Top 5 ways to avoid swine Flu...

Fear has been struck in the heart of every American, not of war and not of famine but of something a little more sinister...pork. With news reports saying you shouldn't even leave your house or have anything to live for, the nation is scared. But what the Pig flu and most everybody else didn't count on is that I still have a blog that I update sometimes, and that I also have plenty of top 5 ideas. So put away your dooms day kit and take a gander at a farters way to avoid the swine flu.

1. Ditch your pig friends- For years these rambunctious little ragamuffins have been rolling in mud and being all un-kosher and it looks like it finally caught up with them. Frankly, its over due in my opinion. Trust me, I know it can be hard just kicking your best buddy to the curb but in these hard times you can't be seen with these guys. We've been slaughtering and eating these guys for years and this is the thanks we get? They had their chance, they blew it.

Just to be safe, I threw away my copy of Charlottes web

2. Stay away from mexicans- I've been doing this for years now, but some of you are still in close personal contact with these guys. Don't get me wrong, I love George but I'm not gonna risk waking up one morning with a snout and a wiggly tail squealing "I shoulda stayed away from Blank" as I slowly animorph into a pig. These are hard times and you gotta kill or slowly watch yourself get the pig flu and painfully transform before your eyes.

George is with out a doubt infected with this Flu

and will soon boast his new pink skin while eating

from his favorite troff

3. Masks- Now, I've been seeing people in these surgical masks around on the subway and on the streets and I think they look ridiculous and are a little over the top. Frankly, these masks look lame, so I've been wearing my old Halloween mask around and it looks way cooler. Not only am I safe from the harmful bubonic pork air, but I'm also getting getting free candy daily from the local corner store who's owner may or may not think I'm mentally handicapped.

Flu me not you devil'd ham you!

4. Public transportation- Joe Biden has told his family to avoid planes and public transportation, where as I have told my family to take nothing but planes and public transportation. I've been getting on subway cars to go a couple blocks, licking bus poles, ingesting peoples sneezes, and going to elementary schools daily all in hopes of getting this illness. My logic is once I get this flu it will be so bad that I will immediately grow immune to it and everything else on this planet which inevitably will make me immortal.

I too will grow immortal, the only

question is if I will gain any souls in

the process while I decapitate people

like highlander.

5. Relaxation- Being sick is almost always involved intimately and dangerously with stress. Stress is the anti chill and I can't deal with that right now. So, I've taken an extended to permanent vacation from work to clear my head of all this pork swine and flu sick talk I've been hearing latley and do a little more in my robe constantly snacking talk. Call me a worry wart but I can't risk losing this bod and this head upon my shoulders anytime soon. I suggest you all take a massive amount of time off from work as well.

Much like the cat pictured above, I too will be relaxing

in a tree, but on my couch and not as gay looking.