You know how the song goes, if you can make it here then you can make it anywhere. I have been living here for while now and I can honestly say that I have not made it here and chances are I may not make it anywhere. The same cannot be said for a couple of guys that I know who seem to have it all out here in the big apple. Rich and Canyon Duff have skyrocketed off the charts as of late and I want to take a closer look at what it might be like to live like these two celebs amongst friends that I used to know.
Let's start things off with where these two work...the 9th street espresso at the prestigious Chelsea market. I know what your thinking, what's the big deal? Don't they just pour coffee at the food court of the worlds most pretentious mall? You'd be dead wrong...the Chelsea market is full of C list celebrities, the mid wests wealthiest single mothers and even Europeans! All of the other boutiques in the mall gather around 9th street to get there java fix, from the nice people at the organic sock stand to the chefs at the lobster on a stick Boothe. And 9th street espresso's got prim real estate in the mall conveniently located across from the fountain and to the left of the bathroom. That's not all, for just a few dollars more per cup you can have a real life zany New Yorker pouring your coffee. It could be an artist, a part time lesbian or even someone with dyed hair...pretty wild stuff. Oh, and if your wondering about how the coffee is then hear it from the source: "Dis be da best coffee in the funking world"-Canyon Castator, coffee/espresso scientist, "The coffee is like...drinking wood"-Rich Duff, barista genius.
And it only gets more decadent after work lets out. Going to bars that have no name or require a password to get in, buying sweaters, talking about coffee, going to Serena's, painting yourself naked, hanging at work on your free time, eye rolling or just funking around town. The key to making it in this town is to keep things exclusive, you don't need to have all your friends around you to have a good time because you'll be making new friends in no time, and they're obscure ironic joke references are real side splitters...just make sure they don't rip the denim shirt.
Do you like what you hear? I know I do and I can't wait till I can land the job of a life time. It's hard to comprehend for most, and seems like a pipe dream to me but maybe I'm not cut out to be a NYC superstar. For now I'm just gonna keep reaching for the stars and maybe I'll be in a cool mall too, I'll just keep pedaling out snowboards for now.
Friday, April 15, 2011
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
Romance novels vs Urban Literature
For anyone who has ever grazed through one, then you know how ridiculous romance novels are. The cover is almost always a Fabio-esque character either on horse back or part horse, centaur if you will, sweeping some woman off her feet in a meadow or a shoe store and then 200 pages of soft core pornography. I used to think that these books were the most embarrassing things on the market, that is before I discovered Urban literature. Urban literature are romance novels for black people and filled with all kinds of wildly offensive stereotypes about both black and white culture. Here are a few book synopsis' I've come up with for both.
Romance novel: "Only at night"
Katherine is a stay at home mom. Her husband John is a successful adviser on wall st and is on the road most of the time. The one joy she found was through reading her favorite books, hopelessly romantic tales of women just like her getting swept away from their mundane lives and taken on an erotic adventure. She didn't think anything of the books, just harmless fun right? That is until she herself was taken into a world she'd only read about. Join Katherine as she's swept away from suburbia by a tall olive knight named Armando who's time traveled to capture Katherine for the purpose of making love on every battle field he and his army of hunks enter. But there seems to be trouble in paradise as she quickly finds out she is the apple of more than one knights eye and her knight in a shining loin cloth, Armando, turns out to be the jealous type. Who will win Katherine's heart, and what will happen when her husband John enters the mix...
Urban literature: "Good girlz do bad thangz"
Chantel and her husband had it all. She was the best prosecutor in the entire state of Florida. Her husband Tyrece, former NBA center and current brain surgeon couldn't be happier with the ways things were going. That is unitl the streets started calling and Chantel had to answer. Growing up things weren't always this easy, she clawed her way to the top and hustled along the way. Only now her past is about to come back in the form of Darnell, the 6'5 super model drug lord ex boyfriend who needs Chantel to accompany him as he embarks on his biggest drug deal yet...the white house. Thangz get tricky when feelings spark again with her old flame, only Tyrece aint going down like no sucker. Right before the white house deal goes down Darnell get's into a car accident and is brought to the ER only to have Tyrece left with the choice to save his life or smoke him.
I can't decide which one I would rather buy, both sound like books I can't wait to read on the train in front of other people.
