1. Big mac attack-Being in sixth grade meant going to the mall with your friends, and being fat and in sixth grade meant me spending the money I stole from my brothers change jar to eat in the food court at the mall for hours. Fellow fat adolescent Eric Nash had found out the day prior that I had never actually eaten a "big mac" from mcdonalds and insisted that the following day we make it a point to get this sandwich together and then talk about how awesome it was eating it. I Got the sandwich and about 20 mins into stealing candy from the jaw breaker store, my stomach started beating the shit out of me. I ran to the nearest bathroom and began violently shitting while simultaneously vomiting in between my legs into the poor bowl. 10 mins into that Eric runs in banging on the door(one stall) so we take turns puking and shitting our hearts out for about 2 hours. It's rumored that this is why the crossroads mall closed.
2. Grilled stuffed burrito from taco bell-This tragedy was avoidable, and that's why it haunts me so. Veering away from my usual of two bean burritos with sour cream and guacamole, pre dollar menu, I decided to try the grilled stuffed chicken burrito. Later that night I was so violently ill, so shaken and worn out by the terror of my own bowles that I actually prayed to god that it would stop, it later got way worse when I started puking and shitting what felt like the equivalent of drinking Tabasco and siracha hot sauce for 3 days. My own personal trail of tears, it lasted about a week and a half. Later telling the tale to a friend, all he had to say on the matter was "you don't look any thinner".
3. George's revenge-For a second I was embarrassed and thought about not mentioning this one, but then I realized that I have a blog completely devoted to farts and 8th grade humor but unfortunately for me this happened in 11th grade and not in middle school, sigh. Cafeteria antics were going along smoothly, I had already made fun of every person within ten feet of me and taking it a step further I decided to fart on George Perez. Not to sound arrogant, but this was a feat I had accomplished many times prior but today was different. With the air coming out of my cheeks I soon realized I was in way over my head when long and behold I had sharted my paints. Stunned, I said nothing and penguin walked to the bathroom where I threw away my boxer briefs, attempted to wash the mess off the legs of my brand new jeans. Defeated, I tied my sweat shirt around my naked waist and ran to my gym locker where I put on my sweatpants. George was thrilled.
4. Force fed change and clay-My brother really loved seeing me suffer when we were young, so he made me eat a bunch of change and some clay in starburst wrappers. He said it was "starburst gray", I knew it was obviously clay and he replied "eat it or I'll beat the shit out of you" which was pretty convincing. So, quarters and modeling clay don't feel good going in your mouth, or out of your ass as I came to learn.
5. Starbucks prankster-Besides the fact that I was sick, it didn't help that every German tourist in NYC happened to have to shit in soho at that very starbucks at the same exact time. I honestly thought I wasn't gonna be able to hold it and was gonna have to deficate myself in a crowded starbucks. I finally get in there and shot gun shelled a shit out even before my cheeks hit the seat. With a sigh of relief, I reached for the toilet paper which had been pissed on. Fucking pissed on, and not just only one roll but 5 rolls! How many people were in on this? Panicked, I sacrificed my right sock to clean up the mess. Thats when the pounding on the door started and I thoughtlessly threw the sock in the bowl and flushed. Water and Shit started flowing out and covering the floor, it was everywhere and began coming out of the crack of the door and flowing out where the other 50 people were waiting. I heard screams and yelling so I took a breathe, gathered what I had left of my pride and opened the door and ran as fast as I could out of the crowded Establishment, feet covered in shitty water. It was a nightmare, but oddly enough I still go there to get coffee in the morning unfazed.
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