices in my head tell me what to do" t shirt is shotgunning his third mountain dew and the seven year old kid finally makes his round to me trying to bum a cigarette?

5. Weed: I have nothing against the idea of getting high at all, in fact sometimes it can be kind of fun. My problem is with the culture around it and the endless paraphernalia that follows it. Say what you will about harder street drugs but none of them are on t-shirts, belt buckles, flags, guitars, tire flaps next to the truck nuts and the sticker of Calvin pissing on George Bushes face and giving you the middle finger. More then 90% of the time I can tell that someone is really into getting high without the novelty "McCronalds" shirt on. I know the day when people can just get high discreetly is very unlikely so until then whoever has the rights to the picture of a pot leaf and has 4:20 trademarked is gonna continue to make millions to fund their chill lifestyle.




1 comment:

  1. WHAT ABOUT PRO WRESTLING!?!?! I am convinced the only thing that sucks about wrestling is its fanbase.

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