"Have you narrowed in on a major yet"

The other day I was late for work, and thus punished to sort hangers for 9 hours straight when I had a very rude awakening that I am literally the only person out of my group of friends that hasn't graduated or is attending school or even planning on it or even humoring the idea of attending school. So naturally, I started thinking about what I should do for a career. Enough of this kid retail bull shit, I need a real job and here are a few things that have come up in my mind.

1. Astronaut: This sounds pretty far fetched even to me, but then I started thinking about it more and more. The rigorous testing is basically carnival rides that I can train for at coney island, I love eating dehydrated food while floating and I look really good in a jump suit. Based off of every training film I've watched for this, Armageddon to be more specific, all I basically have to do is be a bad ass with a heart of gold, check, have no experience in flying a multi million dollar air craft, check, and fall in love with a rock star's daughter, not so check. If a monkey can do it and even a chick then I think I'd at least be an average space man.

Insert funny caption...I've resorted to

back sass t shirt lines.

2. Pro wrestler: Have you seen the WWE lately...it's in pretty sad shape. All I'm saying is they could use one less rapping buff guy in a thong and one more 20 something Italian smart ass that loves snacking. I already have a name of the "junk food kid" picked out and I could blow pork rind dust into my opponents eyes and my championship belt can be made of Dickie's and have a gold embroidered face of the Andy Caps chip guy. Plus I talk allot of shit, like so much shit.

I mean he seems like a nice enough guy,

but come on, he's had his time.

3. Drugs: This one is pretty general and open ended. I could sell them, ship them or just start doing them. Anything to just block out the sadness which has become my life really. I made one attempt at selling fake cocaine at a party but my friends immediately thought I was just kidding and being "funny" so I was just left with a baggie of baking powder which totalled me in at a slight loss.

No matter how street smart they look, somebody

will end up buying my stash.

4. inventions: I have been trying to come up with or steal a good idea for some new inventions or technologies for as long as I can remember, but it turns out my friends are pretty set on talking about beer. I did come up with an idea for a bug repellent hat but was quickly told that they sell them in the "sky mall" magazine that they have on airplanes, which I claim to have invented also.

Looks just as happy as I had

pictured when I designed it.

5. Mugging people: I've known for quite some time now that I'm not very intimidating looking to people I try to scare. In the right circumstance though, and in a mask I thought i could pull it off. This also back fired when the kid I stuck up pulled out a sling shot and stole my wallet which had my subway sandwich shop rewards card in it, with enough hole punches to cash in on a free foot long. Needless to say, the meatball marinara is not in my immediate future.

Kids are way too hard to rob

these days.

What can I say, I tried my hardest and I just couldn't come through. One day I"ll look back and laugh as I tell these tales to my poverty stricken children as they desperately huddle around our barell of fire to stay warm. They however will have a steady income to bring back to our alley from their chimney sweeping jobs, because chimneys will always need a sweeping my friends...always.

A Clay date, a pretty great date

Now I've been on what I consider to be allot of dates with Clay, and I've cherished them deeply. But Clay has grown up, and has hit the town with some ladies apparently. So if your sick and pathetic like me and you lay in bed at 3 am thinking of what it's like for a girl to go on a date with Clay then your in luck because I am that pathetic. "Everyday from now on your only gonna get fatter and hairier, I had the fattest hairiest day of my life today"-Yabo, that one quote sums up me writing this post entirely, just a bitter fat man covered ii ass hair who's envious of a hairless hunk. Here it is, a NYC night with a Korean socialite

Knowing Clay he is probably gonna take a girl out to the worst, embarrassing hip and expensive bar that the city can puke up. This bar is ideal because a)it has vanity mirrors ideal for steeze checking your 3 haired moustache B) great way to give a girl even more incentive to take a quirky myspace photo, or wait is anybody on myspace anymore? Icelounge or myberrics photo then.

