WANTED: early 20's sassy potential new best friend

First let me start this post by apologizing to my mother, one of my biggest fans, for the lack of updates. I've been extremely busy experimenting with drugs and alcohol and having pre marital sex to write funny stories...well, that's mostly untrue. I have however been spending allot of time by myself because I think my friends are starting to become tired of my bad attitude/smell, at least my girlfriend puts up with it...against her will. Any who, thus began my quest in finding my new best friend. I thumbed through the "strictly platonic" m4m section of craigslist to find the friend of my dreams, here's what I found.

Contestant #1:

The first thing I noticed about this ad was I don't think we would have very much in common, though he really loves cigars and is a married military man, I'm just not that into the whole JO buddy thing, I've never really been a fan of jogging off with another guy...but I wouldn't mind the "chilling nude" part I suppose.

Pretty casual cat, plus is that a

hookah...? bonus

Contestant #2:

A self described "clean and friendly" Asian, he seems ready to help me with all my computer, camera, and painting problems which is great because my current Asian friend isn't really helping me in that department, he's just completely abandoning me. Could this be the friend of my dreams? I guess it depends on how many technical problems I'm currently having with my PC.

I'm not gonna lie, this guy seems like a

party animal...plus he can probably fix my

ipod.

Contestant #3:

The language barrier could possibly be a problem, but he said he's "pretty much down for anything with the right dude" so I'm assuming he means learning English and then telling fart jokes with me. He's down to get a beer and see a Broadway show, but his eyes say he just wants to jet ski all day and then show off his six pack abs...this is gonna be a tough decision.

Could this be completely and

total heterosexual love?

Contestant #4:

He loves to dance, and he's a big fan of roses. When I asked if he'd want to hangout without me bringing roses ,because lets face it I don't have much of a green thumb, he replied "well how would you like a brown thumb"?

Another fan of the hookah I see, I could see

us kicking back and talking about girls.

Who am I kidding, all these ads have one very big thing in common...these guys don't need a friend like me around. Oh well, I guess I'll have to continue with the friends that I already have and you know what? I'm ok with that. Because there's nothing wrong with hangin nude with screech, nothing at all.