Romance novel: "Only at night"
Katherine is a stay at home mom. Her husband John is a successful adviser on wall st and is on the road most of the time. The one joy she found was through reading her favorite books, hopelessly romantic tales of women just like her getting swept away from their mundane lives and taken on an erotic adventure. She didn't think anything of the books, just harmless fun right? That is until she herself was taken into a world she'd only read about. Join Katherine as she's swept away from suburbia by a tall olive knight named Armando who's time traveled to capture Katherine for the purpose of making love on every battle field he and his army of hunks enter. But there seems to be trouble in paradise as she quickly finds out she is the apple of more than one knights eye and her knight in a shining loin cloth, Armando, turns out to be the jealous type. Who will win Katherine's heart, and what will happen when her husband John enters the mix...
Urban literature: "Good girlz do bad thangz"
Chantel and her husband had it all. She was the best prosecutor in the entire state of Florida. Her husband Tyrece, former NBA center and current brain surgeon couldn't be happier with the ways things were going. That is unitl the streets started calling and Chantel had to answer. Growing up things weren't always this easy, she clawed her way to the top and hustled along the way. Only now her past is about to come back in the form of Darnell, the 6'5 super model drug lord ex boyfriend who needs Chantel to accompany him as he embarks on his biggest drug deal yet...the white house. Thangz get tricky when feelings spark again with her old flame, only Tyrece aint going down like no sucker. Right before the white house deal goes down Darnell get's into a car accident and is brought to the ER only to have Tyrece left with the choice to save his life or smoke him.
I can't decide which one I would rather buy, both sound like books I can't wait to read on the train in front of other people.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Draft 1:The crying girl and the Blue man group tickets
I went through my posts recently and stumbled across stories that were never posted for one reason or another, some are really angry or hurtful ones that I knew I couldn't post and others were just not sounding right. Here's one of them, I remember I just couldn't write it as funny as it actually was.
The other day I was walking downtown and remembered a story that I had completely forgot about until I saw the sign with the Blue faces staring me down. This takes place a few months back so my memory is a little hazy, insert weed joke, or shall I say "purple hazy". Here is the tale of the blue men and the blue girl.
I had just about made my rounds of picking up hangers and sorting them into a giant trash can on wheels when I got to the last floor of the building and ran into Emily, a visual designer from London, whom I was obligated to say hello to every time I saw her because I said it one time months prior. I asked how she was doing, she never asked me because my response was not the one people want to hear when they ask that because mine was never good, and this time she was not doing so well either. She explained how it was her and her husbands anniversary coming up and she had got them two tickets to see the Blue man group live. This of course sounded like a nightmare and I tried to leave but she made it too awkward for me to walk away. She explained that they loved watching Arrested development and as a surprise to her husband she picked up the Blue man group tickets and planned to get extremely high and go to the show. Unfortunately, her husband was stranded in London or something and there was the dilemma. She started crying and I had to idea how to comfort her so I didn't. With tears streaming down fer face and snot running into her mouth she offered me the tickets and I took them.
I thought the whole thing was really funny and I thought that it was great that she pictured me as the main demographic that the blue men catered to. I wasn't and neither was my girlfriend, this became really obvious as me made our way to the theatre the night of the show and stood in line with a hundred German tourists shouting about "zet blue man goop". The tickets were in the front row and we got rain coats to put on. The show commenced and I slouched down in my chair the same way I did throughout school, praying that I wouldn't get picked on stage to chuck marsh mellows down this blue mans throat. They played pvc pipe drums that sprayed paint all over the place, did mime style stand up, had weird movie clips that explained they're from another planet...the girl at my work was right, I should have gotten high. I may have not gotten high but I ate like I was.
The show ended and I exited the theater feeling weird. The tickets were a hundred dollars each and I had an ok time. The girl came up to me for days after asking me how it was in detail and she was not impressed with my review and she got angry and cried. She was kind of always crying and then she moved back home shortly after. Now that I think back It was actually pretty fun.
The other day I was walking downtown and remembered a story that I had completely forgot about until I saw the sign with the Blue faces staring me down. This takes place a few months back so my memory is a little hazy, insert weed joke, or shall I say "purple hazy". Here is the tale of the blue men and the blue girl.