"The second she lifts her butt cheeks off my

penis I'm tweeting"

things seem to be moving a bit too quick for our bachelors taste, so he breaks out an old stand by...get "wierd". This not only lets her know your an artist but it's a perfect opportunity for her to take more photos of herself and immortalize you through an image of a series of images ten pages long of tagged photos on facebook of other guys at other bars. And besides, who doesn't love tagging.

one wild and crazy night,rebel rebel

A true man of passion and courage, Clay takes a calculated risk...conversing with the woman. Now your guess is as good as mine on what could have been discussed in the picture below, from corn conspiracies to hamburger grease paintings one thing is for sure the sound of her vagina clamping shut is echoing throughout the bar. He should be talking about shopping or oral sex, something women can relate too. I may or may not have used that line from a movie, If I didn't then I'm way funnier then my mom and friends think...just throwing it out there that I'm not sure.

If only there a was an app for this situation...

No matter the context of this next photo I can't get around the harshness. What's worse, a girl pretending to puke into her purse to the camera while your not looking or a girl actually doing it?Truly a brain buster.

ouch

I'm only assuming this guy did not help

the situation...

So, with a forty five dollar bar tab and a half a chubby nestled in his white Capri's, Clay calls it a night. No luck this time, but this was only a scrimage and the big game is coming up anytime now. All he's gotta do is increase his offense, lay off the dot com talk and his spirits up.

all this and more can be yours ladies, all this

and more.

I for one would love to go home from the bar wasted sitting on the back of that stallion.

Holiday wishes...

As none of you know tomorrow is my birthday. I'm gonna be 22 years young and I will most likely be as bitter as I am every other day. BUT, I've compiled a list of gifts that would make me less miserable to be around tomorrow so I strongly encourage everybody to stop what they're doing and attend to my impossible to obtain desires.

1. New NYPD training film: Imagine if the problem with the police in NYC was as simple as giving them an actual training video instead of that old copy of Andrew Dice Clay's stand up that they make the new recruits watch everyday and then reenact to the general public.

Not a role model

2. Bag of Salvia: I want to get a bag of that Salvia stuff so I can sell it to the kids at the middle school across from my street, it's called profit...every heard of it? I was selling them ground up Crab apples but a few of the kids got really sick and may or may not have died : (

Artist rendition of the after math of the crab apples.

3.For Clay to stop tagging: Besides the fact that everyone of my friends has become a "tag artist" as of yesterday, I'm concerned for his well being. Oh, and it'd be nice to take a sip of my beer while on his roof without getting paint in it.

4. Destroy Peters Painter hats: Sounds like a riddle but come on, there are more hats available buddy. And lets face it, the last thing Peter painted was the town red while going on a pierogi shopping spree.

Not bad Peter, not bad at all...

5. Frog bong: Call me a perfectionist, but wouldn't it just tie together my lily pad hookah?

You think you know but you have no idea...

As some of you may know I live in the Williamsburg/Bushwick area of Brooklyn. Allot of people classify the whole are as the Hipster bubble but I don't really think that's accurate. I mean sure, there are allot of hip handsome people still here but i thought I'd give some insight on some of my favorite groups of people who live around me.

That Guy: This guy is probably the most popular amongst the Williamsburg population. Seemingly harmless from a distance but upon closer examination you can tell exactly what's on this guys mind. In his late 20's to 30's he carouses the Bedford strip in search of organic flax muffins and a soy chai latte before yoga class. Sporting the latest clothing and accessories he some how manages to throw the whole thing off by trying to slip in a little piece of his former self such as a pair of clogs, hemp anklet or some rock climbing fleece. Driving a bike with an "impeach Bush" sticker on the back he's dead set on making some changes. He's found his oasis here in Brooklyn to relive his glory days at the local bar but don't even think of smoking near this guy outside unless its a clove or American spirits or you may get an eye roll or at worst a shake of the head in disgust. He's a huge spin doctor's fan.

I Hope he eventually drowns in chocolate silk.

