FHQZ's guide to: your job

I've been working in retail for about five years now and I feel I pretty much know almost everything there is to know about this kind of job. In high school, I failed almost every class that had nothing to do with art, bowling, or "study hall". but had there been a class taught souly on sorting out hangers for nine hours a day I'm pretty sure I would have totally aced it. I also would also gotten high marks in inventory, folding clothes, general back stocking and I would major in walkie checks. Some of my friends haven't had as much experience in this, others haven't even had a job in their lives...I won't name names. So here's a break down of the who's who in your future job.

The Manager-This person does not like you because your hilarious. Though you too are kind of fat, she is super fat and has no real sense of humor about it and gets all up tight when you call her out on it. Her ultimate goal throughout the day is to remind you of the one time you didn't do this or the other time you ruined that. She doesn't understand that you don't always have to be working or even "awake" on the job, she totally flips out when she catches you napping under the sweaters, it's like chill out dude.

Assistant Manager-This person does way more work then the actual manager, but is a little fatter and has a really low self esteem. Even though you don't actually know this person, you quickly learn that their whole life has been spent as either the "side kick" or the runner up. You start to kind of identify and feel bad for this person, but then they call you out on something and embarrass you at a team meeting in front of everybody and then your like "fuck this bitch...and I know it was you that totally blew up the ground floor bathroom this morning".

Random people that are always in the managers office- You don't know what they do exactly, but their always in the manger's office either chatting or eating. If you try to ask who they are or what they do at the store you will always get the "just worry about what you have to do". Though it is a mystery at first, you had it exactly right the first time, this gaggle of the fashion worlds waste were actually hired to sit and eat expensive food and talk about tv shows you've never heard of. It's looks like a pretty awesome job, but to get it you have to be the cousin of some famous dude.

Visual decorators of the store-These chicks have been up for like 6 hours but they haven't been working, they've just been doing blow in the fitting room. A couple of them went to art school but majored in something weird like performing arts or art history. You'll always hear them talking about how crazy the night before was and how much shit went down and your like "wow, they seem pretty awesome" but then you realize that most of them are like 30+ years old and one may or may not have a couple kids...doing jello shots off their grateful dead back piece.

Cashier-"Welcome to Mcdonald....Oh, wait welcome to Blank clothing supplies". All of these people are either gay or girls, they all look down on you and they all have huge aspirations of being A) movie star B) model C) fashion designer or if all else some how fails they can always become a doctor/lawyer in no time. About 90 percent of their last jobs were fast food but then they got the hunch to make it big in fashion. They all look down on you because your fine with looking at this job as just a way to get money and not a big deal, jokes on you when they become famous one of these days....right?

Stock worker-Stick out your finger and touch your nose, can you do it? Congratulations, you got the job. The only prerequisite you need for this job is that your alive and breathing, and preferably that you can't read. Probably where your gonna end up if your reading this, you'll love the benefits that come along with the job. You make slightly more then pan handling with less respect from your peers. "Attention stock workers, there is a toilet over flowing in one of the fitting rooms. Bring a mop and a PLUNGER." And I got the lovely nick name "little white bitch", has a ring to it huh?

So if there's anything you've learned from this it's that you should definitely take that job as a lawyer/doctor/professional athlete. It sounds way cooler.