I had just about made my rounds of picking up hangers and sorting them into a giant trash can on wheels when I got to the last floor of the building and ran into Emily, a visual designer from London, whom I was obligated to say hello to every time I saw her because I said it one time months prior. I asked how she was doing, she never asked me because my response was not the one people want to hear when they ask that because mine was never good, and this time she was not doing so well either. She explained how it was her and her husbands anniversary coming up and she had got them two tickets to see the Blue man group live. This of course sounded like a nightmare and I tried to leave but she made it too awkward for me to walk away. She explained that they loved watching Arrested development and as a surprise to her husband she picked up the Blue man group tickets and planned to get extremely high and go to the show. Unfortunately, her husband was stranded in London or something and there was the dilemma. She started crying and I had to idea how to comfort her so I didn't. With tears streaming down fer face and snot running into her mouth she offered me the tickets and I took them.
I thought the whole thing was really funny and I thought that it was great that she pictured me as the main demographic that the blue men catered to. I wasn't and neither was my girlfriend, this became really obvious as me made our way to the theatre the night of the show and stood in line with a hundred German tourists shouting about "zet blue man goop". The tickets were in the front row and we got rain coats to put on. The show commenced and I slouched down in my chair the same way I did throughout school, praying that I wouldn't get picked on stage to chuck marsh mellows down this blue mans throat. They played pvc pipe drums that sprayed paint all over the place, did mime style stand up, had weird movie clips that explained they're from another planet...the girl at my work was right, I should have gotten high. I may have not gotten high but I ate like I was.
The show ended and I exited the theater feeling weird. The tickets were a hundred dollars each and I had an ok time. The girl came up to me for days after asking me how it was in detail and she was not impressed with my review and she got angry and cried. She was kind of always crying and then she moved back home shortly after. Now that I think back It was actually pretty fun.
Sunday, January 30, 2011
Top 5 things that are pretty cool but have the worst following...
Sometimes life can be cruel. Every so often you can stumble onto something that is funny or entertaining or kewl but the people who are obsessed with it make it crusty or embarrassing. Here are five things that I've noticed that are ruined by the people who support or engage in it.
1. Mitch Hedberg: I can't deny that I do find Mitch Hedberg's stand up funny when I can get myself to listen to it. You know what's not funny? The chubby guy with bad posture sporting a visor beanie constantly quoting bits of his stand up out of context. I happen to work with a guy like this, and when he's not bragging about the blunt he rolled before work, he's repeating some joke that doesn't tie into any part of reality. "Hey ______, can you go meet the FedEx guy downstairs"? "You can't please everybody and last night they were all in my audience...Mitch Hedberg, man". What does that mean? The way I see it is the least Mitch Hedberg could have done before he died was take all of his die hard fans with him.
2. Sex: I used to love sex up until last night. After drunkenly coming home to watch Seinfeld my roommate came home with a girl and I was awoken to the sounds of my awkward friends orgasm moaning through the plaid sheet that we call a door. Horrified, I opted to sleep on the cum stained futon in the living room. I literally laid awake with the blanket over my head like you do when you're five and you think there's a monster in the house...or like you do when you're 25 and Peter Goldberg. I guess it's no more awkward then pretending that we don't hear each other JOing all the time... my life sucks.
3. Skateboarding: No other activity could attract so many degenerates on earth like skateboarding. Whether you're stopped on the train, street, bodega they will feel comfortable enough to approach you and "rap" about how they used to/currently "shortboard" and how it opened their eyes to alien abductions and eastern medicine. If it weren't for my love of both, and ying yangs, I don't know how I could put up with it.
4. Dollar slice: If you live in NYC and you've been to St. Marks then you know about the infamous dollar slice. "Two brothers pizza"to be more specific is an oasis to all jugalos, teen age punks on dates, train hoppers, scratch ticket enthusiasts and heroin addicts alike. It's also visited by people like me, thrifty assholes who will accept a lesser quality product for a cheaper price. How can I sit there and enjoy shoveling that wet diaper of a slice into my gullet when two 14 year olds with pantyhose arm stockings and dinner plates in their ears are finger fucking in the corner, chin beard Mcgee with the "voices in my head tell me what to do" t shirt is shotgunning his third mountain dew and the seven year old kid finally makes his round to me trying to bum a cigarette?
5. Weed: I have nothing against the idea of getting high at all, in fact sometimes it can be kind of fun. My problem is with the culture around it and the endless paraphernalia that follows it. Say what you will about harder street drugs but none of them are on t-shirts, belt buckles, flags, guitars, tire flaps next to the truck nuts and the sticker of Calvin pissing on George Bushes face and giving you the middle finger. More then 90% of the time I can tell that someone is really into getting high without the novelty "McCronalds" shirt on. I know the day when people can just get high discreetly is very unlikely so until then whoever has the rights to the picture of a pot leaf and has 4:20 trademarked is gonna continue to make millions to fund their chill lifestyle.