The LUG(lesbian until graduation): It was only a matter of time before people had to not only change their entire image and personality to fit in, but now their sexual orientation. Parading around in their vintage tattered clothes they are here, they are temporarily queer, and they are young good looking artist girls who've chosen a shorter hair style. Power marching to the record store or the more expensive organic bodega, they are holding hands with authority. A mear look in their direction with a friendly smile will be followed with a "WHAT! Never seen a Lesbian before you PIG!!!". As shocking as a new Eddy Murphy movie, these girls are more upset that nobody cares anymore except their parents. Oh, and they work at every bagel store in Brooklyn.

There's no way their just doing this for attention...right?

Too cool for school...or anything: This guy has got it all figured out. The king of Brooklyn in his mind but would never admit to it because even thinking that he's cool makes him uncool but he knows he's cool because he's doing everything to be as cool as he can in a whatever way. Residing in the heart of the hipster scene he knows everybody else is just a poser. Reading "on the road" on the train strictly to be double ironic, wearing the latest clothes as a symbol of irony, riding a fixed gear bike and laughing at others riding them because he's doing as some joke inside his head. He's obviously on another level of cool and is hoping that he can find a girl smart enough to see his intentions by looking at him, but do you think the girl is gonna look at him and think everything he's doing is strictly to be ironic and anti hip or she's just seeing a skinny kid in glasses reading a popular book on a single speed bike? Don't tell him though...

This is the kind of guy that wouldn't laugh at a

fart joke unless it was on vinyl.

Hate, Hate, Hate, Hate...

I'm a hater!

Cpt. FH

It's been a long month, a long hard month

I've been getting allot of guff for not posting anything for a solid month now and it's starting to really get me depressed, I can barley enjoy getting intoxicated at 2pm without feeling alittle bit guilty of depriving the world, 4 followers, of my thoughts and bitterness. During the course of this month I've made several big changes in my life. One being that I got a new Job and the other being that I got my phone stolen at Enids in Brooklyn. So here is a test post of words followed by pictures that I may find on the Internet to fit my story.

Landing the job- During the grueling 5 day interview process I kept as calm as a trained surgeon, cool as a cucumber, and as chilled out as a fat college girl on her 4th bong hit. I made several visual presentations and exhibits to show how I can perform quickly under pressure, and I chose the most professional art media for my presentation...a collage of magazine cut out's of guys who looked really well dressed and handsome. As amazing as this was, they said I should have just brought my resume like they requested. Strike one...

I thought it turned out pretty tight

Key points- Allot of people make the common mistake of breaking down and admitting their faults in the interview process, but not me. I showed time logs of never being late, rave reviews from previous employers, and I did not mention that I wash my hair with apple cider vinegar to get rid of my dandruff. I did however recently run out of vinegar, thus flaking all over a box of black t shirts in the stock room and blaming it on the kid from Laos that doesn't speak English...sorry Yang Yee.

It's my only vice.

Drug testing- I did not do so hot on this portion of the interview process, what can I say, sometimes a guys gotta hit the mask 5 times a day.

My other vice

Mission accomplished- In the end I got the job and I'm doing great. I called out my first couple days due to a nasty case of pink eye and ringworm but other then that I think they really like working with and around my discus ting open sored body. They also have a vending machine there that specifically caters to mountain dew lovers, which I'm so down for now. Here are a few of the Delicious flavors they offer

Voltage and revolution were Delicious but supernova

was in a league of its own.

One Love,

Cpt. FH

The top 5 reasons for excusing Yabo's behavior

I Recently went on a week long trip to SF where I ran into a close friend of mine, Yabo. He's also told me he's heading to NYC next month to come see his parents and maybe me so I thought' I'd give some pointers on dealing with Yabo for novices in the big apple.With such an accomplished partyer as himself there needs to be a set outline on one liners the party thrower may hear. So, here is the farthumorquarterlyzine.blogspot.com's the top 5 reasons for excusing Yabo's behavior...