Thursday, December 2, 2010
Zayn, you have some explaining to do...
I just logged into my facebook page and received this message, enjoy...
Looks like ol' Zayn got himself into another pickle...
Monday, November 29, 2010
El vortex retirement...
If you are an avid visitor of the slap magazine website, being your thirteen and your parental controls block out thrasher for the hubba ad's or your Neil Thurman, you have already heard the news that El Vortex has announced his retirement from skateboarding. If you don't skateboard, your not gonna understand a single thing in this post so you might as well just skim through this and pretend it was a mock review of Jack Black's "Nacho Libre". Though the decision made me sad, I have come up with a top 5 reasons for both El vortex to come out of retirement and to remain in retirement.
Top 5 reasons El Vortex should come out of retirement:
1. There is nothing better to do in Longmont.
2. Meta Sam is still trying to push 3 cases of El Vortex's spitfire wheels to people with enough common sense to avoid buying wheels that have been yellowed for years. D5 is rumored to have offered a deli zone sand which for a case and a shout out in the next video.
3. Troubled teens are still smoking cigarettes at the skate park, only now they do not have a over thirty Lucha making fun of them in poems in which they can't understand.
4. A high school girl at the skate park saw the El Vortex article on Slap and Neil is claiming to be his secret identity, even though no photos of the real El Vortex show him sporting matching quarter sized flaming suns and ying yang tattoos on his upper arms.
5. Though it's not the most serious notoriety, Colorado should really be known for something better then "home of the skate ninja".
Top 5 reasons that El Vortex should remain retired:
1. Coach is in better shape then him.
2. 70% of his following are now of legal age to purchase alcohol and no longer need to sit through a penny lane open mic night to get a hold of a few Sparks malt beverages.
3. Even Kris with a K voted against him in his last Slap one in a million entry.
4. With no reason to go filming, he can avoid the obligation of inviting creepy Jake along and the awkward free lunch.
5. We can finally find out who he is and end the mystery once and for all. I'm about 90% positive it's either Raul Pinto or Jarred Stoots.
Whatever his decision is in the end I have to say that it's been one of the most entertaining parts of skateboarding in the last ten years. In a sea of Baker Deathwish weed hype videos, which is the ICP of skateboarding, or another talented well behaved robot wonder kid, it was refreshing to see someone have the courage to hide behind a mask and tackle pros visiting town or fart into a camera. RIP El Vortex.
Top 5 reasons El Vortex should come out of retirement:
1. There is nothing better to do in Longmont.
2. Meta Sam is still trying to push 3 cases of El Vortex's spitfire wheels to people with enough common sense to avoid buying wheels that have been yellowed for years. D5 is rumored to have offered a deli zone sand which for a case and a shout out in the next video.
3. Troubled teens are still smoking cigarettes at the skate park, only now they do not have a over thirty Lucha making fun of them in poems in which they can't understand.
4. A high school girl at the skate park saw the El Vortex article on Slap and Neil is claiming to be his secret identity, even though no photos of the real El Vortex show him sporting matching quarter sized flaming suns and ying yang tattoos on his upper arms.
5. Though it's not the most serious notoriety, Colorado should really be known for something better then "home of the skate ninja".
Top 5 reasons that El Vortex should remain retired:
1. Coach is in better shape then him.
2. 70% of his following are now of legal age to purchase alcohol and no longer need to sit through a penny lane open mic night to get a hold of a few Sparks malt beverages.
3. Even Kris with a K voted against him in his last Slap one in a million entry.
4. With no reason to go filming, he can avoid the obligation of inviting creepy Jake along and the awkward free lunch.
5. We can finally find out who he is and end the mystery once and for all. I'm about 90% positive it's either Raul Pinto or Jarred Stoots.
Whatever his decision is in the end I have to say that it's been one of the most entertaining parts of skateboarding in the last ten years. In a sea of Baker Deathwish weed hype videos, which is the ICP of skateboarding, or another talented well behaved robot wonder kid, it was refreshing to see someone have the courage to hide behind a mask and tackle pros visiting town or fart into a camera. RIP El Vortex.
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