1. "Sorry for Partying"-A Yabo staple, this line in itself could arguably sum up this man. It establishes dominance in the situation and evokes sympathy for him at the same time. Whether your trying to block him from jumping down your stairs into your grandparents antiques or begging him to stop putting his testicles on everything, this one liner is gonna leave an amateur party thrower dead in his tracks.

2. "Don't be that dude that gets bummed because I_______"-Another classic from this party animal will have you speechless if unprepared. The reason this line is so dangerous is that it will immediately grab support from his drunken peers that only hear a confrontation involving a friend and you, who is now "THAT dude". The blank is usually filled with "farted on you" or "had a naked hot sauce fight".

3. "Whatever _____, you used to be down"-This line is usually a distraction method in which he uses when something way more sinister is happening in the party you left unattended to deal with the matter at hand. At this stage in the night if this line is used then I'm assuming frozen foods have been stolen or under aged kids have entered your house/dorm room.

4. "Am I blowing it"?- This line is thrown out there right after something horrible has happened. The answer to this question is almost always Yes, but the fact that he would even ask it throws people off and kind of makes them think he kind of apologized which gives him 10-15 more minutes of solid partying.

5. "Up all night, creek all day"-A classic spoof on Slaughter's "up all night, sleep all day". This is Screamed repeatedly by Yabo and his peers and at this point shirts are off and depending on the night pants may be off as well. The origins of this battle cry are derived from Boulder Colorado's boulder creek, a party haven for Yabo who's spent countless summer days drinking in it's cool and refreshing waters.

another contest update...so, yeah I'm like out of funny ideas

I had the pleasure of going to the "Back to the Banks" contest the other day and it was like a reunion fest 09 repeat all over again, but way more local and cooler. I ran into a few familiar faces and even rekindled a few lost friendships. So here's my recap of the most interesting thing that's taken place at the Brooklyn banks since last year...

I was feeling a little home sick after my return from SF and not seeing all my friends anymore but then suddenly forgot all about them when Zayn showed up at my door. Zayn is like all of my other friends except he's way funnier and an accomplished thief.

Apparently Zayn didn't find the humor in being

in a picture with his friend Joe under the Mcdonalds

ad that says "the new IT couple".

This is Zayn's under aged friend Joe, I wasn't

surprised by the same old antics of Zayn bringing

minors to my house but the new twist on this old

favorite is that this time this one had a duel case

of pink eye and the flue and pussed all over my pillow.

After collecting a hefty amount of I.O.U.'s from Zayn's eating rampage we finally made it to the contest. Joe seemed pretty excited to see all the pro's out there, but was quickly disappointed when I let him know he was just mixing up important people with local losers because of the thick film he had over his eyes. That's when we started seeing all the action!

I saw Brooks standing on this ledge

and approached him to say "hello" but

he kept saying he didn't remember who

I was, I tried to explain but then he flat

out just ignored me.

Reda also ignored me...

But then I ran into Brownlee who was

hyped to see me, which was cool.

I couldn't really see anything going on in the actual contest and decided to just keep wondering around running into people I know or admire. Peter was around somewhere, I think he was on a mission to wash his hands or something...or get sushi. But just when I was worrying about peter, a nobody, Zayn and I ran into a real somebody...

The muska showed up on his bike and

immediately started killing it...well, he

took a bunch of pictures and stuff

He was even nice enough to take a picture

with Zayn.

It was really hard to get a view from where we

were, and Zayn was getting pretty fed up and

cranky.

But Zayn always has a few tricks

up his sleeve

And as quickly as the contest entered my life, it left. Zayn snacked on my food and Joe continued to eject pink eye fluid all over my house. It was hard saying goodbye to them, but the next day they left back to DC on the china town bus...I was alittle worried about Zayn's young friend Joe because of him becoming legally blind and the over all grotesque appearance of his face but I got some muchers from dunken doughnuts and quickly forgot about Joe's horrifying eye's. Get well soon Joe!